Figuring out how to deal with haters is really tough. No matter how hard you try to bend, accommodate, please, and mind your own, there will always be people who don’t like you. Always.

Some may tell you to your face. Others will show you through their actions –  They use the level to which they can manipulate and control your emotional weather as a temporary bandage for the cancer of their own insecurities, fears, failures, and misery.

You could be dedicating your life to the most worthy, selfless cause and there will still be people who undermine, hate, make fun of, gossip about you, backstab, and attempt to tear you down you.

These people will steal from and copy you WHILE they criticize/”critique” what you do. They will stop at nothing to passively destroy you and your reputation no matter how well you know them, don’t know them, or how good you’ve been to them.

Other times, hate will come in the form of a joke:

“Oh, I was just joking!”

“Whoa. Natasha. You CLEARLY can’t take a joke.”

Of course you were joking. As long as you’re “joking,” you can be a complete piece of sh*t while wearing the cloak of “comedian-that-no-one-thinks-is-funny-besides-the-people-who-are-afraid-of-being-the-next-cheap-punchline.” You can be as as*holic, brutal, and below-the-belt immature as you want to be because you guessed it… it’s just a joke. Right? You were joking. And if I, for some insanely illogical reason don’t think you’re funny, I’m the overly sensitive moron who can’t take a joke.

If you leave yourself open at all on social media or online in general, people who you can’t even see and who you don’t even know will throw shade and spew hate at you. They’ll act like they know more about you, your life and your loved ones than you do.

Every day, I see people being their authentic selves online (which is really nice to come by in an arena where you have the most control as far as manipulating your image goes).

These people are interesting – they have opinions, are honest, vulnerable, and agenda-less with the exception of servitude.

And that’s about all it takes for haters to show up.

It’s hard to know how to deal with haters.

A hater doesn’t have to be some anonymous person in the woods of cyberspace or someone who you don’t personally know. A hater can be anyone – a family member, friend, co-worker, boss, teacher… even the person you’re dating (or their family, friends, ex, etc). These people can also be very passive, competitive, and mixed signal-ly in their hate. 

You could have a long history with this person. You could have been good to, generous with, and trusting of them.

And then one day… they turn.

We’ve all experienced this at one point or another.

I’ve lost love, encouragement, and support from family, friends, and colleagues over things that I’ve written. When it comes to helping people who are in pain, I will stop at nothing to get through to someone. And if getting through to them means creating my own psychological terms, not being consumed by or overly cautious of political correctness, and sharing my own experiences with feeling jealous, being hateful, vengeful, FAILING; experiencing rejection, and abandonment… so be it.

What I’ve learned from it all is that no matter what you do, there will always be people who have an allergic reaction to you and your accomplishments. They’ll then blame you for somehow creating that allergy.

And you HAVE TO know how to deal with these people or it will rob you BIG time. Just like it robbed me – of my health, time and energy that I’m still working toward rebuilding. I also try to forgive myself for the times that I’ve acted on my own emotional allergies ignited by the fear that other people’s accomplishments, beauty, life, being, etc., triggered in me.

Knowing how to deal with haters is one thing. Actually APPLYING this is something that I still have to work on each and every day. It’s hard. Sometimes I can’t apply any of it. Most of the time I don’t want to. Little by little though, I do it and in the process, I build self-respect. I then start to see results in my life because I’m no longer a paranoid emotional accountant – I’m an unbothered, unf*ckwithable person who is more anxious to get to the light at the end of the tunnel than cry/claim blind from the temporary shade thrown by any hater in the tunnel.

Here’s everything you need to know about how to deal with haters, jealousy & toxicity…

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Part of the reason I created PMS was to answer every one of the dating and relationship questions I ever asked Google when I was at my lowest.

And because the common denominator of successful dating and romantic relationships is in-tact self esteem, the real root of my obsessive and very specific questions was always:

  • Finding a cure for feeling like I was never enough.
  • How to stop my obsession with winning and being chosen. I was always in some sort of passive competition to be chosen by a f*cktard. And when you’re in a position of someone having to choose you, you come to the relational table without any leverage. The requirement of being able to stay at that table is handing over your dignity to the person across from it.
  • How to stop being affected by every.single.blow of the emotional and relational breeze.
  • How to be confident enough to not only listen to but act on my instinct instead of remaining in the misery of prosecuting, negating, and avoiding it.
  • How to run out of f*cks to give when it came to my fears, insecurities, and just put an end to my unlucky-in-love “streak,” which had become a fancy word for “life.”
  • How to stop always being at everyone else’s emotional beck and call when no one was ever at mine.

Through the years, I’ve been asked so many dating, self esteem, and relationship questions from men and women that I’ve written about at length. I don’t ever write from any sort of psychological high horse. I’m human and I’m fallible. I still get painfully insecure, massively triggered, and I make mistakes every day.

The only difference between now and then is that I allow these things to be the experiences that they are instead of definitions to subscribe to. I no longer attract circumstances and people who cater to and affirm that subscription because I have unsubscribed.

I write to solidify what I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made so that I can help as many people as possible. I also write to remember my own advice.

Relationships fascinate me – always have; always will. And as much as I love to go in depth with singular questions and topics, I wanted to address 25 of the top dating, self-help, and relationship questions I’ve been asked through the years. I initially wanted to do 50, but I think it’s best to answer the second 25 in a future post.

I also made it a point to keep the answers as simple, quick, and accessible as the questions are real and relatable.

A long explanation isn’t always needed for something to click within and initiate a life-changing epiphany.

So here they are…

Your top 25 dating and relationship questions ANSWERED Continue Reading

Today is a very special day for me because I get to introduce to you my best friend, my greatest teacher, and the original white horse warrior – my Mom.

Mom, take it away…

Hi Everyone. Thank you for supporting PMS, Natasha, and for creating this incredible community that I am so honored to be writing for today. My background is in clinical and industrial psychology. I have over 35 years of experience in clinical and organizational settings but I am not here with any of that today.

Today, I’m coming to you not as a professional; not even as Natasha’s Mom. I am not here as a wife, an ex-girlfriend, an ex-wife, a student, teacher, friend, partner, mother, sister or daughter. I’m coming to you as the one thing that for so many years, I judged, criticized, sabotaged, and tried to conceal – myself. 

I am what I like to call a storyologist and a professional lemonade maker. If you bring me your lemons, I can help you turn your pain, challenges, relationsh*ts, and obstacles into indifferently flushing, boundary-adjusting wisdom, and results.

I love helping people understand their own stories, deactivate their triggers, and enhance the quality of their personal and professional lives.

Natasha has written posts on Why You Need To Stay On The White Horse and What To Do When You Fall Off. So, I thought what better subject for my first guest post than What To Do When You Don’t Want To Stay On Your White Horse?

I’m happy that this metaphor I created for Natasha and used with so many of my clients over the years is popular here on PMS.

The Museum Of Me: Where The White Horse Resides

Before I get into that, I’d like to tell you where my white horse resides. Even Natasha doesn’t know this story.

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Being that it’s St. Patrick’s Day today, I’ve been thinking a lot this week about luck. Especially when it comes to being lucky or unlucky in love.

I used to think that luck was like lightning fused with superstition. You never knew when it was going to hit but when it did, it always hit every undeserving person but you.

Luck was something that I had no control over. It was finding a penny on the ground, seeing a multiple rainbow, getting a warning instead of a speeding ticket, rolling the dice, getting THAT guy to commit, being bffs with THIS girl, throwing the salt over my shoulder after I spilled it, completely guessing my way through the ACT and getting a very high score, etc. (I’m horrible at standardized tests and basically failed the SAT, so I took the ACT which doesn’t penalize for guessing).

Of all the luck I have wished would strike me, there was nothing I ever wanted more than relational luck.

I was very unlucky in love.

Because I believed that luck was such a rare commodity, I did 2 things:

  1. I got desperate for it.
  2. I complicated it.

Complication is your enemy. It makes you question yourself and everything you do. You become this insecure, frantic mouse in a maze that was already rigged from the get-go, to be absent of an exit.

Complication is also an emotional defense mechanism that kicks in whenever the fear of having to act takes over. Think about it – if everything is complicated and chaotic, you automatically have a valid license to not take any action despite whatever red and pink flags are right in front of you.

As far as desperation goes – when you think and act from a place of desperation, you just get more unlucky.

In my life today, I feel very lucky. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have my own problems, insecurities, heartbreak, and triggers. I just no longer feel out of control or at the mercy of having the luck lightening strike me. I feel like I’m my own lightening manufacturer – in my relationships, business, and life. And there is is no greater feeling than knowing you are your own shot caller.

People ask me how I get so lucky. That question used to elicit a lot of shame/guilt, but now I’m so in tune with and dialed into the work that goes into creating my own luck, I no longer feel ashamed or weird about it when asked.

It’s really simple.

So in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to keep it simple and lay out how to turn your unlucky in love streak around in 7 steps. These steps do not just apply to being unlucky in love – you can apply them to your friendships, business, and familial relationships too

Here’s my lucky 7 for how to turn “unlucky in love” around now…

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