I used to have a PhD in “how to mess up your life and luck.” I was the Triple-Crown-Champion-Jedi-master.
There are SO many more ways than 10 to mess up your life and guarantee misery, failure and a magnetic pull toward bad luck (for yourself and others), but I want to share with you the 10 that proved to be the most toxic and destructive for me.
I’ve engaged in/embodied ALL at one point or another in my life.
They dwindled until they were so nonexistent, I was entrenched in wash-rinse-repeat, relationsh*t and friendsh*t HELL. A hell that did nothing more than reflect the relationsh*t I had solidified with myself.
As far as luck goes, luck is such an interesting thing to me. One of my favorite quotes:
“I’m a firm believer in luck. The harder I work, the luckier I get.”
And the funny thing is, same goes with BAD luck.
The harder you work at feeding (and subsequently attracting experiences that cater to) your fears, insecurities, doubts and the self-limiting story that was solidified in childhood… the more unlucky you get.
When I stopped engaging in these 10 things, my life and my luck transformed. I ran out of f*cks to give, was able to implement healthy boundaries (without the usual associated guilt), and stopped sidelining myself in the game of MY life.
As the momentum built and I started to evolve both personally and professionally, people would comment on how “lucky,” I was. It’s not that I was ever “lucky” or “unlucky.” It’s that I stopped engaging in these 10 things that I realized after years of practice, were feeding an emotional cancer that I kept lamenting over the unfortunate symptoms of.
Here are 10 guaranteed ways to mess up your life & your luck:
HOW TO MESS UP YOUR LIFE & YOUR LUCK: Allow people to take up residence in your head and heart, rent free.
If you’re allowing someone/something that happened in the past, to live in your head and heart rent free, it’s because you’re getting fulfillment out of arguing with reality (aka maintaining a toxic connection that caters to your low sense of self), and delaying acceptance. You’re also devaluing your own emotional property by thinking that the only way you’ll be prime real estate, is if someone or something else deems it as such. REMEMBER THIS AND SAVE YOURSELF YEARS OF MISERY: You will never attract anyone that sees in you what you don’t already see in you. And if by chance you meet someone that comes to your emotional land and sees prime real estate… if YOU don’t believe you’re prime real estate, you’ll end up burning the person out, unintentionally hurting them and/or becoming a sitting duck for “he’s-just-not-that-into-you,” disconnect. It’s time for emotional eviction. Take a step back, assess and gracefully release the tenants who are damaging your emotional property. As long as these people and situations are taking up residence in your head and heart, they are only causing you harm (and 99.9% of the time, they’re not even AWARE of any of it). Remember, your space is limited because it’s PRIME property. Make sure to only allot space – in your head, heart and even on your social media – for only those that TRULY deserve it. Our thoughts are ALL we have. They fuel our actions and thus set the bar that the universe meets us at. RAISE your standards, KNOW your limits and IMPLEMENT a revised emotional eviction policy. Not only will those that truly deserve to take residence there feel that much more connected to you, privileged and valued, but YOU will be more valuable and connected to YOURSELF.
HOW TO MESS UP YOUR LIFE & YOUR LUCK: Operate like a walking, living, breathing Instagram quote and “live each day as if it’s your last.”
I don’t want to come across as cynical or critical of that quote because I do think that the meaning behind it is well-intended and beautiful. However, I have found profound meaning in changing it up. If I truly lived each day as though it was my last… I don’t know. I’m not sure how practical (or legal?) that would be. There are things I’d want to do on my last day that just aren’t conducive to any kind of reality other than it LITERALLY being my last day. So what do I do everyday for reals? I live each day as though it’s the last day of everyone who I interact with, especially my loved ones. You will never go wrong by practicing this. Ever. It’s pure, it’s rare… it’s vibrational and karmic gold. Live each day as though it’s THEIR last, not yours.
HOW TO MESS UP YOUR LIFE & YOUR LUCK: Don’t throw away your sh*tty, out-of-date GPS.
Admit it because you know it’s true: the people/person who is occupying the most gnawing, gut-wrenching and addicting space in in your head, heart and soul right now is most likely not worth it. This person doesn’t deserve the mental energy that’s needed to maintain their tenancy (rent free!). So why did I allow these people to stay for so long? Because every time I tried to let go, I had no more GPS. I felt completely lost. And feeling lost was so much scarier than feeling “found,” in my pain and agony. Here’s the thing – you DON’T have to waste the amount of time that I have. It’s totally okay to toss your GPS (that’s proven to be really sh*tty anyway). Your power to let go is INNATE. You’ve had it within you since birth; it’s in your DNA. YES, it is extremely painful to let go, but… you CAN do it. Trust me. Don’t be scared to throw away your GPS and release anyone that is hurting your heart, spirit and soul. Allow yourself to be completely lost. I promise, it’s temporary and it’s the only way to truly find yourself. And once you find yourself, you won’t need anyone to ever rescue you because you’re on your own white horse (that has its own built-in GPS).
HOW TO MESS UP YOUR LIFE & YOUR LUCK: Completely misdiagnose your triggers.
Your triggers are there to remind you of what you need to work on. They’re not up for adoption as “set-in-stone,” fact. Repeat after me: “My triggers are not my truth.” YOU are your truth. YOU are the awareness BEHIND the mechanism. Stop pulling the wool over your eyes in the name of allowing what triggers you to define you. YOU define you, not your triggers.
HOW TO MESS UP YOUR LIFE & YOUR LUCK: Tell everyone your story.
“Never tell all of your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad it’s not them.” While there are the few people in my life (3 to be specific. My Mom is included in this), that I vent to, I think that there’s really something to be said for keeping your cards close, not airing out your dirty laundry and retaining a sense of mystery. It’s under-the-radar cool, classic, ALWAYS in style, less drama and puts no ammunition out into the universe for others to ever use against you. Remember: no one can ever edit/twist/mince what you don’t say. Choose wisely who gets the privilege of you opening up to them. Not everyone needs to know every detail of your story. When you feel the need to tell everyone your story, you rob others of wanting to get to know more. It’s like micro-managing your own relational demise. By telling everyone your story, you emotionally unwrap yourself in the name of trying to extract empathy from others that you can’t give yourself. Make the decision to disable your chances of becoming a sitting duck for emotional blackmail down the road.
HOW TO MESS UP YOUR LIFE & YOUR LUCK: Stay on the gossip train.
I used to engage in gossip all the time. Gossiping is so addictive because for a moment, you have the power in holding the key of information that the person you’re talking to has yet to attain. This gives a false sense of significance and as humans, we will risk our own morals, values and dignity to feel significant. Gossip is also the cheapest form of avoidance. By gossiping about others, you get to avoid taking responsibility for your own emotions and feelings. For a moment in time, you feel this temporary high – a high so intoxicating that you forget about your own insecurities, misery and shortcomings. Gossiping allows us to evade having to deal with our own mess – we create an even messier picture of others around us and immediately feel better, but the mess we put out into the universe always boomerangs right back at us 10-fold. It’s just a temporary pacifier to distract us from our own suffering. I never gossip anymore because: a) It’s a bad look. b) It’s none of my business. c) I get nothing out of it other than having to deal with a very costly emotional hangover. When you gossip, you devalue your own words. Now, I listen and observe. And when other people gossip, I leave. I’m not into it. You get what you tolerate. Tolerate others gossiping and you’ll be the subject of their gossip soon enough.
You are who you hang with. One of my favs, Jim Rohn once said: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Toxicity is contagious. If you can’t keep physical distance, keep emotional distance from these people. Stop investing in their Ponzi scheme and then crying over the fact that you’re emotionally drained/broke. You no longer have the emotional credit to run on.
HOW TO MESS UP YOUR LIFE & YOUR LUCK: Date someone who is emotionally unavailable and/or narcissistic.
If you’re dating someone who makes Peter Pan look like Confucius, someone who can’t connect and/or someone who always makes it about THEIR pain, THEIR struggles, THEIR agenda… run. Be done. Understand that you will never be the exception to their rule; you’ll never get the cat to bark. Run because these people have no empathy and they never will. Run because they have a complete inability to put themselves in your (or anyone else’s) shoes. Run because it’s not about you. Run because you know you deserve better. Be the adult that you needed when you were younger, speak with your actions, RUN and never look back. Your self esteem will thank you in spades.
HOW TO MESS UP YOUR LIFE & YOUR LUCK: Stay in relationsh*ts past their expiration date & maintain friendsh*ts with exes who disrespected and broke you.
The reason we stay in relationsh*ts past their expiration date is the same reason that we try to maintain friendsh*ts with toxic exes: Validation. You DO NOT need outside sources of f*cktard validation to emotionally survive, thrive or function. Staying in relationsh*ts where you feel more alone than if you were physically alone is like refusing to flush the toilet just because the sh*t in it reminds you of your favorite meal. FLUSH. It’s not the filet mignon and soufflé anymore… it’s sh*t (that is not nor will it EVER be useful to you). Staying friends with an ex that disrespected you, broke you and can’t see your value is pointless. The short-term ego boost isn’t worth the long term damage to your dignity and the robbing of your destiny. If you’re going to be friends with an ex, it will happen mutually, respectfully, ORGANICALLY and it won’t feel forced. It needs to happen when you’re over the possibility of what could have been and you’ve accepted what they did and who they are. If you do anything else, you’re basically just doormatting yourself; emotionally bending over in the name of trying to prove that you’re good enough to reclaim your old position in their life. True friendship can’t survive without respect and respect can’t be given if you have none for yourself.
HOW TO MESS UP YOUR LIFE & YOUR LUCK: Teach grown adults the emotional A,B, C’s.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: The second you have to explain to a grown adult why something that was hurtful/disrespectful was indeed hurtful/disrespectful, BE DONE. If you don’t speak with your actions and cut your losses, you’ll start to confuse being needed with being wanted and derive a feeling of significance from inflating the emotional airbag that you’ve become. You’ll by default, become the resident armchair psychologist for emotional infants. It’s not your job to teach grown adults how to communicate, articulate, express themselves and most importantly… love you. ANYONE who, at ANY point made you feel as though you were hard to love, communicate with and commit to… protect your heart and be done. It’s not your job to be a relational preschool teacher for grown adults nor is their emotional bankruptcy your debt to incur.
And lastly, remember this – NOTHING is about you, nothing. What other people do and say to you – good or bad – is a direct reflection of their un-dealt-with trauma, emotional capacity and an attempt to avoid the suffering/insecurities/reality that THEY manifested and were dealing with long before you ever came into the picture.
Disallowing someone the copyright to their own emotional property is like thinking the sun rose because it knew you were awake. Let them own it & accept that the sun will rise independent of you doing so.
Wishing all of my friends in the USA a happy & safe (hopefully long? not for me ) 4th of July weekend!
I’m looking forward to unplugging for a bit on the 4th though 🙂
Tons of ♡ to you all.