“How to overcome social anxiety,” is something that I never thought I’d be able to answer, let alone conquer. Up until a few years ago, I had been dealing with crippling, humiliating and cringe-worthy social anxiety on a daily basis. I had become a punching bag; the self imposed sacrificial lamb of every social interaction. I was a nervous wreck and consistently inconsistent because I couldn’t keep up with the lies I had told, just to elevate my coolness and mask the utter uncool that my truth had become. I didn’t stand for anything because I had acquiesced to a lifetime subscription of the “trying but always failing,” self sabotage and attracting relationships, circumstances and situations that catered to the my fears.

Have you ever watched someone dance at a wedding and they’re so incredibly bad, you can’t even enjoy having a laugh as they gyrate around like a banshee in heat because you’re too embarrassed just WATCHING them? It literally hurts to watch it all go down. That person recreating some sort of asexual, “I-just-walked-into-a-spider-web” gyration around the dance floor, pretending to come across like they’re an extra in a Drake video but looking like they’re going through some kind of convulsatory “don’t-ever-have-sex-with-me” fit, was ME.

The only difference was that the dance floor was my everyday life.

To make matters worse, this was pre laser hair removal and I looked like an ape with braces who couldn’t fill out a training bra (still can’t). I hated the way I looked, but I also subconsciously convinced myself that I was decent enough to go after men and friends that always ended up highlighting the very attributes I tried to conceal with all my might.

I’d always hash and rehash every conversation, interaction, occasion and relationship I had. As I grew up and inevitably accumulated more abandonments, rejections, friendsh*ts, relationsh*ts and breakups (as we ALL do), it only got worse. Whenever I’d approach any social situation, I would start sweating profusely.

As if my mind wasn’t f*cking me hard enough, my body had to now chime in as well.

Years passed and it must have started to effect me on a hormonal level because my skin would get hot, red, and breakout – all while my armpits morphed into faucets and I tried to keep it all together. I would sweat if I was standing in the snow. It got so bad, I wouldn’t wear certain colors because of my sweating problem. I had no idea how to overcome social anxiety – anxiety that had now taken over my life.

Whenever I knew a certain social situation/event was approaching, I would disproportionately value the event and overly “prepare” every day leading up to it so I could really, this time, WOW everyone and prove them (& my low self esteem self), “wrong.” I would ultimately always FAIL/disappoint/breakout into a beard of zits the morning of, etc. I then began to rely on having to have a few drinks just to feel like I could carry a conversation with someone.

This ended up robbing me of ever having relationships with emotional intimacy because I was always “auditioning,” and never listening – to my gut or the other person.

Then one day, I got so sick of the bullsh*t that I decided enough was enough. I couldn’t take it any longer. I needed to know how to overcome social anxiety. It was stupid and it wasn’t good for my well being. I decided right then and there that I was done. Something needed to change, I just didn’t know what.

Today, I thankfully don’t need a drop of alcohol, 167351 deodorants in my purse, or any kind of pep talk to enter whatever social situation life throws at me. HOW?

Here’s what you need to know about how to overcome social anxiety:

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I’ve written about people pleasing before, but I mostly went into what people pleasing means and how to know if you’ve got the disease to please. Now, I want to talk about how to get out of the sh*t when you’ve gotten to a point where the pain of continuing to engage in people pleasing is beginning to outweigh the need to be liked, validated, loved & accepted. I used to be so deep in the people pleasing, I didn’t have an identity. My identity became “what everyone else wanted to do/think/plan/be.” I couldn’t be myself because I hated who I was. I was never able to build trust with myself because I could never make any kind of executive decision about MY OWN life, or have a say in anything. I’d be doing or saying something and as I was doing/saying it, I remember thinking to myself “wtf am I doing here? I don’t even WANT to be doing/saying this!” The level of self betrayal became so high, I robbed myself of any strength and belief I had left and thus became extremely dependent on people pleasing and being “good enough” for others because I could never please nor be good enough for myself.

“I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.”

– Ed Sheeran

Why do we even engage in people pleasing? People pleasing boils down to feeling like you’re never enough. And whether you want to admit it or not, because you feel like you’re not good enough, you overcompensate through your “please-tell-me-how-high-to-jump,” actions, & subsequently attract relationsh*ts that require the door matting of yourself and pedestal building others. You continue to drink the low self esteem, “I-should-feel-guilty-for-having-a-voice-speaking-up-and-recognizing-myself-in-a-healthy-manner” Kool Aid (which childhood, school & society all dutifully contributed to). You then begin to believe that your opinions, wants, needs and voice do not matter and never will. You’d rather be LIKED and be passively abused/abandoned/deceived/under-appreciated over time, than have a backbone and potentially be rejected right then and there. People pleasing makes you a PRIME candidate for emotionally unavailable relationsh*ts, narcissistic partners and friendsh*ts. It also pigeon holes you into continuing to seek validation from your parents or a significant person in your past that withheld acceptance, was un-pleaseable and gave you conditional love when you needed it most – as a child.

Here are 5 steps to say goodbye to the bullsh*t, kick the people pleasing habit for good and stop being a doormat so you can start LIVING:

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Just like emotional unavailability and narcissism, once you understand what passive aggressive behavior means, how to spot it, how to identify it within yourself and how to go on a permanent passive aggressive diet, it’s a total game changer. Your life gets easier, you put an end to the bs, an end to the pain and everything just starts to make so.much.SENSE.

Does any of this sound familiar?…

Are you dating someone that makes you feel better than you’ve ever felt one minute and then somehow, gets you to feel more heartbroken, angry, psychotic, jealous and guilty than ever before?

Are you friends with or do you work with someone who’s totally accommodating and kind, making you feel like you’re “in” one minute and then the next minute, withdrawals and turns icy while making you feel bad for doing some unknown thing that must have made them recoil?

Do you know anyone that has to continually take your loyalty temperature all in the name of “I’m looking for something serious?” It’s like they put you through a series of never ending “tests” to see what they can get away with, all while appearing to give a f*ck and passively disintegrating your boundaries & self esteem?

Do you have any family members that say they’re fine with something, but then make you feel guilty for doing the very thing that they were supposedly totally fine with?

Do you know anyone that consistently gives you back-handed compliments?

Ever had a friend that out of the blue ignores you until you ask them if you did something wrong?

Do you feel like you’re dating a score keeper? Everything is counted. Tit for tat.

Have you ever tried to express yourself to someone and they answer with a “are you kidding me?” “you’re crazy to think that!” “wtf is wrong with you?” or they accuse you of insecurity that they have passively contributed to over time?

Do you know anyone that has to announce that they’re doing a good deed for you (whether it be on social media or in person), with the sole intention of making you feel incapable, less than and inferior?

Do you know anyone that TALKS like they are deeply invested and care, but behaves like they’re too distracted to ACT according to their words?

Are you dating someone that says all the right things but consistently stalls, postpones their promises and shuts down the conversation whenever it becomes too emotional? Do they make you feel like you’re being too needy (even though you’re asking for basics like honesty and respect)?

Have you ever been that person? I can definitely answer “yes” to everything. If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you’re most likely dealing with a passive aggressive person or you’re exhibiting signs of passive aggressive behavior yourself.

So what really is passive aggressive behavior?

Are YOU passive aggressive? Is HE?

And if so, how do you deal with the black belt of all mind f*ckeries so you can stop obsessing and start living?

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Whether it was when I recently got ghosted by a girlfriend, or when I got fired from my first job, or when someone very close to me passed away before I got to say goodbye, or when a family member said something hurtful and then years later when I brought it up, “forgot,” or when I found something suspect on my boyfriend’s phone but couldn’t bring it up/get answers, or when I went through a breakup with who I thought was going to be my Happily Ever After… Figuring out how to get closure when there is such a gross LACK of it and such an abundance of cricket noise, has always been really tough majorly IMPOSSIBLE for me.

How can you really move on, feel at peace, forgive others, forgive yourself and let go when there’s no real closure and you have no idea how to get closure?

Easy! YOU CAN’T.

Save yourself the future embarrassment, psycho labeling, FBI-OCD-must-get-closure-now stalking, searching, pain, guilt, self blame & mind f*cking madness – I’m going to break down why you want closure, the effects of not getting closure and how to get closure when you have none in 15 super simple, straight forward steps.
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“How to turn your life around when you feel hopeless,” is something that I’ve Google’d so many times, if I had a dollar for every time I searched for the answer, I’d be writing to you from Monaco right now while being manicured, feather fanned and hand fed tater tots.

All joking aside, what I’m writing about today isn’t something that I take lightly; it’s something that I’ve debated sharing because it’s so personal and because there is a part of me that still fears judgement and feels guilty for even having the thoughts that I’ve had.

There are so many people who are suffering in this world, but no matter what the situation or who the person is, pain is pain and we are all entitled to feeling our pain without having to simultaneously carry the burden of unnecessary guilt for being human and having our own unique experiences and reactions. 

Pain is our common denominator and our universal language because just like death, it’s something that none of us will ever be able to override, escape or avoid, no matter what.

There’s always going to be someone that is better off and worse off, just like there’s always going to be judgement that isn’t productive. Negative judgement (of yourself/others) and evolution cannot coexist.

I choose to evolve. I know you do too or you wouldn’t be reading this right now.

So, with that intention, I want to share with you how to turn your life around when you feel irreparably damaged and like all hope is lost. 

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I’ll never forget how awesome it felt to learn what emotionally unavailable meant. Everything suddenly clicked and started to make perfect sense. After years of unsuccessful, same-result-different-guy dating, I had FINALLY figured out what the reason was: emotionally unavailable men. All I had to do was stop dating emotionally unavailable guys and my Happily Ever After would appear. Easy. Right? Not so much. Despite my newfound awareness, I STILL wound up with, obsessed over, and people pleased the f*ck out of emotionally unavailable boyfriends, friends, coworkers, classmates and family members. Eventually, misery began to outweigh my delusion and the victim card I had always so dutifully relied on stopped making me feel as innocent of a bystander as it used to. In all of these relationsh*ts, the only common denominator was yes, emotionally unavailable partners, but it was also the one thing that I avoided with all my might… ME. “Am I emotionally unavailable?” I thought. There’s no way! I wanted to be in a relationship. I was ready! I wasn’t scared to commit. If anything, I came on TOO strong. All I wanted was that “in a relationship” status. All I did was cry. I BLED emotions. There was no way.

There actually was a way.

Because we will always engage in relationships that reflect the relationship we have with ourselves and because we always attract what we exude, I had no choice but to look into the “am I emotionally unavailable?” question.

The people we’re attracted to give us invaluable insight as to what we exude because what our brain translates as “compatible-all-systems-go-must-ovulate-now,” is ALWAYS a reflection of our true emotional state. Mine was unavailability.

If you’re not asking yourself “am I emotionally unavailable?” you have no business wondering if anyone else is.

Here’s how to tell if you’re emotionally unavailable & how to fix it so you can change your life, your luck and start calling your own shots. (as opposed to your sanity being dependent upon a text back, a “like,” a viewed snap story or a “comment.” no thx)

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In previous posts, I’ve talked about what narcissism is, signs that indicate you’re dealing with a narcissist and if there’s truly a difference between emotionally unavailables and narcissists. I’ve even talked about my own narcissism, which I still struggle with at times a lot lately. So why am I even taking the time to write about dating a narcissist and what you need to know?

Because dating a narcissist makes you feel on top of the world at times but also makes you feel so f*cking crazy, you start to question reality. Because loving and dating a narcissist is as impossible as preventing the sun from setting and because once you truly make the connection and gain the understanding, the amount of bullsh*t in your life decreases to the point of never before experienced happiness, peace and self-validating confidence that no one can ever rob you of.

I’m going to keep this simple because it IS simple – 3 lists. That’s it. 

Here’s what you need to know about dating a narcissist:

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Dr. Jason B Diamond

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Hi guys! As many of you have seen on my Instagram, a few weeks ago I went in to see Dr. Diamond with my soul sister, The Browgal. I don’t know if it’s something in the air, but Tonya and I had both been experiencing major anxiety and stress that has since been dealt with, but that the effects of left our skin, well… DULL.

Tonya and I are at different ages and stages in our lives, so our individual needs and concerns are slightly different, but we both agreed that we needed a pick me up. As you guys know, I’m not one to ever shy away from anything when it comes to sharing WHATEVER I come across that I feel may contribute to looking, feeling and operating at your absolute best. That’s what Post Male Syndrome is all about.

I’ve known Dr. Jason Diamond and have been a patient, going to him for TMJ treatments and minor skin treatments, for over 10 years. Beside being consistently consistent and amazing at what he does, I’ve watched Dr. Diamond’s practice go from a single office in West Hollywood, to having a penthouse office in the heart of Beverly Hills, as well as offices in Manhattan, Dubai and Moscow. His practice, the time that he spends with every patient and the level of attention, expertise, care and REALNESS is what truly sets him apart. And it has clearly reflected in his notoriety and success.

If he looks familiar, it’s because he is. Dr. Diamond was the original “Dr. 90210” on the E! Network and has been featured on countless television shows and publications. You can now catch him on the Netflix hit show, “The Celebrity Plastic Surgeons of Beverly Hills.”

Bottom line: I’ve never seen my best friend happier and this is the first time ever for me that “the time of the month,” (where I would normally breakout into a literal beard of zits), has come and gone… with no zits. Just SMOOTH skin minus the gross hyper pigmentation. Any redness and discoloration that I had is either gone or has seriously faded to the point of #nofilter 🙂  WAIT until you see my before and after photos at the end of this post. 

Like I said: top-notch. Dr. Diamond knows all the secrets.

And I totally can confirm this because I interviewed him after Tonya’s procedure and before my IPL photo facial. Trust me guys, this is good.

I was interested to know how heartbreak, low self esteem, betrayal and grief effect the face and what can be done to prevent and/or combat those effects as far as NON-SURGICAL cosmetic procedures go.

What do you specialize in and what‘s the most common procedure that you perform? 

I specialize in facial plastic surgery. 99.9% of what I do is cosmetic .01% is reconstructive which includes car crashes, cancers and deformities. The most common procedures that I perform are rhinoplasties (nose jobs), revision rhinoplasties, facelifts, aging face surgery such as brow lifts, eye lids and fat grafting. One of my special interests is customized facial implants, which only a few doctors in the world do. The bread and butter of what I do is cosmetic surgery of the face and neck as well as non-surgical cosmetic procedures, which I’m excited to discuss with you.

I see this a lot with the Kardashians, Victoria’s Secret angels and celebrities – What exactly makes facial skin have that shiny, but in the most dewy-glowing-JLo-perfection- “light from within” look, that I go to Sephora and buy highlighter to try to emulate?

There are a lot of ways to make the skin look more healthy, dewy, glowing and glistening. There’s a combination of technologies that are of course dependent on the person’s anatomy and skin type, but the most popular is the IPL photofacial.

That’s what you’re about to do on me! What exactly is IPL photofacial? 

IPL stands for Intense Photo Light. It gives the skin an airbrushed look.

So it’s basically like Facetune or an Instagram filter, but in real life?

Exactly. That’s a good way to describe it. It’s minimally invasive and there’s little to no downtime. It’s like a laser but not technically a laser. A bright light is flashed onto the skin and that stimulates the deeper skin layers to eliminate redness, hyper pigmentation and discoloration. It also softens the skin’s texture and tone while shrinking the pores. This is the most common and popular treatment as far as getting the skin to look like you’re wearing makeup without having to. The great thing about it is that you get noticeable results and there is very little discomfort and downtime.

Are there any other non-surgical cosmetic procedures that your celebrity clients get that you can share?

I do the Dermaroller which has been termed the “Vampire” facial. Kim Kardashian went public with it. I do that all the time and the results are beautiful.

What exactly does it involve?

It’s an amazing procedure. It involves drawing your blood and then we treat your blood to take the best layers out, including the proteins, the platelets and the adult stem cells, all the best parts, and then we inject that back into the skin.

I’m having a minor heart attack. 

Not only do we inject it back into the skin, but we lay it on top of the skin and then we use a roller composed of very small needles to roll it in topically so that the superficial layers of the skin are treated as well.

Vampire Facial

(source: Instagram) 

What are the results?

It’s not only good for your skin, it’s one of the most powerful ways to make the skin look youthful, alive, fresh and have that “light from within” look that you were talking about. Next to the IPL photofacial, this is the most popular of the non-surgical cosmetic procedures as far as skin treatments go; it’s highly effective. There’s a wide variety of non-surgical cosmetic procedures that we do here at the office to treat the skin. It just depends on me assessing each individual person and their needs.

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“Is he emotionally available? & if so, how do I know for sure?”

This is a question I get asked a lot and one that I’ve struggled with for years because I kept complicating a natural detection process that was stupid simple. I kept getting in my own way, going over speed bumps at 100mph, and wondering why my suspension was f*cked and I couldn’t stand on both emotional feet.

Once I figured out how to spot an emotionally available guy before oxytocin, ovulation, “I’m-going-to-be-special-enough-for-him-to-change,” and “be-my-baby-daddy,” kicked in, I was able save myself time, tears and obliterated self esteem. I was also able to contribute to my own confidence and ultimately become my own emotional gatekeeper (I’ll talk about my own emotional unavailability in another post this week), because remember – like always attracts like.

I know I talk a lot about emotional unavailability here on PMS – how to spot it and how to understand it – but what about how to tell if he’s emotionally available? And not just the guy you’re with… How about being able to spot emotional availability in friends, coworkers and family members?

Just like with empathy, being emotionally available is the ultimate game changer because if you’re with a guy that’s at best emotionally constipated and at worst, emotionally bankrupt, you’re in “SOS-abort-mission-now,” relationsh*t territory.

Being emotionally available, having empathy and being in a genuine, healthy and mutual relationship all go hand in hand. You can’t have a fully functioning, healthy relationship without BOTH partners being empathetically present & emotionally available, just like you can’t have a beating heart without blood pumping through it.

Sometimes when we begin to learn about emotional unavailability, we get so caught up in spotting the emotionally unavailables that we forget how to spot the people that actually HAVE their emotional sh*t together. 

& the great thing about being able to detect whether someone is emotionally available or unavailable is that once you truly know, it’s the ultimate liberation – You stop feeling crazy, you stop feeling insecure and you no longer tie your reverse narcissistic value to someone being and doing something that was and is completely independent of you and your worth. You let go of expectations and you put an end to the perpetual disappointment.

“Is he emotionally AVAILABLE?”

Here’s how to know for sure… 

{like I said, it’s stupid simple}

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“My boyfriend has a weird relationship with a family member.” This is an easy one to recognize because it eventually gets to a point where the creep factor and the alarm that your gut sounds off becomes too loud to ignore.

Although a weird relationship with a family member is as easy to identify as a pink elephant in a room, it’s tough to acknowledge, especially when everything else is going so well. You try to convince yourself it’s a good thing; that he’s either “such a family man,” because of how close he is to his mom, sister, etc. Or, if he has a hateful/dysfunctional relationship with a family member, you tell yourself how great it is that he’s able to have “boundaries,” despite a familial connection.

The bs eventually and inevitably becomes too hard to ignore and you find yourself more and more creeped out, frustrated and in a state of perpetual competition with the one thing you’ll never be able to compete with  – FAMILY. 

I’ve been in relationships where I’ve been happy, but eventually had to make the inescapable acknowledgement time and time again that:

“My boyfriend and his Mother are too close. Why is he telling her personal details about me/our relationship? His mother shouldn’t know that I’m on my period. Why does he have to run everything by her? How come he’s capable of emotional intimacy with her and not with me? Why do I feel threatened?”

“My boyfriend and his sister are too close. Why does she always get in our business and why does she seem almost jealous and sabotagingly spiteful/competitive? Does SHE want to sleep with her brother? Wtf is this?” 

“My boyfriend hates his Mother and subsequently doesn’t have a relationship with her. Why? How?” 

“My boyfriend doesn’t speak with or have a relationship with his sister. Why?” 

Here’s what to do if “my boyfriend has a weird relationship with a family member,” is or ever was in your looming vocabulary:

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