I’m traveling right now for work – meetings for an upcoming project and my book, working with clients, 3 speaking engagements and ending it in Vegas tomorrow to support my girlfriend and business partner, Bijouterie, at a jewelry convention where the line that we collaborated on will be featured. 6 cities total. Nonstop, until… I was stopped in my emotional tracks yesterday by a question that I was asked during an interview: “What’s the worst piece of advice you’ve ever been given?” This got me thinking about the lessons I’ve learned, the questions you guys have asked me here on the blog and social media, and just how.many.things I wish I could tell my younger self.
I thought for a moment and then, without hesitation… “The worst piece I’ve ever received is: ‘It’s not that simple.'”
The thing is, it really IS that simple.
The most destructive addiction we engage in, is our addiction to complication. I say “most destructive,” because the tendency we have to unnecessarily complicate the sh*t out of everything is the most effective fertilizer for all other addiction.
Complication = Problems. And Problems = Valid License Renewal of DOUBT, FEAR and being totally JUSTIFIED in contributing to your own devolution.
The more complicated everything is, the more overwhelmed, claustrophobic and imprisoned we feel. This leads to emotional constipation, which makes us seek out a quick-fix, an emotional laxative in the name of f*cktard partners, opinions and advice from everyone under the sun, bad decisions, more addiction, contradiction, validation seeking and feeling like we have no other choice but to wash, rinse & repeat all of the above.
We wonder why we keep engaging in the same patterns – different people, same result – when really, we just keep complicating. We philosophize the sh*t out of everything until we become so emotionally drained/exhausted, not only are we (understandably) unable to move, evolve and grow, but we overvalue the crumbs from others out of self-inflicted starvation.
We feel like life’s unfortunate puppet when in reality, we’re essentially manifesting our own misery and dis-ease.
I used to create so much unnecessary drama out of things that I was convinced, were major issues. Eventually, these things always passed and I’d forget about them as soon as the next wave hit.
As long as I had complication in my life, I didn’t have to take action and had a valid license to complain. I couldn’t commit to myself (only to unavailable lovers & friends), and because I felt so deprived and drained, I’d emotionally thrill seek in the name of allowing others to dictate my value, identity and worth.
I want to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned and also, answer a few questions readers have asked about 2 things that I wish I would have started sooner: My diet and workout routine.
Advice is obviously always easier to give than to receive, but the realization of how much I’ve unnecessarily complicated my life in the past, inspired me to share some of the lessons I’ve learned.
Here are 20 lessons I’ve learned + your beauty, booty & diet questions answered:
Lessons I’ve learned / Things I wish I could tell my younger self…
#1: Be kindly (never brutally) honest with yourself and others. It’s the ultimate freedom.
Honesty is not about engaging in some egoic jerk-off session where you’re bragging about the failures of others or your own personal failures. It’s about helping; spreading awareness and being a sanctuary of consciousness for yourself first, then others.
#2: If a potential romantic partner reminds you in any way, shape or form of an ex or either one of your parents… RUN.
#3: Being a genetic lottery winner, having nice things, getting 500 degrees, driving THAT car, having a winning personality and being confident are NOT the keys to good luck. Persistence and preparation are.
#4: Diversify everything that you can in your life.
This includes: your diet, exercise, business, who you go to for advice, your friends, lovers and the way you execute your decisions.
#5: Don’t feel guilty for having boundaries.
Recognizing yourself in a healthy manner should never elicit guilt. Don’t be afraid to walk away from people who make you feel like you’re hard to love or be honest with. Never agree to do anything that you don’t want to do. It’s not selfish, it’s the cure for the disease to please. Life is short.
#6: Although life is indeed short, make sure to exhale. There’s no need to rush. Stay in your own lane and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks or is doing.
If you want to ensure that you’ll never have any remnant of self esteem, compare yourself to others. Who cares where her wedding was, when he got promoted or who’s having a baby? Do YOU and don’t ever take those peripheral blinders off.
#7: When you interact with someone, no matter what the context may be, focus on CONNECTING, not auditioning.
Auditioning involves the potential for rejection and “not getting the part.” Connecting involves a genuine connection or, acknowledging that theres a disconnect (which is and will always be, independent of your value).
#8: Understand that pain is here to pass, never to stay.
You have no idea the level to which your strength and resilience run. There isn’t a damn thing that you can’t get through. It WILL pass.
#9: Acknowledge that you’re suffering from a terminal condition and live accordingly.
We are ALL suffering from a terminal condition: It’s called LIFE. And to the very best of my knowledge, none of us will make it out alive. Treat others as though it’s their last day, everyday. Karma will boomerang in spades.
#10: Breakup with your ego.
Living in an egoic state never did a thing for me other than drain me of my sanity, individuality, value, freedom and currency – both emotional and financial.
#11: Forgive yourself and others.
Forgiveness means ACCEPTANCE. It’s nothing more than accepting who you are and who others are in this moment, right now (and acting in accordance with that acceptance). Stop hoping for and expecting your parents, your ex and your friends to “step up to the plate” and all of a sudden, “see the light,” own their behavior and empathize. Allowing that hope to permeate to the point of paralysis in your OWN life is an indicator that YOU need to get up so that you can step up and take ACTION.
#12: The best and only way to true success is failure.
I’ve epically failed so many times in my life and because of that, I ultimately succeed.
#13: YES, what happened in your childhood matters, but there isn’t anything that happened in the past that has the power to dictate, infiltrate and destroy your present and future.
And until you realize this, you’ll keep revisiting the scene of a past crime in the present moment, tying your value to righting wrongs that are un-rightable.
#14: If you wouldn’t have literal sex with your parents, stop doing it emotionally.
Emotional incest is just as repulsive as physical incest. Get out of bed with Dad and/or Mom. Stop going for a different animal, same species as your parents and then tying your value to being the exception to their rule. It won’t invalidate your parent and it won’t resurrect them from the emotional graveyard. It will just drain you of your time, your dignity and your spirit.
#15: Eat clean, move your body as much as you can and remember: You NEED water and sun (vitamin D).
#16: If your self esteem is low, you will always find it nearly impossible to respect anyone that genuinely respects you.
As much as you claim to want respect, you’ll only “respect” those that “keep you guessing,” and make you work for their validation, attention and crumbs (aka emotionally unavailable and/or narcissistic partners).
#17: You will always attract your issues.
We attract what we exude. And until you deal with your issues (instead of looking for a bandaid in the form of a f*cktard), you’ll keep attracting “lessons,” until the lesson is indeed learned. Best advice ever: Write down everything that you wish you could change in your partner, your family and friends. Take a look at that list, commit to changing those very things in yourself and WATCH how the world adjusts.
#18: Don’t ask for the answers/signs and then ignore them because they came in a humiliating or heartbreaking package.
Some of my most profound answers have come in the most painful packages. And remember, what’s the use of a delivered universal lesson if you don’t APPLY it?
#19: You can drastically limit the amount of bullsh*t in your life by trusting your own eyes, ears, gut and avoid arguing with reality at all costs. Delusion is never a good look.
Do this and you’ll never get impressed to the point of “where’d my pants go?” with things like potential, passion, future faking or words that contradict actions. You’re not a failure just because you couldn’t make a relationship work with someone who’s missing the necessary tools to be in one.
#20: Always trust your gut.
When you meet someone, understand that over time, they will reveal more of who they are, as.will.you. People don’t just miraculously go from honeymoon-phase Don Juan to shady assbag overnight. My Mother said this to me once and I’ll never forget it: People cannot help but communicate who they are. While your partner may SAY one thing, their actions will ultimately, always communicate who they are and what they’re about.
And lastly – Go for lovers and friends who are like-minded and SHARE your values. Not f*cktard people who you desperately try to convert to values of decency and respect (that you don’t even have for yourself or you wouldn’t be with them).
You don’t have time for that. You’ve got a life to live.
Beauty, booty & diet questions answered…
Can you explain your diet?
For me, 99% of being healthy and looking good is not exercise, it’s diet. Moderation is key for me.
I stay away from: Foods that are overly acidic, nightshades (as much as I can), sugar, caffeine, alcohol, soy (because of the estrogens), and gluten (because I have Celiac Disease).
One of my favorite people, Chris Kresser, recently said on his podcast that all cancer and disease stem from inflammation. I make sure to eat foods that are anti-inflammatory and anti-candida. My diet mainly consists of organic meats, fish, dark leafy greens (& green smoothies with 10-15 drops of chlorophyll), grass-fed bone broth, vegetables, pumpkin seeds with Himalayan salt (just look up the benefits and thank me later), berries and eggs.
A lot of people like cooking with coconut oil, I cook mainly with grass-fed butter (benefits can be found here). Of course, I deviate with my diet every now and then (never with booze or gluten), and that’s okay. I have yet to come across anything that tastes as good as being healthy feels. My Mom’s cancer has been such a catalyst in getting us both to eat as healthy as we possibly can.
+ Ultimately, you have to do what’s best for YOU. Always check with your physician before starting any kind of diet/regimen.
Workout & booty routine?
Right now, I don’t have the time to go to a yoga class everyday, so I do a 45-minute power flow on my own, 6 x per week. I make a concerted effort to move everyday and do my squats + 40 pushups every morning (or whenever I can fit it in).
I get up 15 minutes earlier than I need to every morning and I’ll go either in front of my couch or a chair. As I’m watching tv, I’ll pretend like I’m about to sit down on the couch/chair, but just before I do, I rise up to stand straight while squeezing my glutes. I don’t use any weights, I just keep my hands clasped together and all of my body weight in my heels. I do 100-150 of these squats everyday. For me, it works and it’s given some shape to the popsicle stick body I was born with.
Favorite beauty product right now?
My favorite beauty product/obsession right now is this soap. It’s a total game changer and has made such a difference in my complexion. I love to switch it up.