A few weeks ago, I wrote a post – How to Be Happy Again After Being Cheated On. But what about trust? How do you even begin to rebuild a foundation that without its solidity, true love and happiness cannot exist? How do you reroute the circuitry that now automatically directs you to second-guessing before believing? How do you undo the triggers that give away these insecurities in the most disempowering ways and end up attracting more people who just take advantage of and doormat you? How do you get your power back? Learning how to trust again after heartbreak, betrayal, and being lied to is something that I’ve struggled with and still struggle with to this day. So, I asked my dear friend and PMS team member, Lorelle, to write another guest post to shed light on this. Lorelle, take it away…

I would bet money that not a single person reading this hasn’t had their trust broken, shattered, ripped at the seams or stretched so far it might not ever feel or look the same again.

The reason I’m so sure of this is because trust is what underpins our relationships. All of them. As we begin to know a person, and that relationship grows, trust also blossoms. Trust is like a seed – As it shoots up and becomes stronger, it begins to entwine the people in the relationship. This doesn’t happen overnight, and neither should it. Deep trust is shared and developed over time, not just given.

Trust makes us feel safe because it is like an insurance policy:

I trust you to love me,

 I trust you to be honest,

I trust you to look out for me,

 I trust you to take care of me if I am sick,

I trust you to keep your word,

I trust you to support me,

I trust you to stay in my life,

I trust you to be happy for me and have my best interests at heart,

I trust you to accept me as I am…

But how do you trust again – if a trust has been compromised?

How do you trust again – A PERSON who broke your trust?

How do you trust again – YOURSELF? Your judgment of others?

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The only thing that ever disempowered the bad luck and paralysis that my lack of confidence, relationsh*ts, heartbreak, and childhood trauma caused? Gratitude. 

Thankfulness is a feeling and gratitude is an action. To me, they are one and the same because if you truly feel thankful, you won’t be able to not act upon those feelings.

Gratitude naturally happens when thankfulness is felt.

I don’t like talking about gratitude because it seems so clichĂ©. I think the term is overused, outplayed, and in many ways, like forgiveness, it can have this stigma of being unattainably zen.

I can’t NOT talk about gratitude though. It saved my life.

Today is Thanksgiving and although it’s not celebrated everywhere in the world, this is the start of the holiday season. The holidays are great until they’re not. Yeah, it’s the best time of the year but it can also be the most painful.

Nothing activates your triggers and highlights your heartbreak, loneliness, single-status, insecurities, and dysfunction more than the holidays.

The holidays do a really good job of making us feel guilty for not responding to them in the merriest way possible.

If right now you feel hopeless, heartbroken, and like you have to pretend to be happy through this holiday season, you are not alone.

For this post, instead of writing a brand new one, I wanted to add to and update my post from last year with more thankful quotes of mine.

Here is a master list of thankful quotes I’ve put together from the years of writing about heartbreak during the holidays…

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“Will I ever find love?” is a question I get asked every day from people you would never in a million years guess they’d have any issue finding true love. These are people who have built incredible lives for themselves. They’re successful, have amazing friendships, and are ready to find the kind of love that makes all the heartbreak of the past seem worth it, instead of validating their fears on a daily basis.

With permission of the other party, I am including personal text messages of mine in this post because I will stop at nothing to help. I know this feeling of hopelessness all too well.

Whether you’re asking yourself “will I ever find love?” or “will I ever find love again?” feeling out of the loop is never fun. You go on social media and it’s always another happy family photo, an engagement announcement, romantic trip, baby announcement, your ex appearing to be a better person with a better person or another wedding that populates your feed (or if you’re stalking, your recent search list).

How did love seem to forget about you?  

Why does everyone else, who isn’t even a fraction as deserving and aware, get the happy ending that you want more than anything?

And because you’ve built a great life for yourself and have your sh*t together, it’s even more baffling.

Deep down, you know you’re a catch but you can only subscribe to that belief for so long before you start to question your worth, the point of life, and surrender to your solitude.

You then begin to doubt your own standards. Friends and family tell you that you’re too picky. Maybe you are, but you’d rather be alone than settle. Everything around you seems to affirm the impossibility of finding a loving relationship with an emotionally available partner who you actually connect with and are attracted to.

There isn’t some magic formula or answer to “will I ever find love?” For me, it took shifting my mindset and identifying the mistakes I was making more than it ever took implementing any kind of rule or technique. I didn’t feel like true love should have to come at the expense of my self-love.

No one wants to have to play games and withhold their own emotional abundance to momentarily attract it in a partner just because they are consciously limiting the supply.

I initially wanted to make this list about how to find love but then I remembered…

You could be fishing with the most expensive, top-of-the-line fishing equipment known to man and no matter how incredible the equipment is and how skilled you are at fishing…

If you’re trying to fish in a puddle, you’re never going to find anything other than bacteria and filth – No matter how much you believe that your skill and fine equipment will attract a whale. Whales don’t reside in puddles and puddles are so shallow, they don’t require fishing equipment.

It’s time to figure out why you’re in the puddle and get you back out to the coast.

 If you’re wondering “will I ever find love?” here are the 3 mistakes holding you back:

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Knowing how to be happy again after a breakup or a loss of any kind is tough enough. Being cheated on turns happiness into something you feel like you can’t trust, will always have to question, and will never be able to experience again on any kind of carefree or pure level.

After a betrayal, you don’t want to know how to be happy again. Happiness now equals a kind of anxiety that is so crippling and investigation-igniting, you avoid it while also yearning for it. You wish you could feel it the way you did before everything fell apart. The things that should make you happy, now bring out the worst in you. You don’t know how to be happy again and you’ve surrendered to the belief that you never will be. All you want to do is die.

There’s no set definition of what cheating means and it doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. Although I write from female perpective, everyone cheats – men and women. I’ve cheated before in many different ways in my life and I’ve been cheated on – In romantic relationships, friendships, business relationships, and in school.

Everyone is different. We all have our own personal definition of cheating and its levels of severity.

Years ago, I dated a guy who I was so in love with but never felt like I fully “had” if that makes sense. One night, I didn’t hear from him and my gut just knew. When I asked him the next day if he had cheated on me, he said yes. He broke down and apologized profusely. At that moment, my entire world was turned upside down and destroyed. I didn’t know how to be happy again. I was in emotional shock.

I had no idea who I was anymore and no idea who I had been dating. I felt so ashamed, unwanted, rejected and ugly, but I was paralyzed in the love I had for him and couldn’t imagine not being together. It was almost as if finding this out and hearing how sorry he was made me even more of a cling-on. I had been played for a fool though. I was such an idiot for still wanting him.

So, instead of flushing and moving on, I started to take the worst kind of inventory. I went over every moment, every second, every time where he went out and didn’t text or call. I thought about all the times that I was busy with school and he made other plans. My mind was racing. I needed to slow down and digest what was happening.

After only 2 days of not talking, he called. “I need to see you. Please.” When I met up with him, he looked like a shell of the man I knew. And in a way it made me feel better that he looked so terrible. We sat down and he said everything that I ever wanted to hear. He opened up in ways that he never had before. I was shocked.

He promised me that it would be different this time, that it would never happen again and he even explained to me what led him to cheat – MULTIPLE TIMES. 

There was a part of my 21-year-old heart that was relieved to know I wasn’t crazy and that my gut had connected the dots correctly.

There was also a part of me that respected his honesty. He could have easily said that he had just cheated that one time. That’s all I knew about or suspected.

But then there was this part of me that shattered. It hurt too much to acknowledge. This was the part of me that had been shot down. I under-the-rug brushed that part and promised myself that I’d get to it later once things calmed down.

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