When I was younger, my dating life was geared toward finding unconditional love. I was convinced that the more love I unconditionally gave, the better my chances were of finally having it in a romantic relationship and getting to experience the return on investment that Happily Ever After is portrayed to be.

It didn’t work out that way.

I ended up becoming a backbone-less doormat. Loving this way had come at the cost self-respect.

Today, unconditional love is something that I fully believe in. It’s also something that I don’t believe in at all.

As a kid, I struggled with love in general. The people who genuinely and unconditionally loved me, I took for granted. And those that put conditions around their love for me at an age where conditions were more damaging than emotionally educational… I did everything I could to please and appease. This pedestaled them and left my 5-year-old self alone at the bottom, without a ladder.

In my little mind, unconditionally loving them, obeying the rules, and staying in line seemed to be the only ladder available. While their intentions were good and they did love me, these adults subconsciously engaged in a codependent relationship with me, the child. I was dependent on extracting a drop of their love, validation, and approval from the empty well that their conditions had run dry. I believe that they were dependent on the image that my obedience painted of them to others, as well as on my unconditional love, to invalidate their own perceived unlovable inadequacies from when they were young.

As I got older, this “unconditional love ladder” that never seemed to be tall enough, found it’s way into my romantic relationships and friendships.

That was the beginning of the end.

Instead of all the unconditional love I gave boomeranging back to me, it created life-robbing shame and loneliness that paralyzed me in the quicksand of relationsh*ts and friendsh*ts – one after the other.

Unconditional love also made me stay in familial relationships and other relationships just because there was blood relation, history, or some other kind of connection that’s only sacred if it is held up by mutuality – not unconditional love as a testament to loyalty.

I am writing this post as I write all of my posts – Not as an end-all-be-all, but to shed my own personal light on things that may have otherwise not been illuminated to help you out of pain, bad relational luck, toxic relationships, ambiguity, and insecurity that I know all too well. There is an exception to everything and a different way than anything can be interpreted. I went back and forth for a long time on whether to write about unconditional love. It’s one of those topics that can be very sensitive to discuss because everyone’s beliefs regarding it are tied to their own past experiences and pain. After thinking about it more, I knew I had to write about it.

Why?

Unconditional love is something that nearly robbed me of a life. It’s also something that saved my life.

Here’s what you need to know…

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For this New Year’s post, I wanted to bring back my best friend and greatest teacher: My Mom, Tarane. My Mom came up with the concept of the white horse and wrote a very personal guest post a few months back about where the white horse resides. We have been wanting to collaborate on a post together for a while and the New Year seemed like a great opportunity. So, we decided to keep it simple and create a master list of our most powerful motivational quotes, things to remember, and rules to live by going into the New Year.

Each one of these motivational quotes have not only transformed our own relational luck and lives, but they have transformed the relationships and lives of thousands of men and women we have been lucky enough to work with around the world.

These motivational quotes are all directed toward folding from the toxic and mastering healthy relationships – The relationships that we have with our friends, family, romantic partners, and most importantly, the relationship that we have with ourselves.

If you are sick of…

  • The mixed signals and mind f*ckery.
  • Feeling like you always have to be providing something for your friends, your family, and/or romantic partners for them to notice you in the way you do them, give you the time of day, and treat you with any kind of regard or respect.
  • Turning terrible people into collages of your excuses instead of acting on their behavior.
  • Outsourcing your empathy and self-worth by investing in “loaf factories” that turn out to be a few moldy crumbs.
  • Being the emotional training wheels for f*cktard people in your life that you may be having a hard time cutting off/letting go of.
  • Never feeling like you’re enough for anyone (yourself included).
  • Being a people pleasing doormat, who inevitably gets ghosted – literally and/or emotionally.
  • Attracting narcissistic partners and then feeling like their selfish behavior is a result of something that you did/didn’t do or are/are not.
  • Always getting screwed over in your friendships and romantic relationships. You get crucified for doing one fraction of what others have done to these people. And you feel like you’re always at risk for abandonment, judgment, cheating, and for them to recoil without any explanation or clear communication. You’re sick of the relational eggshell walking.

And this year you want to…

  • Set healthy boundaries that boost your self-esteem and attract quality people.
  • Flush the bullsh*t.
  • Feel GREAT about a now clean psychological toilet instead of guilty and beating yourself up for flushing the crap.
  • Get rid of crippling anxiety and self-sabotaging insecurity.
  • Be able to embrace failure and allow it to propel you into success – Instead of allowing the shame of falling off your white horse to freeze your emotional assets.
  • Start calling your own relational shots.
  • Get everyone who dishonored you, disrespected you, and broke your trust/heart to regret what they did while you become indifferent to them and their relational amateur hour.
  • Feel more confident than you ever have and turn your pain into unf*ckwithable power.

If these are the things you want…

Then this post and these motivational quotes are for YOU.

Here are our top 25 motivational quotes, things to remember & rules to live by to make this New Year your year…

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In light of the holidays, I wanted to discuss the best gift you could ever give yourself this holiday season, new year, and all year round: Cutting people off who make you question your worth, lower your standards, and feel terrible.

Whether it’s with friends, an ex, or even family… Cutting people off is one of the most difficult things to do. Especially if we love the person and realize that we miss them while still being in a relationship with them. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever missed someone while you were still in a relationship or some kind of one-sided communication with them? This usually happens when the other person has unfolded, revealed who they really are, and because of that, all of the toothpaste has left the tube. There’s no way to put it back in and your gut knows the truth. Being selectively deaf and blind to your instinct is no longer an option because it’s the only thing that you have left to trust.

As far as cutting people off goes, I’m never going to insult your intelligence and tell you the types of people that you need to cut off. Your gut can sense a toxic person and a toxic relationship. If you feel emotionally drained, abused, manipulated, terrible about yourself, devalued, deceived, hard to love and respect, or like you need to lower your standards to be in a relationship with someone… You should consider cutting them off because their patterns have handed you the scissors.

When it comes to cutting people off, patterns are the best compass as far as how to proceed. Words mean nothing without action backing them up. And just like actions supersede words, patterns supersede action.

Everything you ever wanted to know about cutting people off can be found by examining their patterns. Actions are great and all but remember… ANYONE can do something chivalrous. Anyone can book a flight, buy a ring, send flowers, write a card or physically show up. Anyone can be sorry, but do their patterns show and translate genuine remorse? Taking a mental step back and looking at the bigger picture, at their patterns, will help you separate the emotional nostalgia that’s tied to their actions from the TRUTH of their patterns.

When it comes to cutting people off, for me personally…

The moment someone stops making me want to be better or their patterns show that they don’t want the best for me, I cut them off. I always want to be around people who raise the bar, challenge me, motivate me, value me, and make me want to be a better person.

When their patterns dictate that their ego matters more to them than I do or ever will, I cut them off.

Sometimes you can’t physically cut someone off – You have to work with them, go to school with them, or even worse, you are related to them. You can still cut them off emotionally. By implementing healthy boundaries, you can disallow them from permeating to the point of depletion.

Sometimes it’s clear and more black and white but other times, it’s not so clear. It gets foggy because it’s life. You may have a history with this person, an abundance of misdirected empathy to over-excuse because of what they may be going through, misunderstandings, miscommunications, etc. With cutting people off, you never want to do it prematurely or in a way that gives them the upper hand to toxic/crazy label you.

If you are thinking of cutting people off in your life, here’s how to do it with your dignity intact…

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A few weeks ago, I wrote a post – How to Be Happy Again After Being Cheated On. But what about trust? How do you even begin to rebuild a foundation that without its solidity, true love and happiness cannot exist? How do you reroute the circuitry that now automatically directs you to second-guessing before believing? How do you undo the triggers that give away these insecurities in the most disempowering ways and end up attracting more people who just take advantage of and doormat you? How do you get your power back? Learning how to trust again after heartbreak, betrayal, and being lied to is something that I’ve struggled with and still struggle with to this day. So, I asked my dear friend and PMS team member, Lorelle, to write another guest post to shed light on this. Lorelle, take it away…

I would bet money that not a single person reading this hasn’t had their trust broken, shattered, ripped at the seams or stretched so far it might not ever feel or look the same again.

The reason I’m so sure of this is because trust is what underpins our relationships. All of them. As we begin to know a person, and that relationship grows, trust also blossoms. Trust is like a seed – As it shoots up and becomes stronger, it begins to entwine the people in the relationship. This doesn’t happen overnight, and neither should it. Deep trust is shared and developed over time, not just given.

Trust makes us feel safe because it is like an insurance policy:

I trust you to love me,

 I trust you to be honest,

I trust you to look out for me,

 I trust you to take care of me if I am sick,

I trust you to keep your word,

I trust you to support me,

I trust you to stay in my life,

I trust you to be happy for me and have my best interests at heart,

I trust you to accept me as I am…

But how do you trust again – if a trust has been compromised?

How do you trust again – A PERSON who broke your trust?

How do you trust again – YOURSELF? Your judgment of others?

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