Guess what? The quality of your life and your relationships, the level of success you reach and the level to which people are attracted to and interested in connecting with you are ALL dependent on ONE thing: Boundaries.

Boundaries are easy – they’re basically your non-negotiables as far as what you are willing/not willing to put up with. Boundaries teach people how to treat you and are the building blocks of unapologetic confidence and self esteem.

Every time I’ve “adjusted” my boundaries for someone, I’ve always ended up hurt and in hindsight, frustrated that I put up with amateur hour at the expense of my dignity and heart.

Looking back on it all, everything happens for a reason.

I don’t really like telling you guys that “everything happens for a reason.” Why? Because it sounds douchey, obvious and sometimes things happen in life that are so painful, trying to “reason label” them is like adding salt to the most unjust and unfair wound.

Regardless of what it is, don’t ever think that your failures didn’t happen for a reason.

One thing that has always prevented me from being able to propel out of deceit, rejection, failure, judgement and abandonment, is the shame associated with how much time I’ve wasted. Shame will literally freeze you in time. It will prevent you from evolving and extinguish any possibility of relational, personal and professional success.

This morning I re-read the post that I wrote on failure. Looking back on it, it’s amazing to see how every step was so integral.

I was always ashamed because of how much time I thought I had wasted – not only through my failures, but even more so in the aftershocks of them. This kept my anxiety at an all-time high and crippled me into a state of fear-based paralysis. I felt like I had already wasted so much time, there was no other option but to waste more of it and obsess over f*cktards who had no problem wasting it as well.

Now looking back, I’m so grateful for my many failures in the entertainment industry. It built emotional muscle and gave me invaluable knowledge that I’m now using for my own show and video courses. I also now coach many of the celebrities that I aspired for so long to be just like. I’m able to help them on a level that I never would have been able to if I didn’t have first-hand knowledge of the industry. Maybe one day, PMS will turn into a television show and all of the knowledge that I amassed from completely failing at making a movie will come to fruition.

Who knows?

What I do know: Everything happens for a reason.

Now let’s get back to you…

Good or bad – everything that you are experiencing right now in your life is a direct result of 2 things:

  1. Decisions that you’ve made based on what you have chosen to TOLERATE.
  2. Allowing those tolerations to define your BOUNDARIES.

And because your decisions are based upon the level at which you’ve chosen to tolerate, your tolerations are always in direct correlation with the quality and/or presence of your boundaries.

Boundaries are so powerful because they literally shape your life. Without clear-cut boundaries, you will always allow the decisions and actions of other people to fog your vision, cater to your fears and subject you to the role of “doormat #1” in YOUR life story.

It’s time to reclaim your starring role. Doormats are boring to watch.

Here are 11 core boundaries that will change your life right now.

  • BOUNDARIES #1 – Identify the anchors and RELEASE. 

    This isn’t complicated at all but for the majority of my life, I loved to complicate the sh*t out of this simple boundary: If someone is an emotional anchor, cut them out. If they uplift, motivate and make you feel as though loving, being honest with and supporting you is not a concerted effort (or something that they do to get something else in return)… bring them closer. Don’t ever tolerate anyone who makes you feel like loving you is hard.

    Just because there’s history, a special title or even blood ties, that doesn’t give you a license to betray yourself by maintaining a close relationship with toxic people on your emotional dime.

    No one should ever receive a history, familial or title pass here. If you have to maintain a relationship with them because they’re family or you have kids with them, vow to maintain your emotional distance.

    We are always instructed before taking off on a flight that if the plane goes down, we must secure our own oxygen first. Yes, I always try to prioritize and be there for friends, family and everyone that I love, but I never waver in making sure that I’m not coming to the emotional table out of breath and hungry. If you’re starving, a crumb of moldy bread will taste like a filet.

    Your oxygen needs to be secured first or you won’t have the (emotional) oxygen to help anyone or see clearly. If you don’t secure your oxygen first, your emotional life will end up being dependent on the limited air supply of others.

    Bottom line: Out of all the 10 boundaries, this boundary is essential to living a life free of relationsh*ts, friendsh*ts and so much unnecessary pain, bullsh*t and drama. Do not get physically/emotionally intimate with or close to ANYONE who consistently brings you down or dishonors you in any way. 

    Remember – your time, emotional currency and energy are SACRED. Treat them as such. If you spit in the universe’s face and declare that war is what you want, war is what you will (continue to) get.

  • BOUNDARIES #2 – Never react, ALWAYS respond. 

    I learned the hard way that there’s a major difference between reacting and responding. Reactivity is emotional, defensive and “I’m-taking-this-personally,” impulsive. It translates as weak and that you have no control over your own emotional weather. It also affirms to the offending party that they have access to manipulate, control and set off your triggers.

    Responding, on the other hand, is rooted in logic. It translates as being in control, unfazed, self-aware, confident and powerful. I hardly ever get hateful comments here on PMS. It’s nothing but love. I’ve gotten maybe 5 low-blow comments since launching the blog almost 3 years ago, which is unheard of online. How? People know that they’re never going to get a reaction out of me, only a dignified response. If you vow to only respond to people and never to react, you’ll always be standing tall in your power and be able to effortlessly command the respect that you’ve been eternally craving.

    You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation or a reaction. Explaining and reacting are draining – Responding with the foundation of action is empowering. 

  • BOUNDARIES #3 – Let’s be honest.

    Fronting may get you in the door, but it will always get you kicked out of the party. In the past, I always felt like I had to embellish everything and basically misrepresent the sh*t out of myself because deep down, I never felt like I was enough.

    Lesson: Always be honest. It’s actually really addicting, empowering and fun. Honesty is a lost art. And because it’s unfortunately, more often than not associated with inflicting pain, people have become afraid of it.

    True honesty isn’t painful. It’s a rarity.

    And just like there’s a fine line between cockiness and confidence, there’s a very fine line between being brutally honest and being kindly honest. ALWAYS be kind in your honesty, never brutal. But please, JUST.BE.HONEST – with others and yourself. Your life will not only get so much easier, it will transform. 

    Try being completely honest for one full day (remember, this IS NOT about being hurtful, pedestaling yourself, seeking attention or being divisive in any way).

    It’s amazing how powerful the boundary of honesty can be. One of my favorite writers and out-of-the-box thinkers, James Altucher, writes about the power of honesty here.

  • BOUNDARIES #4 – Quit it.

    You can’t take someone more seriously than they take themselves. You can only take them as seriously as they consistently present themselves.

    Stop giving credit to people that they haven’t earned.

  • BOUNDARIES #5 – Too much talking.

    Learn to minimize the talking and maximize ACTING. Feeling guilty for having boundaries is totally normal at first, especially if you suffer from low self esteem. Don’t give up. Keep ACTING and the “tail-between-your-legs,” guilt will turn into unf*ckwithable POWER. Since when did recognizing yourself in a healthy and respectful manner become a bad/shameful thing?

    Remember – Anyone who makes you feel bad for having boundaries will have no problem busting yours.

  • BOUNDARIES #6 – What are you willing to put up with?

    The best way to build unapologetic self esteem is to consistently assess your tolerations. Decide what behavior you will unequivocally accept and reject from others. And stick to it.

    Remember: I’ve said this many times… YOU are the CEO of Y-O-U. It’s time to rework your out-of-date terms & conditions. It’s okay to say “you’re fired!” through minimal words, kindness in your honesty and dignified action.

    This is what drives the opposite sex crazy. I can’t tell you how many male clients of mine expressed how much of a turn on the last post on no contact was. Why? Just like true love, unapologetic self confidence is just as rare.

  • BOUNDARIES #7 – Be your own Knight.

    Always… I repeat ALWAYS stay on your white horse. Do you want your ex to have one fraction of an idea of the hell, pain and heartbreak that he/she put you through? Cut.them.off. Let your silence do the talking and always maintain grace under pressure by staying on your white horse.

    Don’t worry about the other person forgetting you, they won’t. Think about this – when it’s a holiday or your birthday, who do you remember more? – The people who wished you a happy birthday/holidays or the person who didn’t?

    Be your own knight in shining armor. The only people who are interested in “saving you,” are the ones who feel that by doing so, they’ll be able to secure control over your emotional weather. Emotionally available lovers and friends won’t be turned on by having to “save” a you out of your own insecurities. Be the responsive, non-reactionary class act that everyone is in awe of instead of the resident psycho who needs a muzzle and a leash. Exhibit grace under pressure when all you want to do is retaliate and react.

    A monkey could snap its fingers, flip its hair and throw out a few one-liners that are sharper than a dagger. It takes someone with real power and strength to remain calm, communicate through her actions and move on.

    The short-term pain WILL eventually translate into a lifetime of joy, peace, gratitude and appreciation that you rid your life of people who didn’t know the value of being in it.

    There’s no need to be the moral police or anyone’s emotional training wheels here. You don’t need to show grown adults “the right way to behave,” or lose your cool and get crazy labeled. It’s not your job. Don’t allow people set off your triggers and push your buttons. Only YOU know the combination to that lock. Not them.

    If you want someone to know how you truly feel and what they’ve truly done: Stay calm and never lower yourself to a level in which you attempt to re-package and throw back pain that they caused, just so you can feel like you’re in control for a hot minute. It will boomerang right back every time.

  • BOUNDARIES #8 – No waiting, no competing and no lies.

    Never, ever wait around for someone to decide if they want you in their life. EVER. Remember – you are NOT someone else’s decision. You are the product of YOUR OWN.

    Never engage in competition. If you find yourself competing with anyone or anything for your partner’s attention, love, respect or time… fold.

    If someone has lied to you or rejected you in either a passive or direct manner… never, ever pursue them again. Your self esteem will thank you in spades. All it takes is implementing this boundary ONE TIME. The euphoric high/emotional payout you’ll get from it will be too rewarding, exhilarating and beneficial to ignore ever again.

  • BOUNDARIES #9 – Be a quiet observer. Especially during tough times.

    Painful, life-altering circumstances – breakups, diagnoses, accidents, emergencies, etc., will ALWAYS show you who the people around you are. And as painful as it is, it’s the ultimate gift because it gives you back one of the most invaluable things besides your health: time. Time that would have been wasted wondering why you weren’t “enough” for an emotionally deaf and blind person to miraculously see and hear.

    Also, make sure to always take note of how the people you’re close with treat not only you, but how they treat everyone else – their family, friends, animals, children, the elderly, the waiter, the homeless person on the street, etc.

    It will tell you more than any answer to any question you could ever ask them.

  • BOUNDARIES #10 – Excuses…

    Stop making excuses for other people’s behavior/lack of respect for your boundaries and stop revising your boundaries for certain people/situations. There are no exceptions here. Unless you’re dealing with a 5 year old, you don’t need to treat a grown adult like a child just because they’ve proven to be an emotional bed sh*tter. You just need to get out of the bed.

    The second your partner starts to become a collage of your excuses, that’s not “unconditional love.” It’s projection at the expense of your dignity and destiny.

    Remember to always honor and respect your boundaries. The ONLY WAY to get others to respect your boundaries is by consistently respecting your own. Your boundaries are never up for revision due to “special” circumstances and people. Know when to fold.

  • BOUNDARIES #11 – Take yourself out of the picture.

    This boundary/realization will literally save you from emotional and spiritual suicide. It will save you from the destruction of self sabotage and the paralyzing effects of rejection and abandonment: Nothing is ever about you. EVER.

    Good or bad, whatever anyone says or does to you is a reflection of their own emotional state of being, childhood trauma and trying as best as they can to evade THEIR OWN pain and suffering. It has nothing to do with you – it never did and it never will.

    The moment that you don’t just have an understanding of this but actually KNOW, OWN and LIVE it, is the moment that living a life on YOUR TERMS and calling your own shots will BEGIN.

Love to you all. XO

Natasha

if you need further or more personalized help, please look into working with me here

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36 comments

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I’m sooooooo going to buy your book!!
“Don’t ever tolerate anyone who makes you feel like loving you is hard” – Best advice ever!
And your emotional oxygen metaphor is insanely genius!

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Thank you so much Farah! 🙂 XOXO

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It’s been truly life changing finding your blog and being a part of this tribe! I’m so grateful for everything you have written and shared on this blog with us and you have no idea how much it has helped me heal and go through hard times. Love you Natasha and this tribe so much! <3

"The short-term pain WILL eventually translate into a lifetime of joy, peace, gratitude and appreciation that you rid your life of people who didn’t know the value of being in it." This is everthing! I'm currently going through my second break up and getting rid of people who does nothing but tear me down. It is painful, but like you said it will also eventually pass and I know now that by working on my boundaries I will finally have a life filled with happiness and peace.

Ps: I'm counting down the days until you online courses come out <3 And I can't wait for your book too! Xx

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Thank you so much for being a part of this tribe Mishaell 🙂 Love you too sister. Thank you!! xx

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Amazing, you truly get it. I’m sending this to all my friends that need this advice right now. 🙂 xoxo, Lauren

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Thanks Lauren! Sharing it with your friends is the best gift/compliment you could ever give me; It means the world. So happy that the post helped! 🙂 xx

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Why didn’t I find you sooner? Wow…that’s the only word I can conjure at this moment just …wow. Complete and utter perfection. Ladies is we could follow these 11 rules we would truly be an unstoppable force. We already are. “ never react, only respond.” Thank you Natasha. You inspire me to be a better human.

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So happy it helped! Thanks for the love and support soul sis 🙂 XO

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This is definitely a post for me to bookmark and come back to read at least once a day. Fantastic reminders. Natasha, as always, thank you for somehow knowing exactly what we all need to hear/know/be reminded of when we least expect it and yet when it makes the biggest impact. I can’t wait to see what is next!

All the love always,
Bex

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Also bookmarking and rereading!! 🙂

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🙂 xx

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Thank you so much Bex 🙂 I love you sister. You’re my hero. xx

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I never publically comment, but without a doubt you are one of the most emotionally intelligent, life-affirming, and uplifting to the point of exhillarstion, inspirations for me and all of us who are blessed to have found you!! Thank you for being the voice I have been craving to have in my ear to guide, support, and put into words the emotions I could not. I am most likely older (56) than many of your followers, but your insight is ageless and I refuse to stop living in spite of the heartache and emotional ride my life has taken. You are inspiring me to have the best years ahead of me!

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Hi Kate! Your comment brought me to tears of endless appreciation, gratitude and love for the light that you are. The pleasure and honor are truly all mine. What I write about doesn’t discriminate against anything – race, age, wisdom, gender, orientation, socioeconomic status… It is the common denominator that unites us all <3 Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being a part of this tribe. Your best years are definitely ahead 🙂 Sending you so much love soul sister. XOXO

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Awwww. This made me cry. So beautiful. 💌 love to you, Kate. Keep reading, it’s all soul food. No crumbs here.
Xxx

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🙂 xxxx

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Absolutely loved this post Natasha. Keep them coming! You’re an inspiration. Thanks for giving me my confidence back!

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Yay! Happy it helped! 🙂 Thanks Alisha! You are loved and believed in. Thank you for being a part of this tribe. XO

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Thank you for this. ❤️

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🙂 XOXO

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Awesome post Natasha! — Thank you!!!!

It all makes sense and resonates, especially: “Never, ever wait around for someone to decide if they want you in their life. EVER. Remember – you are NOT someone else’s decision. You are the product of YOUR OWN“

I’m exactly in this position where I’m basically entangled with someone who is involved yet is trying to figure out if he wants to leave that (10 year) marriage to be with me (eek), and as much as I hope for it, I told him that he can call me AFTER he’s figured out he doesn’t want to be with her, and that otherwise there’s no reason or us to talk. So far, he’s respecting that boundary, although he tries to find me, smile at me, etc. And I just smile at him and look at him like everyone else (except with everyone else I think I’m a bit warmer and more engaged, like, How are you?, but I treat him like neutral territory – nothing malicious, but nothing special either).

It sucks for my heart because I DO want him, and I feel like my heart is “on hold” as he makes up his mind. Which is SO DUMB!!!!!!!! And what you said above, about not being a product of someone else’s decision touches on exactly what I’m grappling with. I want to own my life, direct it myself, not have the course decided by him… not be a doormat!!!!! So I’m trying my hardest to move on and let go of the hope and expectation. It helps big time to not be communicating at. All.

I LOVE reading your blog! It has really helped me direct my relationships and build self confidence, and I even do feel sexier :)))

Anyway, thank you big time for sharing all this!

Lots of love to your and this community!,
Sasha

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Hi Sasha!

You are loved, understood, empathized with, supported and never alone in this. Keep coming back here to the blog and feel every ounce of your feelings – they are there to remind you of your worth. You’re incredible.

Thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you soul sister 🙂 xx

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Natasha, I continue to be grateful for your wisdom, guidance and words of inspiration. This has definitely been such a dark time for me. I still miss him daily but I repeat many of your words to myself as well. THANK YOU for caring and devoting yourself to all of us. I feel lonely daily but I feel better coming to these pages. It is a tribe and as long as we take action by creating boundaries as you state , we will prevail. I am 53 and I wish I had these lessons a long time ago but I am learning now. It’s not to late.
I love you and your spirit. Thank you again and I am working on my boundaries starting now.
Be well and know you are helping us all every minute of every day. 💕🌸🦄

P. S. so excited to read your book and everything else you create. 😍

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Linda, I wish that I could put into words how much you, your love, support and comments mean to me and this tribe. We all believe in and support you 🙂 Yes – work on implementing these boundaries NOW. You got this sis! Love you endlessly. xx

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Natasha,

Can’t say enough how this post spoke to me. With every one you write I find a deeper connection to how it completely relates in my life & my current situation. It truly guides me with every word you write. I’m going to re-read this often this week. You’re absolutely amazing as always 💜

Jess

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Thank you from the bottom of my heart Jess. Love you sissy. XOXO

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This is like a cheat sheet for being true to yourself. Very empowering and a good litmus test to establish where you are at with your own boundaries!

This is information everyone should read because the world would be a much better place if we all understood why we need strong boundaries and the effect they actually have on your emotional well-being. There are so many people who could benefit from this article. Young, old, male and female. Everyone.

Imagine a world where everyone KNEW this stuff. How much happier, healthier and fulfilled people would be. Less hurt, less pain. More honesty and authenticity. People wouldn’t be trying so hard to impress others, instead they would be able to be more organic about life and live it for themselves – and in the process do a better job of loving those that matter instead of trying to maintain and repair relatiosh*ts at their own expense.

I’m doing great with this kind of stuff now but there was a point when I was miserable because instead of thinking about my own happiness I would try to work on things that weren’t about me ( but that somehow I felt responsible for). Duh!

So I guess reading this post just filled me with gratitude and also affirmed that I was in a healthy space with my boundaries now. And I’m so much at peace for it. It’s easy to feel happy when you treat yourself well. Because it radiates outward and people intrinsically understand what you will and won’t put up with. Living this truth really does set you free. You validate yourself instead of looking for it from others.

What a beautiful thing to share with us all, Natasha. We are all waiting for your book! It needs to be out there in the world and when it is, you’ll work your magic in a new way. Keep spreading the love, angel.

Xxx 💜🌺💜

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Thank you for being an angel in my life Lorelle. I have found myself going back to read your comments in my darkest moments and they have helped more than you’ll ever know <3 I love you sister.

Could not agree more - boundaries give you back the life that you didn't know you could have. A life without boundaries is living at the expense of your potential. Without boundaries, you become a liability to your destiny.

I'm so proud of and happy for you. You've got me for life. xxxx

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Natasha,

Thank you so much for all your posts – they are literally keeping me sane right now and giving me hope that I can make marked change in how I feel about me! It’s also nice to know that I’m not alone and even at 48 years old I can still grow and enjoy my later years in the way I deserve.

K.

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Hi K!

I’m glad that the posts have helped 🙂 Of course you can! This kind of stuff does not discriminate against anything – age, gender, wisdom, race, orientation, etc. The key is to feel your feelings and USE the triggers that they bring to the surface to propel you into evolutionary ACTION. Your best years are ahead of you. We are all behind you – loving and supporting you – 1000%. Always. xo

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I have been reading your blog for the past 2-3 months. You have been more help to me than you realize. I have been having a very hard time to walk away from an ongoing on and off relationship that I have had for the past 8 years. He was an alcoholic for all of those 8 except the last 8 months. You put everything into words that I have been through and it has been a life saver to me. I have finally gotten to that point that I’m finally ready to cut the cord. It has been so hard due to the invested time and the shame I feel. He deceitfully talked me back into the relationship and I was almost over him and had distances myself for the same reasons that are going on now. So I feel tricked, mad, ashamed and sad all at the same time. So thank you and much love to you for helping me and so many other women. It’s time to get my power back and rebuild and heal.
Anissa <3

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Hi Anissa! It was, is and will always be my absolute pleasure. I’m honored to have helped. You are loved, supported, believed in and never alone in this (or ever!). I know how hard it is. Thank you for sharing, for being a part of this tribe and for being the light that you are. Sending you big love. XO

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How lucky are we all to have Natasha and her blog x 💜

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I’m the lucky one 🙂 Thank you Skevoulla! xx

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Your advice is so left field from what I grew up hearing. I used to read cosmo which told me to cha nge my hair colour, wardrobe, or something to get his attention. It never worked, now I understand why. Never go about a relationship with a “please pick me” attitude. If I have to perform for a man’s attention then I’ve dishonoured ME.

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Exactly 🙂 Thanks TevaMac! XOXO

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