When your ex wants you back… Before I even begin, I want to say that this post DOES NOT  just apply to romantic relationships. This applies to friendships, familial relationships and professional relationships as well. This applies to any and everyone who was on the receiving end of heartbreak, betrayal, disrespect, selfishness, etc., and is now faced with the offending party wanting to make it right in the form of getting back into your emotional bed (with monogamy, consistency, respect, care, communication, trust and follow-through in supposed tact).

This is something that I’ve dealt with many times; something that I’ve FAILED MISERABLY at handling in a healthy/dignified manner and something that on so many levels, I am dealing with in my life right now. It’s hard, it’s heartbreaking and it’s an all-out WAR between your gut, your head, your heart and oxytocin.

There’s so much material out there on “how to know if your ex wants you back,” “signs that your ex wants you back,” “does he/she want you back QUIZES”, etc. The reason I’m not delving into all that is because I feel like if it gets to the point where you have to take a quiz or become Inspector Gadget to decode whether or not someone actually wants you in their life… it’s not cute, it’s not flattering and it’s definitely not worth your time.

It’s a red flag.

But what do you do when your ex wants you back for real (& makes it very clear)?

How are you supposed to proceed with the one person who’s now assuring you, won’t break your heart in the same way – or any way – that they ALREADY have?

You’re suddenly hearing everything that you wanted to hear and seeing everything that you wish you could have seen before the tornado hit. Or maybe you’re just getting more crumbs, but because they’re so.much.bigger than the few, “hear-and-there” crumbs that you got in the past… It stops you right in your emotional tracks.

Why?

Because these crumbs are substantial enough for YOU to construct a loaf out of. So… Is it still a loaf if you’re the one constructing it?

Welcome to the depths of back-and-forth, emotional-philosophication limbo HELL.

Whatever the case may be, the other party has either done or said enough for you to at the very least, stop and think about wtf to do and how to proceed. And because we are energetic beings, this usually happens right at the moment when you’ve made the decision to surrender to what is, accept, let go and do your best to move on with the picked up pieces of your broken heart in tow.

Here’s what to do when your ex wants you back + what you need to know so that you can make the right decision for YOU…

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“I have no friends.” I’ve said this to myself countless times, even when I had friendships in my life. I felt lonely, misunderstood and never felt like I had a friend that gave or was willing to give and do for me what I would always so willingly give/do at the drop of a dime.

I was the overzealous “how high?!!” panting puppy when any of my friends even HINTED at “jump.”

There are times in my life where I’ve felt more alone in friendships and relationships than if I were to physically be alone… sitting in a cardboard box… with no wifi… no cell phone… in the middle of nowhere.

And that’s the thing about friendsh*ts and relationsh*ts – they don’t ever prove to be anything more than a very temporary emotional pacifier; a bandage on rapidly growing cancer that ultimately highlights the one thing they’re supposed to erase: The “I have no friends,” “is it just me?” “am I the only one who feels this way?” LONELINESS.

I used to have a ton of friends, literally. I had a cell phone full of people that I could call and social media profiles that proved to the world how friendly and bff/maid of honor/bridesmaid/ride or die capable I was. I had plans every night of the week (for even the most mundane stuff); always someone to talk to, listen to or problem solve for.

I collected friendsh*ts because to me, they were badges; purple hearts of negation and exoneration.

1 part negation + 1 part exoneration soon =’d the gasoline that my emotional engine couldn’t function without.

Because we always attract what we exude and our relationships will forever mirror the one that we have with ourselves, I had no choice but to rely on QUANTITY.

I assumed that a high volume of friends was a precursor to relational quality.

And because I had so many “friendships,” I used the high number of friendsh*ts that I had procured to play the ultimate, Mortal-Combat-mind-f*ckery on myself.

As I’ve said before, no one has ever mind f*cked, hurt or screwed me over more than I have to myself. As long as I had all of these “friendships,” it negated and “proved wrong,” that the problem was EVER me – in my romantic relationships, business, familial relationships and LIFE.

I couldn’t attract a connected, empathetic and mutual romantic relationship to save my life, but as long as I had a rolodex full of “friendships,” it completely shut down the possibility of me ever being the problem. I mean… if I was capable of THIS MANY amazing friendships, I was clearly capable of being (and attracting) an amazing parter in a romantic sense.

There was a huge problem though… everything that these friendsh*ts seriously LACKED, I was not only incapable of, but these incapabilities of mine were tenets that are integral to the kind of romantic relationship I felt spoiled-brat entitled to.

Intimacy, empathy, connection, meaning… NONE of these existed in my friendsh*ts because they didn’t exist in the relationsh*t I had with myself.

Failure truly is success without intimacy, meaning or connection.

This bullsh*t exoneration proved to be about as ridiculous as using my baby blanket as a comforter for my grown adult bed and then complaining about the lack of warmth. I felt lost without my “binky” of emotional vampiric, fake friends and soon became the living, breathing definition of emotional thumb sucking. I couldn’t do anything alone and felt worthless without a “friend” by my side. It was a bad look – but ONLY to the RIGHT kind of people (the kind of people that I so wanted to attract). To the other sheep, I was just making my way to MVP-status of a game in which the house always wins.

Having a lot of friendsh*ts busied me up to the point where I didn’t have to deal with myself. I was always caught up in some drama… doing something lame, spending money I didn’t have or being someone’s on-call, “I’ll be right over!” therapist or cheerleader (never my own).

It also enabled me to start equating being needed with being wanted, which made me a sitting duck/magnet for romantic relationsh*ts.

Soon, the “numbers” and social media stats lost their luster, as I began to incur the cost of investing in and spreading an un-spreadable investment over the friendsh*t masses. I was left with low quality, lackluster, zero-connection-but-please-tag-me-in-your-photo, FLUFF.

And at that moment I realized… “I have no friends.”

I Have No Friends: Why This Isn't Necessarily A Bad Thing

Today, I have no friends (I’ll explain).

I keep to myself MUCH more, but I have the most profound, magical, layered, dimensional, MUTUAL and gratifying relationships that I never thought I could have.

Here’s how + why the “I have no friends” realization isn’t really that bad.

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I used to have a PhD in “how to mess up your life and luck.” I was the Triple-Crown-Champion-Jedi-master.

There are SO many more ways than 10 to mess up your life and guarantee misery, failure and a magnetic pull toward bad luck (for yourself and others), but I want to share with you the 10 that proved to be the most toxic and destructive for me.

I’ve engaged in/embodied ALL at one point or another in my life.

My heath, emotional wealth, identity, boundaries and self love dwindled as a result.

They dwindled until they were so nonexistent, I was entrenched in wash-rinse-repeat, relationsh*t and friendsh*t HELL. A hell that did nothing more than reflect the relationsh*t I had solidified with myself. 

As far as luck goes, luck is such an interesting thing to me. One of my favorite quotes:

I’m a firm believer in luck. The harder I work, the luckier I get.

And the funny thing is, same goes with BAD luck.

The harder you work at feeding (and subsequently attracting experiences that cater to) your fears, insecurities, doubts and the self-limiting story that was solidified in childhood… the more unlucky you get.

When I stopped engaging in these 10 things, my life and my luck transformed. I ran out of f*cks to give, was able to implement healthy boundaries (without the usual associated guilt), and stopped sidelining myself in the game of MY life.

As the momentum built and I started to evolve both personally and professionally, people would comment on how “lucky,” I was. It’s not that I was ever “lucky” or “unlucky.” It’s that I stopped engaging in these 10 things that I realized after years of practice, were feeding an emotional cancer that I kept lamenting over the unfortunate symptoms of.

Here are 10 guaranteed ways to mess up your life & your luck:

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You will never run from anything in your life faster than you’ll run from trying to figure out how to let go of someone you love and miss everyday. It goes against your DNA and the very fiber of your being. How can you just let go of your home, your engine, your wheels, your legs… your emotional air supply – HOW? 

Although it’s not easy, we can deal with finding out that we have to get surgery to repair something that’s physically broken, but if we’re told that we need to get a limb amputated immediately… that’s obviously a whole different story.

We aren’t wired to emotionally digest having to amputate that which is not only essential to fully functioning on the everyday basis that we’re used to, but that which is a part of our body – be it emotional or physical.

So what do you do when life suddenly gives you a diagnoses of emotional amputation?

Where’s the manual for how to carry on as an emotional amputee?

HOW do you live with a missing emotional limb? A limb that was essential to getting you back to a home that you’re now locked out of.

And just.like.that, you inhabit a colorless existence – alone, homeless, scared, cold and placed on a never ending treadmill at a speed that your heart hasn’t built up the strength or endurance yet to sprint.

For me, writing this blog is my definition of vulnerability. I find that the more I share, the more connection, meaning and healing is manifested. And where there is meaning and connection… judgement, disconnection, re-traumatization and destructive patterns are no longer able to survive.

Remember: weeds don’t need anything to grow; they’ll grow through the f*cking concrete without a drop of water. The most rare, fragrant and beautiful flowers need consistent attention and nourishment.

The day that I stopped trying to believe that my weeds would one day, magically turn into orchids, was the day that I had the courage to uproot the weeds.

EVEN IF that meant facing my fear of having an empty garden for the time being.

So, with that intention… I’m going to share a little more of my story with you.

Here’s how to let go of someone you love & miss everyday…

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