Guys – you are either going to need to read (and re-read) this post for yourself or feel like you need to send it to someone immediately after reading it or both. It’s THAT good. What do you do when you lose the complete opposite of a f*cktard? How do you deal with the loss of someone incredible? You’ll get insight whether you were the one on the receiving or losing end. This is a topic that hits so painfully close to home for me – being on receiving end of the limitations of someone’s emotional range, as well as the past limitations of my own. And not just in regard to romantic relationships. This post helped me come to better terms with not making the time to see a loved one before she died (I’ve written about the crippling guilt associated with this particular story a few times before). Today, I have the honor of reintroducing a very special guest post written by my dear friend Lorelle, who was kind enough to take over PMS while I’m busy working on my new website for you all. Her 2 previous guest posts can be found here and here. Lorelle, take it away…
Love can truly be a double-edged sword. It can make us feel so uniquely connected to the world and fill our hearts so they are overflowing. It can also slash our hearts to shreds, leaving painful emotion seeping out for a long time to come.
And one of the most painful places to be in is the one where you feel regret, guilt, and pain for losing someone you see as too much of a loss to recover from. The one who was there for you, loved you, and did the ‘thick and thin’ thing because they believed in you. But now they are gone.
The. One. That. Got. Away.
This realization can take some time to surface. There is pain on both sides when a breakup occurs. A time of healing. A time when moving on begins and life slowly becomes happier. The pain subsides, and you reflect on the lessons you learned and seek new love.
There are also times when this doesn’t happen. Where you find yourself thinking of someone every day. You feel heavy with guilt, and regret lives in your gut. It is often at this point you question yourself, and think that this person you lost, has left a hole in your life that can never be filled.
As you begin to emotionally process your role in the breakup, you slowly come to the painful realization that you self-sabotaged yourself and this relationship.
The first step is to ask yourself “WHY?”
Did you not feel good enough/worthy of this person and because of that, did you feel insecure and do things to sabotage your relationship?
Did being intimate scare you and make you push them away?
Were you afraid of having to step up?
Were you wanting to commit but at the time not feeling ready to give up/compromise your freedom or the lifestyle you had?
Were you living a lie in some way?
Half in/half out of another relationship they didn’t know about?
Did you cheat on them?
Did you lie?
Or, was it circumstantial?
Was distance a key issue?
Was it about money – did you make more or did they make less? Did this make you feel threatened, unworthy, or guilty?
Career choices and opportunities?
How and why we self-sabotage – the reasons are endless. The whole sabotage thing is a red flag that we are not in tune with ourselves and our needs. It a sign we are disconnected with who we are and where we are going in life right now. It also highlights our fears, insecurities, and inability to be honest – with both ourselves and others.
When this moment is related to screwing up our relationship with another, we often can’t see what we have also done to ourselves, because we are so focused on the other person. Losing them is all we can think of and we fail to see that we have also lost ourselves.
Life is tinted in winter hues and life is not moving on. Even in a state of no contact for months, perhaps over a year… sometimes your connection to a person who was emotionally available, good to you and loved you, just won’t fade away. Attempts to begin dating again, to be in a new relationship, still leave you finding yourself unable to disconnect.
The feeling of wanting them and missing them fills each day. The love you still hold for them doesn’t dwindle. The guilt you feel for hurting this special person holds tight. When you think of them, your heart strings pull because you remember just how pure their intent was. How they were always so consistent, so steady and so effortlessly able to be themselves. Always there for you. No drama. No one else can measure up to those qualities. WTF happened?
You may even dislike yourself at times because you know it was YOU that caused the split and you are responsible for causing pain to someone you really value and cannot move on from.
After much soul-searching, you come back to the same realization, that the issue was totally YOU and your emotional punching bag was the one you lost.
The one who deserved so much more than the crap you gave them. The one who even in the darkest of times, wanted you enough to put up with it all, until they finally said “enough.”
How do you reconcile with someone if you are in this place?
Can it even be done?