Having healthy communication in relationships is the foundation for true love, respect, clarity (in regard to where the relationship is going), solidity, trust & emotional safety.

If you don’t have healthy communication in relationships (whether they be romantic, familial or friendships), you’re always going to be living in the land of limbo.

You’ll feel unsure, misunderstood, insecure and as though the possibility of abandonment, rejection and a breakup is looming around every corner.

I remember being in relationships where I truly felt happier than I had ever felt but deep down, I always felt like something was missing. It’s like the relationship was never started on all four cylinders, so I learned to very efficiently, adapt. Every now and then though, I’d find myself emotionally exhausted and realize that something felt “off.”

I was too scared to check if all cylinders were in tact because if I did, I knew that I’d have to leave the comfort bubble that my projections, insecurities, hopes & fears had worked so tirelessly to construct.

It amazes me how you can be intimate with someone – travel with them, live with them, sleep with them, call them your mate and feel like there’s a soul connection yet, if you sit back and think about it, you don’t really know them that well at all.

Or, you could be dating someone; feel like you know everything about them and that everything is going so well until… that moment, which could have been so beautiful and vulnerable, is completely cold and lonely.

You’re met with a closed (& bolted) door.

He won’t open up. 

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Have you hit a point in your life where you know that you need to make a change; you’re taking the steps that you think are necessary toward making a change, but you somehow always end up with the same results (& diminished respect for yourself as a result of failing AGAIN)? Is it time for a reinvention? Figuring out how to reinvent yourself is something that most people like the idea of, but have trouble executing.

Why?

Because as humans, we like to complicate things and thus get intimidated. We then cope with that intimidation by degrading our own instinctual mentality; convincing ourselves that reinvention can only come at the acquisition of material, cosmetic or f*cktard gains. We then became someone who we have a lack of respect for; that wanders around this world flying by the seat of her emotional pants, looking for something and someone to “complete” her.

This is why for so much of my life, I was convinced that if I looked a certain way (which led to perfectionism), bought that designer whatever, drove that car, copied that celebrity’s style, was bffs with THAT girl, dated THAT guy, it would somehow catapult me into everlasting reinvention.

It never did. I just ended up feeling worse, being even more insecure, paranoid, self conscious, abandoned, lonely and ultimately, a magnet for f*cktards. If you’re wondering how to reinvent yourself, commit to keeping that inquisition alive for the next few minutes before your self-sabotaging, low self esteem tries to intimidate you by complicating something that is in actuality, very simple. Choose to not engage in the fear mongering of your fears and negative beliefs.

Here’s how to reinvent yourself & reclaim happiness, gratitude & the joy of being in 5 simple steps…

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Just in time for the holidays. Is it just me or do you feel like you need to CHILL but can’t? Don’t you wish you could take a sip of something (that wasn’t bad for you), and magically run out of f*cks to give WITHOUT having to drink alcohol, feel good for a hot minute; then ultimately feel even more anxious, depleted & sh*tty afterwards? I used to have a sip of champagne every once in a while during the holidays or on special occasions, but I don’t even do that anymore. In my early 20’s I drank but as I’ve gotten older, healthier and more comfortable in my own skin, alcohol doesn’t serve me like it used to. I have nothing against drinking, it just has no value for me today. Honestly though… with my current schedule, the holidays coming up and stresses I’ve been dealing with, I feel like I could use a margarita right about now (just not with the gross, sugary, caloric, anxiety-inducing booze). So… I wanted to share my Calm Margarita recipe with you guys. I have this drink (or a variation of it… more recipes to come) whenever I’m out with friends (yes, I make it in public, it seriously takes 2 seconds & saves so much money).

This margarita isn’t comprised of any alcohol or sugar and in my opinion, the effects are so.much.better. It’s actually GOOD FOR YOU, relieves stress & chills you out like none other. The main ingredient? I call it nature’s xanax: Natural Calm. It also energizes your cells, combats fatigue and tastes better than any boozy margarita I’ve ever tried.

Here’s my super easy, dysfunctional-friends-and-family tested, holiday-approved, 3 ingredient Calm Margarita recipe:

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I’ve been avoiding having to write about how to stop stalking your ex, but I’ve gotten so many requests to write about it, I had to. So here I am, finally doing it.

Why didn’t I want to write about how to stop stalking your ex?

Because my answer to the “how to stop stalking your ex” question, is the most seemingly a*s backwards, insane and completely opposite-of-everything-that’s-out-there advice… but what’s new?

If you Google “how to stop stalking your ex,” here are a few things that immediately come up…

  • Delete/unfriend/block him.
  • Ask your friends for some tough love.
  • Implement a “stalk jar.”
  • Stay busy.
  • Instead of stalking your ex, stalk a celebrity.
  • Find a habit to replace the stalking.
  • Get out there and start dating! Get back in the game!

Umm…. yeah. Let’s go through this one-by-one.

Delete, unfriend or block him? Good advice but needs to be more specific considering that this is nearly impossible post-breakup.

Ask your friends for some tough love? Your friends are in your life to be your FRIENDS; your partners in crime. They’re not there to be your mommy, daddy or the moral police when you’ve sh*t your emotional shorts or broken some breakup “law.” This sets the friendship up for resentment, deceit down the line, an uneven playing field and just isn’t worth it.

Implement a “stalk jar” (??!!). I’m not sure wtf a “stalk jar” is specifically, but I’m assuming it’s the same thing as a swear jar? My advice: Please don’t. You may feel emotionally helpless, but you’re not a baby. You don’t need to implement tangible punishment that’s meant for children, so that you can translate to yourself and the universe that you need to be treated as such.

Stay busy? IMPOSSIBLE. I don’t care if you’ve got the busiest schedule known to man. If your brain is set to “must stalk ex” mode, trust me when I say that you’ll find the time to cyberstalk. You could have have every minute in your day accounted for, but as long as your not emotionally busy, there’s no point in trying to get physically busier. You’ll just end up feeling worse and creating dis-ease within your body.

Instead of stalking your ex, stalk a celebrity? .. Why? So you can feel even more unattractive, unworthy, out of shape and depressed? I’ll pass.

Find a habit to replace the stalking? I would advise against this because when you’re in a compromised emotional state, you’re most likely not going to find a constructive habit to replace a destructive one (stalking). Why set yourself up for further destruction and failure?

Get out there and start dating! Get back in the game! No. HOW? That’s the last thing you need right now. And even if you’ve tried it or want to try dating, until you heal and deal, you’re only going to meet highlighters (people that highlight the absence of your ex), not erasers.

Whether you’ve just broken up or it’s been a while, stalking an ex on social media or in person has devastating effects. You may want to stop, but no matter what ultimatums you give yourself… there you are once again, 2173182736 times a day stalking your ex – his friends, his family and his new girlfriend, her dog (+ every girl he follows). It’s a full-time job in and of itself.

As time passes, you see your ex and all of these people that you don’t even know, moving on with their lives while you’re on your last emotional leg, zooming in on screenshots and feeling more used, forgotten, rejected, pathetic and abandoned than ever before.

You know it’s time for a social media/Insta-vention, but you don’t even know where to begin. You don’t know how to stop stalking your ex. You’re not only obsessing over his social media (and everyone he follows), but you’ve become hyper-ocd-paranoid about yours. You second guess everything and are in an emotional quicksand nightmare.

Here’s how to stop stalking your ex, put an end to the control it has over you & start living your life now

(a life that you’re proud to call YOUR OWN; not a depressing existence dedicated to getting a PhD in “the musings of a f*cktard”)

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Have you ever reached a point where your patterns and behavior become so painfully clear, humiliating and destructive, you begin to lose any sense of apprehension in executing what your gut KNOWS you need to do to move on? I know I have. But for most of my life, every time I thought that I had reached the point of BFF status with my intuition, I’d somehow find myself in a vastly different situation with the same f*cking outcome: heartbreak, misunderstanding, insecurity, jealousy, rejection & abandonment. Years later, I found out that those painful tenets of my consistent outcomes were the pink and red flags of codependency. “Am I codependent?” I thought. I didn’t even know wtf codependency was. All I knew was that I was in pain. It was a pain that I alone could never conquer or extinguish. Why?

If the healing of your pain is completely dependent on the outcomes, decisions, actions & behaviors of other people, circumstances & situations, you completely disqualify yourself from being an active participant in your own healing (& life).

By doing this, you declare to the universe that you’re more comfortable being in a state of dependency than you are being in a state of happiness.

And since the universe always magnetizes us for that in which we emanate, we just keep getting more and more of the same. We abandon ourselves for so long ago that our existence becomes dedicated to micromanaging the “please don’t abandon me,” of everyone & everything we come in contact with.

This was my reality for over 20 years of my life. Wash, rinse (and painfully HUMILIATINGLY), repeat.

Codependency is a cancer that only unveils its destructive symptoms once it’s gotten to an inoperable stage IV. Up until then, the “am I codependent?” question is often answered with anything that validates the do-gooder, well-intended and true-love-seeking, good samaritan that you are. This isn’t about being a good or bad person. This is about reclaiming the life that you’re lucky enough to be living right now. It’s about identifying your codependency so that you can extinguish the bullsh*t and start to live the life of your dreams.

If you find yourself wondering “am I codependent?” here’s how to know for sure + 3 ways to heal your codependency now:

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No matter where I am in the world, the number one question I get asked always boils down to how to attract men; healthy, soul-mate-status relationships and friendships.

My “I’ll never be good enough” pain, disease to please and lack of love for myself used to be so bad, I felt completely hopeless and alone. I was never understood or appreciated, always embarrassed and eternally tried so.cringe-worthy.hard, to get any kind of a SCRAP of attention, validation and love. You know, those things that came so easily to everyone else around me, the people that never tried. My whole life, I just wanted to fit in and be seen by somebody, anybody.

And the truth is, no knight in shining armor ever came to my emotional door.

Fast forward through a lot of bs and I’m finally at a place in my life that I thought was only possible for the people I stalked (& pathetically tried to copy) on Instagram.

Today, and  for years now, I’ve been living the relationship and friendship dream. 

I have nothing to prove anymore. There’s no need to announce or make it known how happy I am, how in love I am or how solid my relationships are. I have other priorities and desires today. Instead of always gearing up for some delusional combat against a doubter, a hater or rehearsing ways to garner attention and approval, I just LIVE. Happily.

Remember…

“When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great, they’ll tell you” – Walter Payton

Looking over this big, bright city that’s known for the seemingly unattainable; unfairly beautiful angels and stars that inhabit it, I can’t even take a sip of tea before overhearing women – INTELLIGENT, BADASS, INTERESTING & BEAUTIFUL women and girlfriends of mine – complaining about how they can’t attract a good man (aka a physically and emotionally available man), to save their lives. This “wtf-is-wrong-with-me-I-don’t-even know-what-to-do-anymore-what’s-the-use-I-give-the-f*ck-up,” feeling that not knowing how to attract men breeds, is obviously not just limited to the City of Angels.

It’s a world wide, shoot-me-now epidemic.

The reason that I mention Los Angeles is because living in this city has provided me with the key in cracking the “how to attract men,” code.

How do you attract men, GOOD men; HEALTHY friendships & once-in-a-lifetime relationships that enrich your life instead of subtracting from your spirit, sanity and soul?

The answer is so simple, I couldn’t even make it into a list. It does take some explaining though because it’s always harder to believe that a simple answer really is THE answer.

Here’s how to attract men, how to confidently call your own shots and put an end to the obsessing, the second guessing, the mind f* king madness and the social anxiety once and for all…

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I’ve written about emotional unavailability and narcissism, but there’s a certain species out there that I haven’t yet discussed. In many ways, this species is embedded in and yet completely independent of the other two. These are people that you may think you know very well. You may be dating one, friends with one, working with or even related to one. They don’t look any different or stand out in any kind of obtrusive way. They definitely stand out though, in the most one-of-a-kind, magnetic and emotional vampiric way, a way that leaves “the audience” at their emotional, a*s kissing knees. You’ve seen this species in action – their winning persona, wit and one-of-a-kind charm on full display as the attention of their low self-esteemed bystanders is hypnotically commanded. They call their own shots, always get what they want and never seem to experience any of the consequences that life is all too willing to hand our way. The blueprint in which this species operates is never noticed or revealed – until they inevitably unfold.  That unfolding point however, is nearly impossible to act upon or accept. Why? At that point, our value, identity, boundaries and livelihood have already been bartered down and compromised to the point of no return. We have way too much to lose because we’ve given them everything. Without them, our “investment” is gone. Investing in someone of this species on any level is an investment in the most f*cked up emotional ponzi scheme there is. Who are they? Sociopaths. Sociopaths are people who, through their passive agenda of manipulation, deceit, deflection and emotional robbery, seek to destroy the very foundation of the people that they claim to cherish because, well, they can. Although there are many different sociopath symptoms and varying definitions, the core attribute of sociopathy is having no conscience.

Having no conscience whatsoever is impossible for you and I to fully wrap our heads around because we have a conscience. We don’t know any other way. Even though we aren’t a certain gender, race, height, weight, etc. we can still imagine how that may be. The reason that we invest as long as we do with sociopaths is because it’s hard to imagine (and nearly impossible to accept), how someone could be void of the moral compass in which we assume is the common denominator of humanity. It’s the fiber of our being. I used to think that no matter what, everyone had a conscience deep down. Life has taught me that as far as sociopaths and sociopath symptoms go, this isn’t at all true.

If you don’t have a conscious, you’re not only incapable of being aware of your actions, but you are incapable of responsibility, empathy, accountability and… LOVE.

And without any of these make-or-break attributes that are essential for healthy & mutual relationships, the only option that the sociopath has left is that of game playing, manipulation and emotional warfare. Their entire life becomes the Mortal Combat of attaining and affirming control through charming, passive and ultimately cunning manipulation.

The path of destruction and emotional casualties that sociopaths leave behind is so devastating, that being involved with this species has had effects on my heath that to this day, I’m still dealing with. Exposure to sociopathy is nothing to be taken lightly.

“Sociopaths can charm the birds out of the trees and tell you black is white, and have you believing it.”

So what are the tell-tale sociopath symptoms?

Are sociopaths also emotionally unavailable, narcissistic or both?

How do you know if you’re dating a sociopath & what do you need to know if you’re involved with one? 

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It may have been a total relationsh*t and yeah, he was empathetically bankrupt and emotionally unavailable, but who doesn’t have issues? You were the happiest that you had ever been. He made you feel like no one ever had and you know that you’ll never find it again. You literally had everything – you had your person, your soulmate… and now? You’re left picking up the pieces of what was; endlessly stalking while swimming in the toilet of denial, “what if’s,” and searching for any kind of emotional painkiller as you try to figure out how to let him go.

There is something so magical about surrendering. The power of surrender creates immediate transformation for the better. It’s that place in which your emotional shoulders finally descend from your ears. You stop trying to grip the Jello of your fears because surrender always releases the grip in the solidity it provides.

You no longer care to be heard, be “right,” be chosen or “win;” you don’t care as much about being understood because you now have a much deeper understanding of yourself.

When you choose to surrender, you no longer cockblock acceptance & forgiveness because arguing with reality isn’t enticing anymore. Instead of focusing on what life has taken away, you completely surrender to what is.

Yoga not only helped heal my broken heart and my broken body, but it allowed me to surrender – to life, to what was, to what is, and to what will be. Above all, yoga taught me to recognize and surrender to the force within myself and that has been the single most powerful and transformative lesson of my life so far.

But what do you do when you’re completely stuck and no matter what, can’t surrender to the fact that your soulmate is gone?

How do you just accept the one thing that your heart can’t?

Here’s how to let him go, move toward acceptance, extinguish further humiliation and get on the road to indifference (all while remaining on your white horse) in 5 simple & straightforward steps:

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This year is seriously flying by. I’m still struggling to put away my jean shorts and the holidays are coming up? What? Anyone else feel the same? There’s clearly no particular category that any of these fit into (other than MUST HAVE), so I wanted to give you guys a peek into what’s currently on aggressive rotation in my bathroom & closet as we transition into fall/winter.

The first thing I did so far was brighten up my highlights and cut my hair a few inches shorter. I know… most people like to go darker for the fall and winter, but I actually like to go darker AND lighter (I’ll explain). By brightening my highlights a bit, it contrasts with my natural color even more, so it richens my natural color while framing and brightening my face. Try it! darker and lighter is the way to go and the few inches off feels good too. Okay, so back to the must have stuff…

Here are my current must have items for fall:

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After breaking up, one of the first things I always used to asked myself was “should I call him?” and if so, WHEN??

Everyone would tell me not to and I knew deep down that it probably wasn’t a good idea, but I couldn’t stop with the “should I call him or forget about him?” It had to be one or the other, but I couldn’t commit to either because each option posed its own challenges impossibilities.

It was like there was some magnetic force that even though always resulted in humiliation, was completely unavoidable and justified. I mean, it was all in the name of mature answer-seeking and closure. NBD, right?

And one little detail I left out: no matter how much of a relationsh*t that I (and everyone else) knew it was…

I missed him.

Independent of all the closure that I claimed to be after, closure was the furthest thing from what I truly wanted. I had to tell everyone that I needed to go on a closure expedition because if I told them what I really wanted, they’d write me off as the village idiot and abandon me (& the LAST thing I needed was to activate my abandonment issues even more).

I needed “closure,” in the form of getting my ex’s validation one last time. I wanted to know if he still felt the same way and I needed him to know how much he hurt me.

I couldn’t exercise, party, sleep, date, drink or THINK my ex away.

It was impossible to forget the guy that he was in the beginning: a little red flag ridden (who isn’t?) & hurtful at times yes, (probably due to me being psycho), but when he was good… omg. He was so f*cking ovulation-inducing-irreplaceably-on-point, kind of good.

After the breakup, one of my lowest points was *67-ing my ex JUST to hear him pickup the phone. I’d silently cry as the “hellos?” kept coming. Then when he began to sound like Adele, I’d hang up and cry/social media stalk even more. The most embarrassing was when my ex picked up and after a few unanswered “hellos?” he said, “…Natasha?” I died. I could literally feel whatever dignity I had left exit my body. Was it enough to stop me? Lol, ya right.

I ended up spending a large sum of money on a “how to get your ex boyfriend back” system that my endless Google searching had led me to. The 54 page “answer” basically boiled down to: remain in no contact and play hard to get.

How are you supposed to play hard to get when he doesn’t want anything to do with you?

As the days passed, every second became acknowledging that I hadn’t yet reached out (duhhh), and fighting the urge to mute the “should I call him?” question. This left absolutely no time to check in with or care for myself, let alone heal & deal.

Because every moment was accounted for with the “should I call him? No, I can’t! I need to forget him!” tug of emotional war, it was impossible for me to see that what I was essentially “fighting off,” was the urge to dumpster dive.

I couldn’t accept that the trash had taken itself out.

And NO, I’m not calling anyone trash. I define trash as something that isn’t useful to a specific person. To me, non-mutual, dishonest, disrespectful relationsh*ts that lack trust, healthy communication, honesty, empathy, connection and love are trash because they aren’t useful to me (even though they used to be). Triangles are trash to me now. They used to be my treasure. Today, I like lines. This is why they say that one person’s trash is another’s treasure. It’s all relative.

If the trash was going to go to the dumpster, I either needed to dump it myself OR it needed to forewarn me. It had to be on my terms. Why? The trash wasn’t supposed to take itself out! It was supposed to be grateful for the fact that I had worked so hard to please it and buff it into what I thought was a bar of gold.

In the end, it wasn’t. I was the crazy girl mistaking trash for gold in the rough; the girl who told everyone she had a barking cat WHILE the cat was meowing around town.

Emotionally unavailable and narcissistic exes are the hardest to get over. They lack the ability to put themselves in other people’s shoes and are unable to subscribe to anything and stick to it (valuing or devaluing you being at the top of that list).

Because of this, they’re extremely hard to read. And my low-self-esteem self LOVED “hard to read” because it gave me permission to not only remain invested, but it justified having to continue living in a triangle.

I used to equate passion, ovulation, compatibility, love & chemistry with triangulation. As long as it was me, him and some other person or entity that I had to compete with, be chosen over and “win,” it was once-in-a-life-time-soulmate-GOLD status. Linear? Snore. ZzzzZzzz.

If you find yourself staring at your phone wondering, “should I call him?” read these 5 steps first and you’ll know what you need to do.

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