Guys – you are either going to need to read (and re-read) this post for yourself or feel like you need to send it to someone immediately after reading it or both. It’s THAT good. What do you do when you lose the complete opposite of a f*cktard? How do you deal with the loss of someone incredible? You’ll get insight whether you were the one on the receiving or losing end. This is a topic that hits so painfully close to home for me – being on receiving end of the limitations of someone’s emotional range, as well as the past limitations of my own. And not just in regard to romantic relationships. This post helped me come to better terms with not making the time to see a loved one before she died (I’ve written about the crippling guilt associated with this particular story a few times before). Today, I have the honor of reintroducing a very special guest post written by my dear friend Lorelle, who was kind enough to take over PMS while I’m busy working on my new website for you all. Her 2 previous guest posts can be found here and here. Lorelle, take it away…

Love can truly be a double-edged sword. It can make us feel so uniquely connected to the world and fill our hearts so they are overflowing. It can also slash our hearts to shreds, leaving painful emotion seeping out for a long time to come.

And one of the most painful places to be in is the one where you feel regret, guilt, and pain for losing someone you see as too much of a loss to recover from. The one who was there for you, loved you, and did the ‘thick and thin’ thing because they believed in you. But now they are gone.

The. One. That. Got. Away.

This realization can take some time to surface. There is pain on both sides when a breakup occurs. A time of healing. A time when moving on begins and life slowly becomes happier. The pain subsides, and you reflect on the lessons you learned and seek new love.

There are also times when this doesn’t happen. Where you find yourself thinking of someone every day.  You feel heavy with guilt, and regret lives in your gut. It is often at this point you question yourself, and think that this person you lost, has left a hole in your life that can never be filled.

As you begin to emotionally process your role in the breakup, you slowly come to the painful realization that you self-sabotaged yourself and this relationship.

The first step is to ask yourself “WHY?”

Did you not feel good enough/worthy of this person and because of that, did you feel insecure and do things to sabotage your relationship?

Did being intimate scare you and make you push them away?

Were you afraid of having to step up?

Were you wanting to commit but at the time not feeling ready to give up/compromise your freedom or the lifestyle you had?

Were you living a lie in some way?

Half in/half out of another relationship they didn’t know about?

Did you cheat on them?

Did you lie?

Or, was it circumstantial?

Was distance a key issue?

Was it about money – did you make more or did they make less? Did this make you feel threatened, unworthy, or guilty?

Career choices and opportunities?

How and why we self-sabotage – the reasons are endless. The whole sabotage thing is a red flag that we are not in tune with ourselves and our needs. It a sign we are disconnected with who we are and where we are going in life right now. It also highlights our fears, insecurities, and inability to be honest – with both ourselves and others.

When this moment is related to screwing up our relationship with another, we often can’t see what we have also done to ourselves, because we are so focused on the other person. Losing them is all we can think of and we fail to see that we have also lost ourselves.

Life is tinted in winter hues and life is not moving on.  Even in a state of no contact for months, perhaps over a year… sometimes your connection to a person who was emotionally available, good to you and loved you, just won’t fade away. Attempts to begin dating again, to be in a new relationship, still leave you finding yourself unable to disconnect.

The feeling of wanting them and missing them fills each day.  The love you still hold for them doesn’t dwindle. The guilt you feel for hurting this special person holds tight. When you think of them, your heart strings pull because you remember just how pure their intent was. How they were always so consistent, so steady and so effortlessly able to be themselves. Always there for you. No drama. No one else can measure up to those qualities. WTF happened?

You may even dislike yourself at times because you know it was YOU that caused the split and you are responsible for causing pain to someone you really value and cannot move on from.

After much soul-searching, you come back to the same realization, that the issue was totally YOU and your emotional punching bag was the one you lost.

The one who deserved so much more than the crap you gave them. The one who even in the darkest of times, wanted you enough to put up with it all, until they finally said “enough.”

How do you reconcile with someone if you are in this place?

Can it even be done?

Stop for a minute though and refocus on this instead:

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“I see a dermatologist in LA, called Dr. Harold Lancer, who is incredible. I’ve known him for years – he sorted my skin out… I used to have really problematic skin” – Victoria Beckham 

via The Edit

I’ve done some major interviews and giveaways before, but I have never been as excited about an interview or a giveaway as I am right now. Not only is my dermatologist, Dr. Lancer here on PMS, but he’s answering questions about my FAVORITE PRODUCT OF ALL TIME, my OG. This is the holy grail game changer – the one product that I can’t go without and haven’t gone without using everyday, morning and night, for over 4 years.

I owe my skin to Dr. Lancer. Years ago, he was the only person who diagnosed my “acne” as an allergic reaction. Because of this, I found out that I had Celiac Disease. I completely changed my diet, lifestyle, and took all of his recommendations which are in his incredible book. My skin has kept getting better with age as a result.

Dr. Lancer is one of the most sought after skin specialists, not only here in Los Angeles but around the world. Just ask Victoria Beckham, Oprah, Beyonce, Kris Jenner, and Kim Kardashian who swear by his products and trust his approach.

What I appreciate the most about Dr. Lancer is his philosophy on skincare:

“20 years ago, I had an epiphany that became the vision for how I practice dermatology today – my focus is on restoration, not alteration. I believe that the secret to beautiful skin has nothing to do with an artfully wielded laser, an injection or cosmetic surgery. Glowing, healthy skin cannot be attributed solely to magic creams or even the gift of good genes. Genetic fortune can only take you so far. The secret to an extraordinary complexion is your commitment to caring for your skin and health.”

Dr. Lancer has made himself just as accessible to everyone as he is his clients through his book and products. In his book, Dr. Lancer not only breaks down the skincare system he created, he discusses so.many.other things that I never knew influenced skin health and aging. He also provides (this is so good), his own drugstore picks/favorite products. It’s a vast wealth of knowledge from years of practice that, if followed, will turn the state of your skin around in DAYS.

ANYWAY – if you’ve been following me and PMS through the years, you know that from day 1, I haven’t been able to stop expressing just how much his Intensive Night Treatment healed my skin, got it to a point I never thought it would be at in this lifetime, and that it’s the one product I truly can’t go without.

When I was broke a few years ago. I would go to every department store I could just to get samples of this stuff. I would get so excited when no one was at the counter and I could make my own sample (or 4). That didn’t really work or last too long, so I finally decided to save up my money and buy it.

By purchasing it, I actually ended up saving more money and I’ll tell you how. The Intensive Night Treatment serves as many things for me:

  • A makeup primer, serum, eye creme, night creme, day creme, and it even calms down hormonal acne when that flares up.
  • A little goes a VERY long way (especially if you refrigerate it).
  • I also started to notice that I was saving money on makeup – I didn’t need such heavy foundations and 3 different types of concealers for 4 different types of zits with undertones that varied in color.

This product has changed the life of my skin, regenerated my emotional body (I used to be very depressed, insecure, and avoidant because of my problematic skin), and has motivated me to meet its effectiveness half-way through a healthy diet and lifestyle.

Q&A (+ A Giveaway) With Dermatologist To The Stars, Dr. Lancer

Source: Instagram

Dr. Lancer’s staff all know how obsessed I am with this creme. I am so happy to have him here on PMS and get to ask him more about it. Continue Reading

Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot about how to “live your best life.” It’s everywhere right now. #livingmybestlife and #bestlife are popular hashtags on social media. I’m listening to “Best Life,” as I type this by the pool.

So what does it really mean to live your best life?

And how do you go about even knowing how to live your best life?

I never write from any kind of an “I-am-your-guru,” psychological high horse. I write to help people out of pain, insecurity, and suffering that I have gone through and still go through. I write to navigate men and women away from the magnetic pull of f*cktards and the bs/darkness associated with it all. I write with the hope of affirmation that I’m not alone.

I also write to remember and solidify my own advice.

Sometimes when I write a longer post (like the last one), it allows me to come to very simple realizations/answers to issues that thrive on complication. The complication of these issues perpetuate mediocrity to such an extent, we become reduced to thinking that “live your best life,” means proving haters wrong, getting a certain number of likes/comments, making him/her burn in regret, living a life based more on impressing others than impressing ourselves, and being “good enough,” for a pig to turn into a puppy.

As far as knowing how to live your best life, I’ve come to a very simple realization that I know works.

How am I so sure?

  • It has transformed and attracted mutuality, value, and quality in my professional, personal, romantic, and familial relationships that I never thought was possible.
  • It has allowed me to go from being labeled as “too sensitive” and “too much,” to me being my own white horse, rider, and ride.
  • It has allowed others to recognize that I have limits and standards without me having to verbalize or write them out in smoke signals.
  • It has allowed me to actually STICK to those limits and standards with a complete absence of guilt for implementing them.
  • It has allowed me to define my own identity instead of adopting a personal identity of reluctant f*cktard creation.

And most significant of all – It has built the most unshakeable, unf*ckwithable confidence, self-love, and self-respect. 

The worst advice I have ever got in my life: “Natasha, it’s not  that simple.” I think that it really IS that simple. Our fears and insecurities are prone to complication creation so that we don’t have to do the scariest thing: accept, adjust/implement boundaries, and take action in our own lives.

Looking back – Every moment that I spent investigating if the weeds in my life would turn into a rose garden, came at the expense of my ability to recognize my own roses. I then weed-labeled myself and as much as I claimed to want a fellow rose… ALL I attracted were more weeds who either couldn’t see the rose in me because I couldn’t see it in myself, or saw the rose and exploited my own blindness for their benefit.

When it comes to knowing how to live your best life, it’s stupid simple.

Here’s the one realization that you need to live your best life NOW…

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With so much tragedy in the news lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about life, death, and life lessons. I’ve also been thinking a lot about what saved my physical life and resurrected my emotional, relational, and spiritual life from a depth I didn’t know how I would ever get out of and to a reality today that I never thought was possible.

What exactly was it that changed the quality of my life, my self esteem, connection to myself, and the relationships that I subsequently attracted, so quickly?

Even though I still fail, make mistakes, get depressed, stressed, insecure, unsure, heartbroken, and feel crippling anxiety at times… How come it doesn’t permeate anymore to “what’s-the-point-of-carrying-on-or-putting-up-with-anything-other-than-crumbs-from-myself-and-others” paralysis as it once did?  

There have been times in my life where I wanted to die. I didn’t want to carry on; there was no reason to. All I had done was try way too hard, fail epically, get crucified for things other people got a slap on the wrist for, and then get even more rejected, humiliated, made to feel psycho, judged, and abandoned as a result (by no one more than myself). There were no life lessons to learn. I had already written myself off.

I hated who I was. I hated that I was so desperate for crumbs from f*cktards. And I was so ashamed for being ungratefully avoidant of/not attracted to the people in my life who not only had entire loafs to give, but tried to get me to see that I had my own too.

I hated myself to the core.

I had no self-respect, hope, direction or compass and just felt like “what’s the use?” You know? 

And as much as I wanted to die, I didn’t want to and couldn’t kill myself, if that makes any sense. I was too scared of failing at that too and risking a life of extreme pain and debilitation. I was too scared to do anything but there was no way I could carry on. The only way I can explain it is that I wanted to “end.” I could not articulate exactly what I wanted to end, I just felt like I needed an “ending.”

And because my self esteem was so low, I wanted me to end.

I committed emotional and spiritual suicide as a result and adopted habits that allowed me to contribute to my own physical death gradually.

I was a dead woman walking until I realized what really needed to be killed off.

And then I murdered it.

(more about all that here).

Life on my own terms started for me after that point.

Looking back, this is what I now know:

When I wanted to die, I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I failed and blamed myself to the point of adopting an impossibly negative and self-sabotaging identity, I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I was emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and financially broke (a few years ago, I was Uber driving and taking out payday loans on my Uber checks just to make ends meet. I ultimately sunk even deeper financially)… I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

In my early twenties, when I was boundary-less, confrontationally avoidant, smoking cigarettes, needing a cocktail just to have enough confidence to carry a basic conversation, and not taking care of my health, I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I was involved in friendsh*ts, situations*ts, and relationsh*ts, I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I would engage in petty gossip, need an opposing force/a reluctant f*cktard/haters just to feel motivated enough to take action, continuously lie to compensate for my lack of value, and create drama just to feel significant for a hot minute… I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I got knocked down by any negative comment/criticism; when I felt worthless, ugly, unlucky, inferior, and completely powerless, I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

When I blamed myself for being emotionally orphaned by a well-intended yet emotionally unavailable parent, yup… I wasn’t implementing any of these life lessons.

None of the above ever turned out well or felt good. Obviously.

So why did I continue? 

I kept engaging and wash-rinse-repeating not because I was crazy, but because I was an emotional cutter. I had been burned too many times to bank on the unpredictability of happiness again. Every time I ever had, the other shoe always dropped.

My own misery was at the very least, predictable.

And amidst so much unpredictability, insecurity, fear, and pain, my oxygen became the security of predictability. Even if it was the predictability of my own suffering.

So here they are – life lessons that saved me from robbing myself of my own life. I would be dead if I hadn’t implemented and acted on these.

15 life lessons that literally saved my life.

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