With so much tragedy in the news lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about life, death, and life lessons. I’ve also been thinking a lot about what saved my physical life and resurrected my emotional, relational, and spiritual life from a depth I didn’t know how I would ever get out of and to a reality today that I never thought was possible.

What exactly was it that changed the quality of my life, my self esteem, connection to myself, and the relationships that I subsequently attracted, so quickly?

Even though I still fail, make mistakes, get depressed, stressed, insecure, unsure, heartbroken, and feel crippling anxiety at times… How come it doesn’t permeate anymore to “what’s-the-point-of-carrying-on-or-putting-up-with-anything-other-than-crumbs-from-myself-and-others” paralysis as it once did?  

There have been times in my life where I wanted to die. I didn’t want to carry on; there was no reason to. All I had done was try way too hard, fail epically, get crucified for things other people got a slap on the wrist for, and then get even more rejected, humiliated, made to feel psycho, judged, and abandoned as a result (by no one more than myself). There were no life lessons to learn. I had already written myself off.

I hated who I was. I hated that I was so desperate for crumbs from f*cktards. And I was so ashamed for being ungratefully avoidant of/not attracted to the people in my life who not only had entire loafs to give, but tried to get me to see that I had my own too.

I hated myself to the core.

I had no self-respect, hope, direction or compass and just felt like “what’s the use?” You know? 

And as much as I wanted to die, I didn’t want to and couldn’t kill myself, if that makes any sense. I was too scared of failing at that too and risking a life of extreme pain and debilitation. I was too scared to do anything but there was no way I could carry on. The only way I can explain it is that I wanted to “end.” I could not articulate exactly what I wanted to end, I just felt like I needed an “ending.”

And because my self esteem was so low, I wanted me to end.

I committed emotional and spiritual suicide as a result and adopted habits that allowed me to contribute to my own physical death gradually.

I was a dead woman walking until I realized what really needed to be killed off.

And then I murdered it.

(more about all that here).

Life on my own terms started for me after that point.

Looking back, this is what I now know:

When I wanted to die, I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I failed and blamed myself to the point of adopting an impossibly negative and self-sabotaging identity, I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I was emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and financially broke (a few years ago, I was Uber driving and taking out payday loans on my Uber checks just to make ends meet. I ultimately sunk even deeper financially)… I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

In my early twenties, when I was boundary-less, confrontationally avoidant, smoking cigarettes, needing a cocktail just to have enough confidence to carry a basic conversation, and not taking care of my health, I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I was involved in friendsh*ts, situations*ts, and relationsh*ts, I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I would engage in petty gossip, need an opposing force/a reluctant f*cktard/haters just to feel motivated enough to take action, continuously lie to compensate for my lack of value, and create drama just to feel significant for a hot minute… I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I got knocked down by any negative comment/criticism; when I felt worthless, ugly, unlucky, inferior, and completely powerless, I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I blamed myself for being emotionally orphaned by a well-intended yet emotionally unavailable parent, yup… I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

None of the above ever turned out well or felt good. Obviously.

So why did I continue? 

I kept engaging and wash-rinse-repeating not because I was crazy, but because I was an emotional cutter. I had been burned too many times to bank on the unpredictability of happiness again. Every time I ever had, the other shoe always dropped.

My own misery was at the very least, predictable.

And amidst so much unpredictability, insecurity, fear, and pain, my oxygen became the security of predictability. Even if it was the predictability of my own suffering.

So here they are – life lessons that saved me from robbing myself of my own life. I would be dead if I hadn’t implemented and acted on these.

15 life lessons that literally saved my life.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #1: Be kind in your honesty, never brutal and be honest in your love, never tough.

This applies to others AND first and foremost, yourself. You won’t ever look back on your life and regret it.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #2: Don’t ever adopt the mentality that “It’s all going to fall into place,” without you having to meet the universe halfway and be an active participant in that desired result. Hard work, awareness, knowledge, and ACTING on that knowledge PUT IT into place.

You are in control here, not them. 

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #3: Be real about rejection.

Whether it’s a family member, a friend, a significant other/ex or someone you are dating… If you’re dealing with a f*cktard, it’s not you they are ever rejecting. Remember this and your life will instantly improve.

What they are really rejecting is having to be: selfless, accountable, responsible, respectful, reasonable, honest, adult, and communicative.

What anyone chooses to say/do isn’t a measure of your value. It’s a window into THE LACK of it they feel for themselves.

If you went to dinner with a grown adult who decided to spit the finest caviar all over the table and throw a conniption fit because he/she didn’t like it – The fact that they chose to display their disdain for the food in that particular manner has nothing to do with the quality/value of the food or you as a dinner date. This could be the finest caviar known to man and you could be the greatest company of all time. What this has to do with is THEIR value system and what THEY deem an appropriate reaction to be.

Lastly, never ask anyone why they rejected, dishonored, or humiliated you. Rejection is not an investigation trigger its an action initiator. If someone has the capacity to reject without clear communication, dishonor and humiliate you, they’re not going to have the capacity to empathize in the way that you want and deserve.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #4: “Be you. The world will adjust.” YOU WILL NEVER be able to please everyone. Fitting in and following the follower is so overrated and such a bad look. Anyone who wants to wave their magnifying glass at what they perceive is contradictory in your life isn’t focused enough on their own.

People are judging you, right now. Some people will never like you for no good reason and there’s nothing you can do about it. No amount of people pleasing, convincing, catering, or empathizing will help.

In fact, I’ve found the opposite to be true – the more firmly, honestly, and authentically you stand for something, the more they respect you (some will ass kiss, some will go silent because they won’t know what to say, some will try and ultimately fail to critique/investigate further), whether it’s grudgingly or not.

What people truly respect and what scares the sh*t out of f*cktards/makes them want you more, is when you have boundaries. You draw your own line and through dignified action, say “Here’s the line. You will not go any further.” They won’t like this, but who cares? They’ll either respect it or be envious of it because it’s obviously the one thing they can’t do. If someone doesn’t like you, there’s no point in ever trying to convince them. Just live YOUR life. These people are obviously miserable living theirs.

Then there’s the scum of all toilet, pond, and sewage scum: internet trolls.

It’s almost easier in life and in person because when people talk about/hate on you behind your back, you can’t see or hear it. On the internet, you can actually read it along with everyone else. And all of a sudden, you get this horrible confirmation of your deepest fear: that everyone can “see” you, has you figured out and hates you to the core without even personally knowing you.

Which leads me to…

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #5: STAY AWAY FROM attention-mongering and SELECTIVITY.

Some people need an audience to feel significant. Especially when they think they are highlighting a contradiction in your work or life. They want to go attention/reactivity fishing, so they comment something selfish and obnoxious just to see how much sh*t actually sticks to your wall – a wall that they don’t even personally know.

I’ve had people write attention mongering, dumb, mean-spirited, and unnecessary comments on my social media that they could have so easily direct messaged me, but clearly they wanted an audience.

Most of the time I’ll ignore, sometimes I’ll clap back and respond (never react), shut it down and if I feel like it, I’ll just block. Most of the time when I respond, these people will write back and in an attempt to justify why they decided to turn social media into an emotional playground, express how much respect they have for PMS and me, as a writer. 

Here’s the thing – Just like you have the right to respect someone for what they do professionally and not respect them personally, I have every right to not want anything to do with someone who doesn’t respect ALL aspects of me. Especially when it comes to my character, integrity, and who I am as a person because all of that ties into the greatest love of my life – my work.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to reject anyone who selectively respects, selectively loves, selectively empathizes, selectively values, selectively commits, or is selectively honest with you. You not only have the right to reject and stay away from these people, you also have the right to NOT feel guilty about cutting them off.

Why?

Because the superficiality of selectivity will never be able to coexist with the substance of true love, empathy, respect, value, honesty, and commitment. 

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #6: You know yourself better than anyone else. You are the C.E.O. of Y.O.U. Don’t ever let the opinions, actions, or inactions of others control what you wear, say, post, date, do, or don’t do. No one knows you better than YOU.

Adopt this lesson and you’ll live a much easier life. One that includes the suggestions (no longer viewed as personal criticisms/attacks), from others. Suggestions that you can take or toss.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #7: Keep creating. It disables the crippling fear of what other people think.

One of my favorite writers, James Altucher, says it perfectly:

“There are other bad habits. Like thinking too much what other people think of you. But whenever you create something new, you become a threat to all around you. And when you’re a threat, you’re a target. And when you’re a target, people will try to put you down and trash you. It will be irrational. It will be crazy. It will be frustrating and scary and make you angry. Just assume all people are irrational. Keep your expectations low on other people. Not that they are bad. But that they are lonely and they find friends who are eager to take you down. Let them make their friends and have their fun. You’re already having yours.”

Stay in your own lane and keep your blinders on. Remember – horses can’t win the race without blinders, let alone be IN the race.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #8: You can’t take someone more seriously than they take themselves nor can you hold someone to higher standards than they hold themselves to.

You’ll just end up being made to look like the crazy one and really, it’s not worth it.

It would be like tying your worth to being “good enough” to get into a conversation about calculus with a 6-year-old. That will never happen no matter how great you are at conversing.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #9: Everyone is more obsessed with how they’re coming/came across than they are with dissecting what you said and did.

Some people are better at hiding it than others, but trust me on this one – everyone is just as in their own head, insecure, worried and fearful as you are. And just because some may be better at playing it off, that doesn’t make them any smarter or better than you.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #10: Stay away from people who have to decide and claim versions.

My friend and colleague Steve Santagati said something to me a while back that stuck with me. He said: “I don’t wake up every morning, look in the mirror and say, ‘Steve, you have to be a good person today; you have to be honest.’ I just am.”

Stay away from the people who have to mantra/hypnotize themselves into humanity, honesty, and integrity. Also, stay away from people who claim that the truth has versions.

“Why didn’t they call me back? Did I say anything to offend them? Are they mad at me? Was I a total bitch? Why are they always taking but never offering anything in return or even being there for me when I need them? Am I being too harsh? Why do they complain to me about how much another person hurt them and then I make one tiny mistake and I’m crucified and they’re back to being close with the person who treated them horribly? Why does this always happen to me? I really am crazy. I should be thankful that I even have them.” – Just a snippet of what used to go through my head when I was involved in friendsh*ts and relationsh*ts.

BOTTOM LINE: Stay away from contradictory people who bring you down, keep the people who lift you up close, and understand that you’ll never attract anyone who uplifts you if you can’t cut your own self-imposed anchors.

Also – be mindful of chaos. I used to be addicted to chaos because as long as everything in my life was chaotic, I was totally justified in not taking any action in my life.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #11: Realize who you really are.

THE REAL GLOW UP: When you realize that you are your own white horse, rider, ride, hero, healer, savior, soul mate, and best friend.

YOU are the only one who has been with you through everything; the only one who knows every failure and has never let you down. If that’s not what constitutes the most badass, incredible, and connected soul mate, I don’t know what does.

Your success rate for getting over trauma is 110%. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. Even if it’s just barely… You have survived and you are here.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #12: You will never get anyone to see in you what you don’t see in yourself.

You will also, only get people to see in you what you DO see in yourself – desperation, insecurity, fear, you name it. If you’re lucky, they’ll exit your life due to an inability to connect. If they’re a f*cktard, you’ll blink your eyes and all of a sudden, you’re the doormat for their dirty emotional boots.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #13: As long as you don’t love yourself, you’ll never have any respect for anyone who loves you, just as you are.

These people will get written off as nice guys or you’ll tell yourself that there was just no connection or “of course they like me – they’re desperate, too nice, related to me and have to love me, have no life, etc.” It took me a while to learn the value of being attracted to what was good for me instead of what triggered me into becoming a performing circus animal, desperate for f*cktard approval.

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #14: Have a spiritual practice.

James Altucher says it perfectly: “This doesn’t mean prayer or meditation or god or gods (although it could if you want). It just means surrender. I can’t control the past (with regret) and I can’t control the future (with anxiety). I can only do positive things today. A spiritual practice just means surrendering to what you can’t control in life. I can’t control what people like me. I can’t control what opportunities will work and what won’t. If I obsess on the outcomes, I die. If I focus on the process, I win.

Process > Outcomes.

This is spiritual practice. To focus on process RIGHT NOW.”

Also – Take care of your health and move your body as much as possible. I may not be able to control much of anything in this life, but what I have complete control over are the foods I choose to eat and how much I move my body throughout the day. “When you can’t move the mind, move the body and the mind will follow.”

  • LIFE LESSONS LEARNED #15: Redefine passion.

If you have any kind of abandonment issues, parental issues, triggers or un-dealt-with trauma (I think that covers everyone on the planet), you will likely get more excited from finding a drop of water in an empty well than a gallon of water in a plentiful well. And that’s okay. It’s normal human behavior.

We are wired to want what’s in limited supply. This is why so many of us are addicted to romantic love – hot/cold, up/down, yes/no, Jekyll/Hyde.

It keeps us on our emotional toes, but at what cost?

I’m not suggesting that you ever settle, what I’m suggesting is to take a hard look at how you define passion. If a few hot moments are surrounded by the cost of your sanity, happiness, health, and well-being, it’s time to fold.

True love is LINEAR. This is why Johnny Cash sings “because you’re mine, I walk the LINE.” – NOT the triangle, octagon, or relational quadratic equation. You will reclaim your life the moment you say “no thanks” with your actions to competing, being right, being chosen, being good enough for a f*cktard to reform or becoming a big fish in what really is a very small puddle – NOT the Atlantic.

Always make sure that you are in a relational environment that’s conducive to what you want. You can’t tie your value to hitting a home run if you’re batting with a piece of cooked spaghetti in a snowstorm with a bowling ball being thrown at you and then beat yourself up for not being able to hit one out of the park.

BIG love to you all – always.

x Natasha

+ If you or someone you know is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress and needs immediate help, The Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the USA has free resources and confidential support 24/7: 1-800-273-8255. 

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56 comments

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Beautiful, well said. Everything I needed to read and make me feel better about myself tonight ♥️😍

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I’m so happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Catherine. XOXO

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Amazing post as always. I look forward to them. Your light has given me so much direction! Sending love and blessings your way, Natasha.
xox

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Right back at you soul sister 🙂 xx

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#15….my trigger! The one that I struggle with the most. ❣️
But knowing your weakness is being well prepared for any battle ahead 🦄

Love this, Natasha…a little tribal pocketbook full of a wealth of information! We really are strong when we know our weaknesses….and the ability to be vulnerable comes from self love and acceptance of who we are. Beautiful wisdom from you, my lovely. Thank you! Xxxx ❤️

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You and me both! Haha.

Love you endlessly – Thank you for finding me, for enriching this community more than my words could ever express, and thank you for being my soul sister.

I/WE cannot wait for your next post! 🙂 xoxo

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Thank you for this. I was anticipating another wonderful post and I’m not disappointed. I needed to hear again that its not me who’s being rejected….but the values he is incapable of having. Your 15 points remind me of Desiderata. (Very popular in the 70’s)
Keep your thoughts coming. I suspect there are many of us reading today and nodding our heads in agreement. Thank you.
Sheila from Scotland.

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Hi Sheila!

I haven’t heard of Desiderata – will look into. Thank YOU! I’m glad that the post served you.

Love from Los Angeles alllll the way to you in Scotland 🙂 xx

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This is probably one of my favorite posts of yours so far! ❤️ I really recognize myself in your past pains. I too have thought a lot about what’s the point of carrying on. And even though I wanted to kill myself, I actually didn’t want to physically harm myself like you’ve described so perfectly well.
Still I get depressed and triggered from time to time, but I think that is all part of being human and I love that you’ve giving us these tools/life lessons to better heal ourselves and minimize the pain we are feeling.

Lately I’ve been dealing with rejection from a close family member and the aftermath of someone I dated so life lesson #3 was really an eye opener for me.

Thank you so much for the wisdom you keep sharing! Love you soul sister ❤️

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YAY! That makes me so happy to hear that you enjoyed this post so much 🙂

Thank you for allowing me to see that I was never/am never alone in my feelings, experiences and fears. It means everything to me Mishaell.

I am so happy to help – always. Love you too soul sis. XOX

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So many good quotes and pointers in this post. I really needed to read this. That James Altucher quote is everything, too.
Thank you Natasha <3

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Thanks Vanessa! I was initially intending for it to be a shorter post and then just kept going lol. James is incredible! Happy that the quote spoke to you as much as it did me 🙂 xo

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You never fail to amaze me with your posts. I really love your writing. Thank you Natasha.

I started reading you when my husband left me. And you’ve been there all along, even after my most recent nightmare-ship with a narcissist (true nightmare!). But I made it through and I extracted every lesson I possibly could from it and now….

Now I am finally attracted to a good guy who is seemingly available and demonstrates his interest and respect! I have finally begun to turn the tide on my dismal dating habits. I went to the Narcissism School of Hard Knocks and graduated summa cum laude! hehe

xoxo

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Congrats on your PhD 🙂 haha. Dana! I have missed you so much. It’s great to hear from you <3 I am honored to have been there for and with you through this blog. We still need to do that tea one day soon! Love you xoxo

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Thank you so much for writing exactly what I struggle to explain and express.
I’ve spent hundreds on counselling but you’ve helped me more than anyone, for free!!
I am 8 months in to total heartbreak and sadness after the love of my life, who I thought I’d marry after being together for 5 years in our 30s, left me because his “feelings went” and he “fell out of love with me” and “doesn’t want to be in a relationship”, then I found out a few weeks after he moved out he met someone online, who lives 7 hours away and they met up every 6 weeks. Last week they went on holiday together and did exactly what we planned to do.
I was there for him empathetically and loved him unconditionally for many years of his own troubles. He then grew his wings and didn’t need or want me.

Hurt, broken, and at times I’ve felt out of control I just wanted to end it. A way out.
I miss him terribly and feel lost. And have so much I don’t understand. I’m not sure how I’ll get through this but your blogs helps in that moment. Xxxx

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LA.J-

I feel and can totally empathize with your pain. I went through a breakup in January and still feel like I am recovering from it/him. It’s so heartbreaking to feel like you did everything for someone and gave your soul to them just to have them discard you and walk away as if things were meaningless. It’s not fair, it’s makes you feel like you dont deserve love and your mind wants to try and end the hurt. It has always amazed me how our minds can amplify the pain but also work to heal it. We just need to feed it the right thoughts. Natasha’s posts taught me to take things minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. Feeling the pain, acknowledging it and dismissing it. You are an amazing woman who loved with your entire heart and when you are least expecting it- someone will come along who will give that back to you. This is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through and I am sure it is the same for you but we will wear our scars proudly and know that we fought to keep going even in what we felt was the worst of times. Things get better, the hurt gets duller and our power gets stronger. Hang in there as I promise there are amazing things in store once this storm passes. Hugs and love to you 💕

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What a great post my dear Natasha. Truly inspired. And I would have to say that #2, #13 and #15 resonated the most with me. You know how much I love and respect you girl. Your vulnerability and honesty is so appreciated in everything you write. Keep preachin sister…. we are listening, we hear you!! 🙂

And lastly, a favorite quote from one of the best poets ever…
” Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” William Shakespeare

Love to all in this tribe.
xxxxxxx

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Vicki! I love you too 🙂 Thank you for sharing the quote – it’s incredible.

I’m so glad that the post was helpful and even happier to hear from you 🙂 Love you #whitehorsewarrior xx

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How is it you write exactly what is on everyone’s hearts? Just amazing work and I hope you will have a book out soon! The advice you give is so REAL, so genuine, and so greatly appreciated.

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I wish I could put into words just how mugh that means to me 💕👭😘 Podcast and book coming soon. Thanks for your love, sisterhood, connection and support KNB. xx

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Excuse me for saying, but Holy. Shit. – If you even had an inkling of an idea of how much I needed this… I’m literally ocer here contemplating checking myself into a psych ward, and I read this… 😱 No words, just thank you. 😢

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YAA 🙂 So happy it helped! Thanks Gina. You are never alone. xoxo

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Thanks for this post. I haven’t been feeling too good these days n this post just helped to motivate myself and to get me back on track…

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Hi Hemlan! I’m glad that the post served you. We are all behind you 1000% believing in and supporting you. You got this 🙂 xoxo

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Yet again, you hit this one out of the park. All I can say is I cant get to a quite place fast enough to read your post once I receive the email I wait until i am unbothered and in a peaceful state so I can read understand and soak up all you say to its core. It has almost been a year now since I got myself very sick and as you said just wanted it to end except I was so close to not being here and am just thankful I am and I found this blog. Natasha I speak of you to often I use your quotes and when I am in a situation I am unsure of I ink back to all the blogs I read and remember your words and I always find myself out of the tunnel and back in a clear mind state saying Natalie just stay on the white horse it safe here. Also I drink the morning green smoothie and have my organic apple sauce and bee pollen with hot lemon water every morning. My health is my highest priority now and the things you suggested have finally given me relief with my horrible stomach issues I belive to have been brought on my stress and all the things you mentioned in many blogs I have always suffered. I look forward to my morning routine cause it makes me feel so good. I hope you realize what an angel you truly are to us all the strength and hope you have helped us see in ourselves. I am thankful to god everyday that I was guided to your blog and I cant stop saying just how thankful I am for the human you are and all the work you did on yourself so you can help us all pull ourselves out of dark places. I love you to the moon and back. Thank you Sister

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NatalieMarie,

I am in tears as I write this. There is absolutely nothing I could reply to you that would adequately express my love, appreciation and gratitude for you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you too soul sister. XOXO

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ALSO – I’m so glad that you like the morning routine as much as I do 🙂 I hope that we can meet in person one day soon 🙂 x

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I nearly cried reading this too ! God bless you Natalie, god really does work in mysterious ways xxxx

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<3 xxxx

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Hello everyone, this is opened to anyone to tell me what they think, natasha included, because i don’t know where i’ll get my answers from, if i would get them. So i went through a very bad breakup while in my final year of college and as a result i made a new friend(she was a foreign student), i would talk to her, she would advice me, we would go out partying, drinking and just , like we were friends. After we were done with exams we stayed in school for a while and spoke about hanging out. On a particular day a friend of hers’ was supposed to come leave something with me and she texted me to tell me the person was in but when i tried calling her she did not pick up my calls and the next day was when we were supposed to hang out and, she all of a sudden was packing to leave school so i was like O….K?? but i didnt say anything. So im home now and she texted me last week asking if i’d go to the club with her but i couldn’t because i was home so i suggested we go swimming and she said ok. I started calling her asking for the date and time and no answer, the phone would ring but no answer,so i got her insta handle, dm’d her sent her a friend request, and i noticed that she had changed her profile picture but my message was still unread and my follow request ignored. Did i do something wrong? why would she ghost me? I literally thought i had made a true friend and i’m so confused and hurt and dunno what to do. Any advice or something because i’m still recovering from the breakup and now the person i thought was my very good friend has just disappeared.

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Hi Dee!

I wish that I had the time to answer to the extent that I want to. My gut says that this has absolutely nothing to do with you (I’m going off of the details that you shared above). It sounds like she’s going through something and is being disrespectfully avoidant instead of respectfully (and maturely) communicative as girlfriends should be. All my love to you – You’re not alone. XOXO

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Hello Natasha.
There is not one word here that does not apply to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I consider this and all your posts to be so valuable because they teach and inspire and give STRENGTH to me and no doubt all who are here.
I appreciate all you do. I do not find this wisdom anywhere else in my life. Not family, not in counseling not in books. It’s here because you have lived what we are either living presently or have in the past. July 30th will unfortunately make one year that my life went dark. Yes, I did want to die just to end the pain. I could. It understand why I had to keep waking up everyday just to do it all again! I found you and your wisdom breathed new life into me. I continue to insert your wisdom in my life all day and everyday. I have to in order to keep going. Thank you is not enough but I am thankful to you and all of the tribe. I love you nd all you do. GREAT POST again!!! Be well and look forward to my next dose of PMS . 😘🦄💕🌸

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Linda,

I wish you knew the extant to which you have not only enriched my life and helped me through your transparency and vulnerability, but how much you’ve helped so many others in this tribe. It is my honor and pleasure to be there for, with, and right beside you.

The best part about our pain was that it put us in each other’s path. For that, I am forever grateful. I love you so much Linda and am happy that the post helped. You are missed, believed in, rooted for, supported, and never alone. xoxo

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😘💕😍 thank you.

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As always, perfect timing and exactly what I needed to read.
Thank you

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Hi Sandra! 🙂 YAY!

I’m happy that the post served you. Thanks for your love, support, and for being a part of this tribe. xxxx

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Natasha, you total babe you!!

You articulate these lessons in such a way that every single one of them resonated to my core and brightened my day like you wouldn’t believe! I needed that hug today!

Just like in #15 how you mentioned true love being LINEAR, this is me working to keep myself on the linear (upwards) path to growth! So, while having a particularly sh*tty moment of “hmm, let me play the highlight reel of all the things I’ve failed at and start scrolling through instagram to maybe batter and bruise myself with self inflicted torture” I decided to pop by and say HEY to all you babes. In honour of your vulnerability and openness, let’s take a little tour through the AWESOME 🙂 life lessons and I’ll toss in one of the sight seeing landmarks I’ve visited along the way. SH*T is about to get realllll honest. (side note: seriously can’t thank you enough for putting your words and love out there and giving us all an amazing place to turn to for solidarity).

I struggle the most with Lesson #3 – REJECTION. Just the word itself can still send me into a brief moment of anxiety, but then I remember it ISN’T ABOUT ME. I keep revisiting your posts if I really need to hammer that point home! Removing that element of RESPONSIBILITY is beyond freeing. I had been told for sooo long, by soooo many people that in life, it really isn’t all about me.. I used to think “but to hell with them”… I wanted to hold onto the notion that there was something WRONG with me. Something I needed to fix, alter, remove, change, buy, inject, surgically enhance.. etc.. you get the drift. I needed to control the situation and not accept it. During my habit of pedestaling people (especially guys I was just starting to see), I started to inflate their value almost instantaneously and all of a sudden I had HOOPS TO JUMP THROUGH. Watch me parade around like a trained monkey, watch me TRY TRY TRY. It was exactlyyyy how you’ve described it before – without that challenging element/standard to meet I wasn’t going to feel like I was ‘enough’. Without that opposing force I just wasn’t motivated enough to work on myself for ME – in an authentic, genuine way. I needed that validation from an outside source (“pick me, choose me, love me”- f*ck right off Meredith Grey). Like OH, you haven’t had a serious, committed relationship in 3 years and you’re 33? MUST mean that you have impeccably high standards and I have to PERFORM like a circus animal in order to jump through fiery hoops and be the girl you CHOOSE. You’re HOT/ACCOMPLISHED/RICH/FUNNY/POPULAR/GOOD AT SPORTS/ ETC and I need you to validate me by that association you’ve talked about. You didn’t choose me? MUST be something wrong with me and I didn’t meet the standard. Let’s not forget about all the little pink and red flags I blurred out. Time to beat myself up…. Vomit.. just writing it out now makes me cringe. My logical brain sat in the back of the bus while my emotions/libido/fear of being alone drove the bus right into oncoming traffic. time and time and time again….

Now, one of the lessons I’ve learned here is two-fold. (thank you PMS!) For starters, theres no way a connection could genuinely happen because a) Like you’ve talked about, I was auditioning. I lost sight of myself and wanted to play a role that I imagined they wanted me in. Even if I had gotten the title of girlfriend, I would have felt immense pressure to keep up the facade. THAT SH*T IS DRAINING. Secondly, with my rose-coloured glasses in full effect I was looking up at these people standing up on the pedestals I BUILT for them and not actually getting to see things in FULL view. All I got was the glimpse from the sh*tty $5 seats while I put them right behind home plate. OHHH the power of perspective! All it takes is a slight shift in that perspective to really shift the focus.

One night, while stuck in particularly sh*tty traffic near the airport, I started taking note of all the planes passing overhead. Just as one took off, another would follow close after. It got me thinking – If you miss a flight, you don’t chase after the damn airplane down the runway, you just have to wait for the next one. So, my embarrassing habit of chasing after guys started to look a little different in my brain. (particularly insane/embarrassing examples of my chasing habits: Maybe if I sent a nice good morning message because they aren’t reaching out anymore that would show them how sweet I am.. Maybe if I posted an insta story showing how hot/cute/fit/fun I look and how awesome my life is maybe they will magically see my ‘value’… maybe if they took 4 hours to reply they must hate me and be talking to other girls and let’s go on a CSI mission to look at who they are following now and what photos they liked…) OMG I am cringing again. I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT! my time and energy is so much more precious.

Let’s get back to the airplanes overhead and my thought process that day in the car as it relates to relationships. A little glimpse into how I would think: I get this idea I want to go on a trip. I start deciding what I’m in the mood for – Tropical? Ski trip? European backpacking? I buy my ticket and start to envision alllll the amazing memories I will make. I’ll document them on insta for everyone to see, and I’ll filter the SH*T out of them (I said I would be HONEST). I pack my bags, pick my plane outfit, pack my snacks, get all my stuff perfectly organized (ok, I’m lying.. I throw it in my bag last minute but whatever). But basically, I’ve already gone on the trip in my brain before I even got to the damn airport. Then I actually go to the airport for my flight. I’ve got this magical ticket in my hand and I’m ready to have all my expectations met. I’m sitting there, living in my dream world when the person at the counter tells me the plane is full and I’ve been bumped to another flight. WHAT? NO, HOW DARE YOU, I AM SUPPOSED TO BE ON “THIS” FLIGHT. Instead of accepting that my seat has been chosen to sit this one out, I start to panic.. As the anxiety rises in my throat the wheels start to turn. How do I “make this work?”. I go into crisis mode and start thinking in terms of bargaining. I start contemplating the idea of asking to be PUT IN THE CARGO HOLD. ………..”Oh sure, I totally get it… Why don’t I just hang out in the dark, humid, windowless cargo area with all the baggage and ride this flight out there”… “While you’re at it, why don’t you just strap me to the wing, I reallllly like the fresh air and I don’t mind the element of danger. What’s that, chance of super painful experience? WHERE do I sign up??”

I couldn’t accept that the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be on this flight and that it likely had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t because my outfit wasn’t cute enough, or my boobs weren’t big enough, or that I didn’t pack the right snacks. It’s not like I would go find out who sat in my seat on the flight before me and try to emulate them and then maybe I could be on that flight.. or if I waited around and compared myself to who sat in my seat for that flight it would have made a difference.

Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with this ALL the time. It’s a continual process of growth, but I don’t sit stagnant in that feeling for NEARLY as long anymore and I SURE AS SH*T DON’T sit around and start contemplating life in the cargo hold. There will be good days, and not so good. But I’m actively working on LOVING myself, being KIND to myself, and building that foundation as strong as humanly possible so that when I miss flights, I know that the right flight will come, and that in the meantime, I can start living my life for the NOW and not pre-planning vacations and photo albums before I’ve even gone to the airport. Maybe instead of the plane, I’ll take the road less travelled on my white horse… Might take me a little longer, might be a little less crowded, and ultimately might just have better scenery for the journey. I don’t even need to take pictures along the way… or maybe I can, but I can just keep them in my own personal album to remind myself of how far I’ve come.

LOVE to you all!!!

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YES. Sending a virtual high-five, Nicole! Love it, especially the bit about your own personal album 💖 Empowering words!

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Awesome Nicole. And you are correct, it’s a continual process of growth. Loved your analogies my friend. 🙂

xxxx

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Yessss, love your ‘list’ posts! Some days your words are my spiritual energy drink and other days your words are like soothing, comforting bedtime tea. So much resonates here but I love the simple reminder “I can’t control the past (with regret) and I can’t control the future (with anxiety). I can only do positive things today.” The phrase your mom used “rehearsing the future” has stuck with me since I read it too. I’d heard “rehashing the past” many times before but “rehearsing the future” is incredibly accurate. This is what we waste all our time doing WHILE killing our chances in the PRESENT of creating a future that’s different from the one we’re so fearful of… yet continually mentally rehearse for over and over and over again. It’s crazy how long it took me to actually understand and accept that yes – the future is…what I make it NOW.

Your writing opened up a whole new world in me that I’m not sure I would have embraced or believed in if it weren’t for your bravery and honesty. I feel I’ve actually traveled (and continue to travel) an internal journey that’s allowed me to birth a new external one full of hope, self-love, giving of myself to others, and a newfound appreciation for and desire to nurture the light that resides in all of us.

All my love to you always. xx

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😭💕👭💋 Thank you from the bottom of my heart Amy. I love James’ and my Mom’s quotes too!

Sending you love sister xxx

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Dear Natasha,
I feel do lucky that I’ve found you. I feel like we’ve been brainwashed to be believe in these silly Hollywood concepts and most of the people I’m surrounded by have found that happiness but for me the reality is not like that at all, with you it feels like you know exactly what I mean!

You mentioned briefly the idea of setting i find it difficult to know when is that the case. The person who sets my heart on fire is usually the wrong guy but I think it’s hard to control how I feel about someone . Maybe you or some of your readers have an opinion? 💖

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Hi Daniella!

I feel lucky that you found me too 🙂 You are incredible. I love that! Will try to write a post about it soon! xxxx

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I came across your site after my ex broke up with me the day before NYE 2017. Since then this has become my lifeline, the place I go to at 2 in the morning when I can’t sleep and feel alone. It’s like having your best friend with you by your side 24/7. I read and reread your articles and can’t tell you how much support I get from them. You have helped me to heal and believe that I am ok and can get through this. I still have a way to go but your posts are invaluable and I can’t thank you enough. Please keep them coming. Helen from England.

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Helen,

I can’t put into words just how much you, your love, support, and this beautiful message mean to me. It is an honor and I am so happy to have and continue to help. I know what it’s like to feel so painfully alone and just knowing that my writing was able to relieve you of that feeling even by a small fraction is the greatest gift of all. It’s what I live for.

You are never alone. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. I love you sister.

xxxxx

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Girls, this is amazing, reading all your comments. I fell so much better and less alone, you really can’t imagine how much it helps!
I come back here nearly everyday and even we struggle with problems I don’t wish for my enemy I am proud in a way to be part of this tribe!

I just wonder if anyone of you also feels guilty when reading through this post? I think: Wow, I was/am the ‘bad’ person in this part and not only the ‘victim’. I am toxic, playing victim and can be really nasty sometime. This makes applying these rules really tough because I think to myself: No wonder why people left you, maybe they just had really healthy boundaries and enough was enough. I am not talking about the obvious cheating on, lying exes. More about healthy people who became board/annoyed by my reverse narcissism.
I’ll be in touch about this with Natasha asking for more advice but at the moment I feel so ‘unnormal’ and like a really bad narcissist who doesn’t deserve to implement these lessons.

All my love to you
xx

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Hi Joy!

I am so happy that the posts have helped 🙂 Thanks for your insight! I will try to write more about this soon. xxxx

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Good evening Natasha and thanks for this, really resonates! I’ve come so far in the passed two years, it’s only when you’re so much stronger you see properly. I have the guilts though, I have seen how’ve negative a friend is to be around and like in your post I totally agree that I feel happier away from her and the conversations with no substance or joy, trouble is I’m the god son of her child. Struggling, possibly over thinking and need to take this day by day. 😊

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Happy that the post served you! That is a tough situation. YES – Take it day by day and implement boundaries where you need to. You are not alone. xxxx

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Thank you 🙏🏾 love lots xxxxx

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Your insights and excellent word-smithing of them are wonderful. I’m sharing your link w/ my friends. Thanks so much w/ what you’re doing. So helpful…you have no idea.

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Thanks Trish! That is the greatest gift you could ever give me – affirming that the posts have helped and sharing PMS with your friends. I am so happy and honored to help. Love to you sister. xx

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Hello 🙂

You are such a beautiful soul! Thank you for speaking your truth, always!
What we all learn each and every single day (Evolution) is that if we can all just be real, true and transparent, we CAN MAKE A HELLA difference! And if everyone can just PAUSE and be who they are, and stop wasting a PERFECTLY GREAT YOU by trying to be someone else or hide their Sh*t, LIKE no one else is going through this. We can all successfully help each other and grow together as humans “BEING” because that’s what we are. BEING HUMAN. And no one should ever forget that.

Thanks so much for your realness and your pure brutal honesty and helping so many woman BE WHO THEY ARE with PRIDE!

You are beautiful inside and out, because you are uniquely you!

xxx

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Hi Nicky! Thank you so much 😭♥️👭 It takes one to know one 🦄 You are incredible. I’m so happy and honored to help and couldn’t agree with you more. All my love to you soul sis. xoxo

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Love this post friend. Xo.

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Thanks 🙂 miss you x

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