Guess what? The quality of your life and your relationships, the level of success you reach and the level to which people are attracted to and interested in connecting with you are ALL dependent on ONE thing: Boundaries.

Boundaries are easy – they’re basically your non-negotiables as far as what you are willing/not willing to put up with. Boundaries teach people how to treat you and are the building blocks of unapologetic confidence and self esteem.

Every time I’ve “adjusted” my boundaries for someone, I’ve always ended up hurt and in hindsight, frustrated that I put up with amateur hour at the expense of my dignity and heart.

Looking back on it all, everything happens for a reason.

I don’t really like telling you guys that “everything happens for a reason.” Why? Because it sounds douchey, obvious and sometimes things happen in life that are so painful, trying to “reason label” them is like adding salt to the most unjust and unfair wound.

Regardless of what it is, don’t ever think that your failures didn’t happen for a reason.

One thing that has always prevented me from being able to propel out of deceit, rejection, failure, judgement and abandonment, is the shame associated with how much time I’ve wasted. Shame will literally freeze you in time. It will prevent you from evolving and extinguish any possibility of relational, personal and professional success.

This morning I re-read the post that I wrote on failure. Looking back on it, it’s amazing to see how every step was so integral.

I was always ashamed because of how much time I thought I had wasted – not only through my failures, but even more so in the aftershocks of them. This kept my anxiety at an all-time high and crippled me into a state of fear-based paralysis. I felt like I had already wasted so much time, there was no other option but to waste more of it and obsess over f*cktards who had no problem wasting it as well.

Now looking back, I’m so grateful for my many failures in the entertainment industry. It built emotional muscle and gave me invaluable knowledge that I’m now using for my own show and video courses. I also now coach many of the celebrities that I aspired for so long to be just like. I’m able to help them on a level that I never would have been able to if I didn’t have first-hand knowledge of the industry. Maybe one day, PMS will turn into a television show and all of the knowledge that I amassed from completely failing at making a movie will come to fruition.

Who knows?

What I do know: Everything happens for a reason.

Now let’s get back to you…

Good or bad – everything that you are experiencing right now in your life is a direct result of 2 things:

  1. Decisions that you’ve made based on what you have chosen to TOLERATE.
  2. Allowing those tolerations to define your BOUNDARIES.

And because your decisions are based upon the level at which you’ve chosen to tolerate, your tolerations are always in direct correlation with the quality and/or presence of your boundaries.

Boundaries are so powerful because they literally shape your life. Without clear-cut boundaries, you will always allow the decisions and actions of other people to fog your vision, cater to your fears and subject you to the role of “doormat #1” in YOUR life story.

It’s time to reclaim your starring role. Doormats are boring to watch.

Here are 11 core boundaries that will change your life right now.

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The no contact rule is something that we’re all familiar with post-breakup. I hate referring to it as a “rule,” because it just adds to this stigma of feeling more like a formulaic prison sentence that has to be applied for some desired “result,” rather than what it truly is:

Something that anyone with a shred of dignity, emotional backbone, confidence, self-awareness and self-love would naturally do.

The no contact rule is about making the decision to fold in light of having your own back; in spite of your libido, head and heart being in a state of trigger. Your triggers will fear-monger you into believing that the person you’re in no contact with is the sole supplier of your emotional oxygen. They’re not.

Cutting contact allows you to create your own closure on your own terms so that you can heal, deal, regain power and control over your emotions. It allows you to process your feelings and ultimately decide how you want to proceed.

This isn’t about some “30/60/90-day plan,” or a certain formula. And it should never be about eliciting a reaction or being immature, hurtful, spiteful or mean.

The no contact rule is about choosing to fold in light of how someone has unfolded. It’s waving the ultimate white flag to all of their red ones.

It’s the best “one-that-got-away,”  white horse Jedi move you can ever make. You are gracefully accepting through your actions that this person cannot give you what you want and deserve – whether that be honesty, respect, consistency, commitment, etc.

And as great as it all sounds – whether you’re the one implementing no contact or you’re on the receiving end of it – the no contact rule can also break your heart and mind f*ck you MORE than your actual breakup.

In the past, going no contact after a breakup made me obsess over and question everything to the point of emotional suicide. It was a nonstop tug-of-war. I exhausted everyone around me with a set of ears. And when I had nowhere to turn, I’d always humiliatingly return to the relationsh*t graveyard at the expense of my dignity.

Nowadays, if I make the decision to cut contact with someone, I never feel bad about it because they handed me the scissors. I no longer base my worth on someone handing me scissors. That’s on them. What am I supposed to do with scissors? Put them in my pocket and risk further injury? Scissors are meant to cut – not to put in your pocket so you have a license to feel sorry for yourself or throw back in an attempt to cause pain. View people’s heartbreaking & disrespectful behavior as the gift that it is and always will be: Scissors to cut yourself OUT of their bullsh*t.

But still…

Whether it’s with an ex, a friend or a family member, being in no contact can provide a really fertile ground for you to act upon the normal fears and anxieties associated with cutting someone off who in many cases, you still see a future with.

  • You want your ex to know how much he’s hurt you.
  • You want him to feel enough genuine remorse that he owns up to what he really did and apologizes.
  • You want him to realize what he’s lost.
  • You want him to take accountability so that you can be friends again and possibly, eventually go back to the way it was.
  • You want to know that he hasn’t forgotten about you.
  • You need affirmation that you aren’t as discardable as his actions/inactions and deceit have made you feel.
  • You don’t want to come across as immature or mean for implementing the no contact rule.
  • You want to know what to do because you’re in no contact and omg… HE JUST TEXED YOU.

You want to know if you’re really even doing the right thing by implementing the no contact rule. 

So many wants and what ifs.

It’s time to simplify.

Here’s what you need to know that will make the no contact rule 1000 times easier and more effective…

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I’m sure you’ve come down with a case of Grass Is Greener Syndrome before. I know I have.

At one point or another, we’ve all found ourselves mentally “what if-ing” our way out of our current status/situation/state of being – whether it be with work, school, friends, our looks, personality, health… whatever it may be.

Up to the point of it affecting your emotional well-being, a lot of it is just basic human nature; fleeting, and totally normal.

But what about when it shows up in the one area of your life that you’ll never be able to emotionally afford its presence?

Your relationship.

One of the most devastating relationsh*ts to be in is with a partner who has Grass Is Greener Syndrome.

Every source I found on the internet defines Grass Is Greener Syndrome as (I’m summing it up in my own words here):

Phenomena generally exhibited by people in their teens-30’s, in which they believe that what they currently have is no longer adequate, satisfying, ample or “enough.” Because of this, doubt creeps in and the belief that better is indeed “out there,” is adopted and acted upon. This is generally followed by a complete lack of regard for the emotional casualties upon exit – whether that exit is literal, physical or emotional.

Here’s my definition:

“The inability to emotionally and/or physically commit due to underlying and un-dealt with insecurities.” Period. Plain and simple.

Grass Is Greener Syndrome is so.much.more about an absence of commitment than it is about a lack of relational fulfillment.

Having Grass Is Greener Syndrome is also…

  1. An indicator that you’re playing in emotional little league. You need assistance in the form of finding “a perfect 10/better than what you currently have,” to be your training wheels and induct you into the majors. Why? You can’t do so on your own. If you could, you’d commit – to being single, in a relationship, being honest, forthcoming, working on yourself, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, etc.
  2. Emotional S&M that’s exclusively self-inflicted; elective mind f*cking.
  3. A symptom of emotional unavailability and narcissism that does not discriminate against age, gender or orientation.
  4. On a subconscious level, for Grass Is Greener Syndrome to take place in a romantic relationship, one must be a walking contradiction who values control over everything and is painfully insecure. They believe that if they fully commit to one person, they could be missing out on attracting someone who would be a better emotional, financial, psychological and/or superficial beard. Although they’d never admit it, the “greener grass,” would thus legitimize them in some way while invalidating their inadequacies, shutting haters down and extinguishing any further “curiosity” of greener grass.
  5. Because they are so insecure, people who suffer from Grass Is Greener Syndrome are also professional lily padders. They have to be on one lily pad (relationship) to jump to the next. They use their relationsh*ts as insurance policies. This is why Grass Is Greener Syndrome is not just associated with breakups.

Is there a way to hack Grass Is Greener Syndrome?

Yes.

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Whether it was in my romantic relationships, friendships, school or business, I used to have a very interesting relationship with failure. I thought that because I had failed so many times and experienced the consequences, cost and horrible feelings associated with it, I was deserving of success. I figured that this was the secret; that my failures were just a form of “paying my dues.” The universe was merely priming me for proving everyone wrong in a massive way.

Success, happiness, confidence, wealth and power were always just around the corner.

And to me, it all made sense. I had gone through so much and collected so many failure tokens, a Purple Heart in the name of being powerful and achieving success was, to me, an assumption that was beyond reasonable at this point. The only thing that ever got me through it all was this belief that something massively better had to happen. Why? Because I had endured.

“Endurance” soon became a fancy term for falling victim to the horrible feelings associated with my relational, professional and scholastic failures. 

Who doesn’t like hearing a story about the underdog winning, the ultimate victim turned victor, etc.?

The problem is, I think that today we’ve become addicted to sharing our failures as more of an emotional mastrabatory contrast to acquired successes, than as a tool to establish credentials on how to overcome it and reclaim power.

One of my favorite writers and innovators, James Altucher writes, “Lately, we’ve been living in the Golden Age of Failure Porn.  Everyone wants to share their story. Everyone wants to ‘fail forward’.”

I don’t need to share my entire story to uncover the secret of overcoming failure and reclaiming power, but I will share some of my credentials.

Here’s the secret (that I’ve learned the hard way), about failure:

Failure of any kind is not a right of passage, a badge of honor, nor is it a precursor to success or anything good. It sucks. It’s the worst thing ever. It makes you feel sick, powerless, worthless, hopeless and suicidal – emotionally, spiritually and in some cases, physically. There’s nothing glamorous about it and it will never be a sign of anything better around the bend.

The Secret: Failure is not a “symptom” of success. It’s a failure. Period.

Failure and powerlessness go hand in hand. As the volume of my failures and suffering increased, the level of power I felt that I had, exponentially decreased.

Because of this, I dated powerful men and racked up celebrity friends in hope that I would be viewed as powerful by association. It never worked. I was only viewed at best, as a doormat; a people pleasing sheep in a game of follow the follower.

Today, I have a lot of celebrity clients and yes, I’m still attracted to powerful men and powerful people in general but there’s a difference…

I’m attracted to people who are available, vulnerable, honest, empathetic and unapologetic in their ambition. To me, that’s powerful. This has nothing to do with money in the bank, I could care less. Money comes and goes. I’m just no longer attracted to people who abuse their power – whether it be relationally, emotionally, financially, psychologically or in business.

How?

I no longer abuse my innate power/instinct by allowing it to get suppressed by those who feel just as powerless. You will always attract what you exude.

So, in light of sharing the secret to overcoming failure and reclaiming your power, I’ll establish a few of my credentials.

A lot of my family and friends don’t even know most of this…

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