A private life is a happy life. Seriously. The older I get, the more I’m able to appreciate the value of privacy, without the associated guilt I used to feel about implementing it.
A private life is a happy life because as the respect that you have for your own privacy increases, the drama, bad luck, bullsh*t, and insecurity in your life instantly decreases.
Here’s what I wish I could have told my younger, way too overzealous and oversharing self:
- Nothing good will ever come out of everyone knowing your business. Nothing.
- Keep it low key. Your power lies in retaining an element of mystery. When you have a lack of self-esteem, boundaries, and give too much of yourself away, you allow others to feel like they can define you and once they do, it’s hard to feel like you can ever deviate from that definition. Guess what? You can’t be defined. Even though you may feel stagnant right now, you’re not biologically wired for stagnation. You’re wired for evolution. Making the decision to acknowledge, recognize and laser-focus on your own evolution is what’s going to attract the right lovers and friends into your life.
- Stop treating everyone (especially people that you don’t even know), like you owe them something. The only reason that you do this is because you’ve subscribed to the belief that you’re not enough, so you attempt to compensate as a means of emotional survival. Your childhood experiences implemented and programmed this mentality, but that doesn’t mean that you have to continue being chief of the opposition and carry out that mission/mentality until emotional warfare is a way of life. You are more than enough, just as you are. You don’t need to give everyone the privilege of knowing every little detail about you. And until you view it as just that – a privilege – no one else ever will.
- “Just because it’s not posted on social media, doesn’t mean it’s not happening.” Start aspiring to LIVE the life that you waste so much time uploading, filtering and trying to portray on social media.
Stay on your white horse and in your own lane. Stop being a supporting character in the story of YOUR life. Be a dynamic character of action who’s too busy making sh*t happen, than to waste her time talking about the sh*t that already did/is about to.
Do you want to know what’s REALLY attractive?
A woman who retains a sense of mystery doesn’t engage in gossip, quietly progresses, and does her thing without the need for an audience.
I used to be one of those people that shared everything with anyone that was willing to listen. Everyone knew “my story” and the drama associated with it. It soon got to a point where the level to which I’d divulge would be so embarrassingly disproportionate to the relationship I had with the person I was talking to, I got embarrassed.
If there was any little speck of drama – a new issue, something to gossip about, heartbreak or a new accomplishment, I’d be dropping enticing “hints” to anyone with a set of ears. I would enthusiastically plant those seeds of “hints,” hoping that the other person would ask me something… anything so that I could unload from a vault that was meant to be exclusively for MY personal access – not the general public’s.
Why did I do this?
I had unresolved grief, I was lonely, and I felt inadequate. I was situationally depressed and because of that, I let fear dictate my actions (which ultimately lead to anger because I had no respect for the backbone-less adult I had become). I was living in a self-imposed, emotional jail; completely starving for any kind of a connection. I just wanted someone to WANT to listen to me and know my story.
Whenever I divulged personal details or gossip to anyone, I felt like I was connecting… just for a moment. And I convinced myself that the pseudo connection was worth the consequences I was sure would never reach me. It was the cheapest kind of connection I’ve ever engaged in.
And the problem with cheap connection is that you’re basically having unprotected emotional sex. I was divulging information without first, making sure that trust, respect, and love was established.
A private life is a happy life.
Here’s how I found a way to keep my private life private (without having to feel like I was being inauthentic, closed off and “holding back”) and 5 benefits of maintaining a private life…
I share so much of my life and myself (which are far from perfect) here on the blog, but as far as every little detail and the ups and downs of my everyday personal life goes, I don’t need to go there. I’m very protective of who I’m dating, my family, and my friends. It doesn’t mean that I’ll never post photos of them on social media or that I’ll deny their existence and never speak of them. It just means that I value their privacy because I value and respect my own. Their stories aren’t my stories to tell and they didn’t ask to be a part of this narrative.
And so, because I do share so much about myself, there are elements of my life that I hold that much closer to my heart and that I feel that much more protective of.
I’ve found a way to do this though, without feeling closed off, inauthentic or like I’m holding back with you guys in any way. I always keep it real and for a long time, didn’t think that being so open could coincide with being such a private person. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m actually able to share so much (and feel great about it) because now there’s a balance.
I don’t feel like sharing who I am and what I’ve experienced is costing me in any way; I’m not engaging in any level of self-betrayal. There is now that balance of knowing there are elements that I keep to myself.
I didn’t start a blog to air out dirty laundry (of myself or others), in the name of a tell-all confessional. I created it to make people feel less alone and provide answers to painful ambiguity.
I want to end suffering for every person that I can because I’ve been there and I know how bad it can be.
I want to to help people realize that their healing and ability to bounce back is in their own hands – never anyone else’s.
The older I get, the more I value my privacy and the less inclined I feel to post every damn thing on social media. When I’m in those moments that I would have normally wanted to post, I’m usually too busy ENJOYING myself to take more than a few photos, let alone filter, edit and upload.
Living a private life doesn’t mean that you never let anyone know whats going on in your life and bottle everything in. I consider myself a private person, but I share way more than most.
It’s about having your self-esteem and boundaries intact.
It’s about being SMARTER about what you share.
When your self-esteem is intact, there’s abundance. You can better assess what you want to share and what you want to keep private because you’re no longer acting from a place of lack. You’re then able to stop engaging in gossip because it no longer serves you.
Once you accept that there’s not a seat for everyone at the table of your private life, you’re then able to deepen the relationships in your life with those who are actually AT the table (number one being YOU).
No matter who you meet in this world, the ONLY person that will ever know EVERY detail of EVERY one of your secrets is YOU.
How cool is that?
Some of the best experiences I have ever had are the ones that I didn’t feel the need to share. Conversely, there’s A LOT that I do share (and upload), but as far as the details of all of the ups and downs… my advice?
Be a book that’s authentically and genuinely open, but always keep them guessing.
“Very private people have mastered the art of telling you little about themselves but doing it in such a way, you think you know a lot.”
Here are the 5 reasons why a private life is a happy life
- A private life is a happy life because when you value your privacy, you’re no longer a sitting duck for other people’s gossip. Although we can’t stop or ever fully avoid being exposed to gossip, we can choose to no longer engage in it.
- A private life is a happy life because it diminishes drama. And who needs more of that? The most insecure people always have drama going on. They can’t respect other people’s privacy because they can’t respect their own.
- A private life is a happy life because when you know what to keep to yourself, you no longer cockblock your ability to accept, move on, and make decisions for yourself. This builds unbelievable trust and respect because you are affirming to yourself that you don’t need the open ears, time, advice or connection from anyone other than yourself first.
- A private life is a happy life because it enriches the most important relationship that you will ever have – the one you have with yourself. It also translates to the world that because you have trust within, you’re a trustworthy person.
- A private life is a happy life because it allows you to run out of f*cks to give, connect with people on a deeper level, and become a magnet for mutual relationships. Having boundaries makes you a magnet for mutual and healthy relationships with connected people who are capable of love, honesty, respect, and loyalty. Being a private person also slays paranoia. You’re no longer worried about who knows what story. You finally get to LIVE and stop fabricating connections in the name of self-completion.
The moment that you face your fears and take the time to truly understand, process, validate, and listen to YOUR personal details is the moment that you won’t need the entire world to do so any longer.
And if you ever want to share your story like I have shared and will continue to share mine, you’ll no longer worry about what anyone thinks because you know that you’re doing it on YOUR terms.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.