Mixed signals are one of the most seemingly complicated, yet completely uncomplicated aspects of relationsh*t territory that you will ever encounter.

& they’re completely non-discriminatory when it comes to relationships.

Mixed signals can happen in dating, romantic relationships, friendships, professional, and family relationships. The pain that they cause however, is only a prelude to the damage that subscribing to them inflicts.

Relationsh*ts that are plagued with mixed signals generally result in:

  •  Ghosting 
  • Romanticizing of f*cktards (because if you have low self esteem & nonexistent confidence, you’ll interpret the consistent mixed signals as mysterious/alluring, in a “please-validate-me-while-I-throw-away-my-dignity-trying-to-solve-your-contradictory-puzzle,” kind of way).
  • Delusion in the Land of Limbo. Stay in the circus long enough and you’ll no longer know what you can trust/rely on and what you can’t. With an emotional compass missing and a sense of reality in shambles, your fear of loneliness, rejection and abandonment will begin to mute your instinct (& sense of reality).

And because there’s no solid foundation underneath your relational house, you’ll never want to leave the house for fear that it will all come crashing down if you take so much as one STEP toward the front door.

  • Self-blame. Because if you only base your value one someone else’s ability to recognize it, what else is there to do?

It kills me to acknowledge the extent to which I let confusion from mixed signals (& the subsequent need to investigate/answer seek), waste my time.

Looking back, the saddest part about it is that I devalued the preciousness of my own time far greater than anyone’s mixed signals ever did.

Here’s why mixed signals happen, how to decode them & what you need to know…

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(+ doing a little Valentine’s giveaway for you guys. Details at the end of this post!)

The good news: this is the END. The end of the holiday season that highlights being single, heartbroken, feeling insignificant and alone.

The bad news: (as if New Years Eve wasn’t hard enough), it ends on the one holiday dedicated to completed hearts and happy couples.

I think the commercial aspect of Valentine’s Day does a better job of highlighting the heartbroken and heightening the “I am not enough” factor, than it does in celebrating the most rare of all rarities: true love.

Whether you’re single, just broken up or in a relationship, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been in relationships before where I’ve felt more alone than if I were to be physically alone in a cardboard box. Yoga really helped facilitate this awareness for me. You could be in a crowd of hundreds of people and if you’re heartbroken, lacking connection and emotionally isolated, you will feel more alone than physical isolation.

Big events, holidays, friendsh*ts and relationsh*ts can heighten our alone factor to an extent that supersedes the physical.

With physical aloneness, there’s this black and white, concrete evidence that supports the mentality of “I am alone.” With emotional aloneness, you become grey-zoned; a circumstance-imposed pariah, the Dumbo (one of my favorite movies of all time), in the middle of the three-ring circus. You may be immersed in surrounding company and “connection,” but if theres no emotional one, the circus you’re in will only highlight the pain and heartbreak associated with emotional isolation.

This is why big cities can be some of the loneliest places to inhabit.

& this is why Valentine’s Day can be so difficult when you’re heartbroken.

Feeling that heartbroken aloneness 24/7 is tough enough. Having to go through a day that’s KNOWN for its grandiosity in celebrating the very antithesis of your current emotional state? No Thanks. 

If you find yourself heartbroken on Valentine’s Day, here are 3 things to keep in mind…

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Just pairing the words “social media and relationships” together gives me anxiety.

Although the topic may seem naïve, silly or immature, it’s not. It’s a real issue – an issue that I wanted to write about because when it comes to social media and relationships, there isn’t much out there.

Why?

The topic of social media and relationships is one of those guilt and shame-inducing unmentionables that we’re too scared to admit we have an issue with. We’re scared because there’s a part of us that feels like we have no right to impede upon someone else’s right to do whatever they want with their OWN accounts.

A big reason why this topic never gets discussed: whenever it starts to become a problem, we automatically generate a bandaid-on-cancer excuse, with the ease of breathing air:

“He had these accounts (and a life!) before me. Who am I to have a problem with it?”

“I FINALLY have what I want. He’s an amazing guy in every aspect. I need to get over this pettiness before I loose him and fail at yet another relationship. I’m not getting any younger. This is just me trying to self-sabatoge a good thing.”

“It’s better than him cheating on me! At least he feels comfortable enough to create relational discomfort right in front of my face.”

“All guys do this! I have no right to be embarrassed or feel shameful about it. He’s just being a guy. It’s not like he’s sexting/DM-ing or Snapchatting these Instagram models and a*s/boob accounts. It’s FINE. I need to work on MY issues and  insecurity, not obsess over trivial things that don’t matter in the long run.”

And the list goes on.

So, we give ourselves the excuse pacifier and seek to work on becoming “more understanding,” “less sensitive,” and “stronger.”

Yet, there it is – this omnipresent, unknowing, shameful, “if-I-was-enough-he-wouldn’t-have-to-follow/comment/like,'” lingering, mind f*cking MADNESS that you just can’t shake no matter how many excuses you try to douse the voyeuristic fire with.

Is there an Instagram/Facebook etiquette for dating and being in relationships?

What are the pink flags that precede the red ones?

How do you know if YOU are being the unreasonable one?

When does “normal” social media activity become a deal breaker?… When does it become wrong?… When does it become creepy?

I’m fortunate to have dated men that could care less about social media. All it took was dating ONE guy that was extremely “active” on social media, to unearth my most humiliating behavior, reverse-narcissistic mentality and deepest insecurities (that I didn’t even know I had in me).

The thing about social media and relationships is that, if you’re being disrespected, it’s the ultimate indirect and passive slow motion torture.

There’s nothing that’s being DIRECTLY aimed at you, so if you ever call your partner out on it, YOU look like the unreasonable, boundary-less a*shole.

When it comes to social media and relationships, here are 5 red flags to look out for:

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How to stop caring what people think, is something that I’ve tried to figure out my entire life.

Growing up, I’d always fantasize about some day in the future when I bought/became/accomplished/dated x, y & z and THEN, I’d finally get to feel great about myself with no more f*cks to give about what anyone thought.

But like all fantasies, It was kept alive through my belief that the actualization of it was dependent upon the superficial.

It’s so much easier to become engrossed in a fantasy instead of the hard work it takes to get there. 

Deep down, I knew it would never happen. There’s no way I could ever NOT want to know, worry about or obsess over what other people thought of me.

My need for others to give me an identity soon outweighed the belief that I could ever do so for myself.

It got so bad that surrender was the only option. So, I accepted that this was who I was: a well-intended doormat; an emotionally lost, eternally-paranoid-and-embarrassed, insecure, never-good-enough-for-anyone, FAILURE. A failure that had acquiesced to living a life on the sidelines of other people’s actions.

(& the relationsh*ts I attracted always reflected and solidified this belief system)

Everything that I did was built off the question of “what will they think?”

It was exhausting.

I cared WAY too much to believe that I could ever get to a place of not caring at ALL.

Up until a few years ago, this was my life:

  • Not making a move. My life had become the never ending mannequin challenge. I actually experienced this with launching Post Male Syndrome. Most everyone that I knew looked at me like I had 7 eyeballs and 2 heads when I explained what I wanted to do… and then the name (PMS??), they didn’t get it at all. So, what did I do? I froze. I obsessed over the color scheme instead of the content. I wasted time and sat on an idea – MY idea – that the fear of judgement disallowed the execution of for far too long.
  • Approval addiction. Nothing mattered unless I had approval of the people that I pedestaled and of course, the disapproval/doubt of the “haters,” that I obviously had to prove wrong.
  • Obsessing (to the point of crippling social anxiety, health problems, lying & fearfulness that turned into paranoia), about what other people thought of me, my life, my decisions, my looks, my education, what I did/didn’t do, etc. I remember being MORTIFIED when my grandparents would pick  me up from Kindergarten and elementary school (they’d get out of the car and wait outside of my classroom). My grandparents were not born in this country. Their English is not the best and although they are all 4 still alive today, I can’t tell you what I’d give to be able to walk with them now in the way I tried so hard to avoid back then. The earliest memories that I have from school aren’t these carefree times with friends, just being a kid. My earliest memories are of doing everything in my power to be an unnoticed follower – to avoid judgement, negative opinions and the subsequent humiliation and bullying. The truth is, no one has ever humiliated, bullied or thought lower of me, more than I have humiliated, bullied and thought of myself. I remember being so scared of getting made fun of in school that I’d starve myself. Yup, I’d throw away my favorite Persian dish that my Mom made me and buy a 50 cent cookie, instead of run the risk of getting made fun of for not having the same sandwich and chips as everyone else. Today, I’d do anything just to know that my Mom had the everyday strength to cook that very meal.
  • Desperation for other people to fill me in on myself.
  • Jealousy. This was beyond going on an Instagram binge and dealing with a bit of a jealousy hangover. This was on a whole new level. I was so jealous of people that had zero sh*ts to give when it came to the opinions of others, I’d do everything that I could to attain the material possessions that they had. Why? I’d feel this intense (but ultimately very short lived), pseudo strength by having the same item as someone that had the one thing money couldn’t buy: immunity to the opinions of others.

Today, I’m one of  those people who I thought I could never be.

I’m currently writing a blog post under a photo of an outfit I’ve worn many times before. I still don’t have a photographer, I still don’t own a camera and I still take every single photo on my iPhone. I know that I’m doing the best I can right now, so I really don’t care.

Why haven’t I gotten around to stepping it up?

Because I know that perception will always be based on perception and connection will always be based on substance meaning. 

I’m more concerned with connecting and creating meaning than I am playing Inspector Gadget and SEARCHING for meaning in the opinions of others.

It’s not that I don’t care about other people, it’s that I don’t care to make the opinions that they’re totally entitled to, any of my business.

Here’s how to stop caring what people think & start living your life…

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Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, breakups distort our vision. It’s not that we don’t know what to do after a breakup, it’s that we can’t see. 

Think about it this way…

You know how to drive a car, right? right. So let’s just say that you’ve been driving in desirable conditions for a while – great weather, no traffic, your favorite music on and the person that holds the key to your heart (& libido) in the passenger seat. What could be better?

Then one day out of the blue, your libido key holder says that he’s feeling sick, is over the drive and wants to get out of the car NOW.

Still in shock, you watch him get out in what seems like the most painfully slow motion EVER. And just like that, you’re on your own and without a GPS. You try to drive back home, but aren’t sure where home is (or if you even have a home. HE was your home). As the “omg-I’m-f*cking-homeless,” starts to sink in, what was perfect weather is now a snowstorm with fog so dense, you can’t see (& you can feel your ill-equipped car skidding).

What was zero traffic has now turned into a makeshift racetrack with cars swerving all around you amidst the snow.

What was your favorite music is now nothing but the beat of your stressed, scared & broken heart.

The car situation soon gets even more intense. You feel like you’re in The Fast and the Furious and you know your car can’t hang – with the other cars OR the storm. The weather continues to worsen and the fog becomes a whole new level of impossible.

You’ve got no choice but to pull over.

Scared out of your mind, you convince yourself that trying to call the shotgun passenger that once was, is a great idea the ONLY option.

So… you call. He tells you that there’s no storm, no race cars and that you just don’t know how to drive. He asks you to stop “making up stories,” just to get in touch and then “drives off” into Instagram oblivion with a new girl who’s everything you’re not… while you’re still stuck… on the side of the road… in the snow.

You don’t know what to do or where to go.

You’re LITERALLY lost without him.

Did you pull your car over because you don’t know how to drive a car?

No. You pulled over because the life that your fear gave to those “impossible” conditions, clouded your vision. You couldn’t see.

Did you call him because you don’t know how to drive a car?

No. You called because you were lost, scared, triggered and had convinced yourself that he was the only GPS.

It’s not that you don’t know what to do after a breakup, it’s that your internal GPS is compromised and your vision is clouded by scary emotional conditions that make acceptance, moving on & being “the one that got away,” seem impossible.

It’s time to regain that 20/20 vision.

Here’s what you need to know & what to do after a breakup…

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I don’t like sharing anything that I use unless: 1) I’ve used it consistently for a while 2) I’ve seen RESULTS that are not just worth sharing, but have made a difference in my life. Many of you have asked me to do more beauty, wellness and yoga/fitness posts (videos soon to come !!), so I wanted to start by sharing my favorite beauty and wellness products.

It’s been almost a week since I’ve been back from my ski trip and usually my hair, skin and overall health would have reacted in one way or another by now. When you go from a freezing (and incredibly dry) environment back to a humid, smoggy (hi Los Angeles!), by-the-beach climate, everything kind of goes haywire for a bit until it adjusts.

Not this time.

How? Why??

I have these beauty and wellness products to thank.

Here are 15 must-have beauty & wellness products that I currently have on solid rotation:

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