A toxic relationship is the most annoying relationship to be in and not for the obvious reasons you’re thinking.
Determining whether a relationship is toxic is or not pretty easy and straightforward.
As long as it’s not our relationship that’s under the scope.
“Being emotionally invested in a toxic relationship” should be an alternative definition of blindness. Your gut knows something isn’t right, but it’s no match for the level to which the force of your head, heart, libido, and limerence will prosecute and turn a blind eye to that instinct of yours at every.single.turn.
I remember years ago, being in the most toxic relationsh*ts and friendsh*ts. I’d be so grateful just to get a little dirt from them on the doormat I had become. What was so incredible though, was that I could spot, identify, and analyze toxic relationships that friends and family were in from a mile away. My toxic relationship radar was unmatched – As long as I wasn’t IN the relationsh*t. If I was in it, that radar was replaced with an insatiable hunger for crumbs – Crumbs from the loaf that was always promised but never existed.
The most difficult and annoying thing about a toxic relationship is that as long as you suffer from low self esteem and need validation like you do oxygen… These codependent relationsh*ts will always bring out the hopeless addict in you and the hopeful, exploitative addict in your partner.
The dirty shoes become addicted to using the dutiful doormat and the doormat becomes addicted to the dirty shoes for a sense of feeling needed, significant, and alive.
Addiction is extremely hard to kick. I’ve been an addict – not to drugs or alcohol, but to dysfunction, unavailability, the self-limiting story I chose to subscribe to that was crafted from a painful childhood and everything else that my abandonment issues ignited. Having to go No Contact with your happiness source, no matter how unhealthy, dangerous, and sabotaging it is, is hard. Change is hard.
If you’re addicted to a certain dynamic, self-limiting belief, person, relationship or substance, it’s really HARD. It’s hard to wake up one morning, have an epiphany and not only say “That’s it! I’m done! It’s trash day and I’ve got a lot to take out,” but have the courage to actually follow through and ACT on that realization.
Flushing the sh*t in our emotional and relational toilets should be just as non-negotiable as flushing the crap in our literal ones. Yet, the struggle is a little too weird to acknowledge and a little too real to gain the courage needed to act on behalf of a self that we don’t believe is good enough.
Bottom line: The only reason I ever put up with a toxic relationship for more than a hot minute – from family, friends, and lovers, was because it mirrored the toxicity of the one I had with myself.
I figured if I could de-toxify my relationsh*t, then the one I had myself would be detoxed by association.
I did not write this post to insult your intelligence by defining the obvious symptoms of what a toxic relationship is. I wrote it to unplug the triggers that are dimming your instinct right now.
I wrote it to initiate the courage you were born with to finally flush the crap in your relational toilet, once and for all.