+ there’s a little giveaway at the end of this post to celebrate International Yoga Day (!!)

You will never run from anything in your life faster than you’ll run from trying to figure out how to let go of someone you love and miss everyday. It goes against your DNA and the very fiber of your being. How can you just let go of your home, your engine, your wheels, your legs… your emotional air supply – HOW? 

Although it’s not easy, we can deal with finding out that we have to get surgery to repair something that’s physically broken, but if we’re told that we need to get a limb amputated immediately… that’s obviously a whole different story.

We aren’t wired to emotionally digest having to amputate that which is not only essential to fully functioning on the everyday basis that we’re used to, but that which is a part of our body – be it emotional or physical.

So what do you do when life suddenly gives you a diagnoses of emotional amputation?

Where’s the manual for how to carry on as an emotional amputee?

HOW do you live with a missing emotional limb? A limb that was essential to getting you back to a home that you’re now locked out of.

And just.like.that, you inhabit a colorless existence – alone, homeless, scared, cold and placed on a never ending treadmill at a speed that your heart hasn’t built up the strength or endurance yet to sprint.

For me, writing this blog is my definition of vulnerability. I find that the more I share, the more connection, meaning and healing is manifested. And where there is meaning and connection… judgement, disconnection, re-traumatization and destructive patterns are no longer able to survive.

Remember: weeds don’t need anything to grow; they’ll grow through the f*cking concrete without a drop of water. The most rare, fragrant and beautiful flowers need consistent attention and nourishment.

The day that I stopped trying to believe that my weeds would one day, magically turn into orchids, was the day that I had the courage to uproot the weeds.

EVEN IF that meant facing my fear of having an empty garden for the time being.

So, with that intention… I’m going to share a little more of my story with you.

Here’s how to let go of someone you love & miss everyday…

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I cringe when I think about the amount of time I’ve wasted in my life, obsessing and humiliating myself on an endless quest for validation. Trying to figure out how to stop seeking validation was always impossible because at every moment, there was someone who I was convinced – if I just worked a little harder and gave a little more – I’d get a validation crumb from, that would somehow save me from myself.

Validation seeking is a form of perfectionism and just like perfection, it’s the lowest standard that you can hold yourself to. We become perfection-addicted because on some subconscious level, we know that we’ll never achieve it. And because we have this subconscious knowingness that we’re holding ourselves to an unachievable standard, we become avoidant; scared to face and acknowledge the time that we’ve wasted thus far.

So what do we do? We further invest into the bullsh*t mindset of “must prove wrong. Must be the exception to a f*cktard’s rule. Must get the cat to bark.”

Validation seeking? Samesies. 

Just like perfectionism, seeking validation will rob you of processing your past, living in the now and experiencing what the universe has destined for you.

When you live your life exclusively based on a force outside of your control (the opinions of others), you give up your right to take action, attract mutual, available relationships and find meaning within. You willingly commit spiritual and emotional suicide.

And by acquiescing to a life of the walking dead, you’re then unable to truly “live,” until resurrected through the validation of a f*cktard.

I used to be dependent on both positive and negative validation to take ANY action in my life. I needed the validation of lovers and friends to propel me into action as well as the validation of the doubters and haters to propel me into proving them wrong.

The end result was eventually DEVOLVING into someone that was all talk – all plans, ideas, hopes, dreams… and that’s about it. I didn’t know how to stop seeking validation and because of that, I completely lost my innate ability to execute. 

Plans, ideas, hopes and dreams are GREAT, but without the propellant of execution, its all hot air. You’re left with nothing but the anchor of your excuses.

“Everyone is self made, but only the successful will admit it.”- Earl Nightingale

And just like in the Mafia, I truly believed that I was only “made,” when I had outside sources of validation. I had no idea how to validate myself.

I was the most reliant on validation in my romantic relationsh*ts. And because I never got more than a dirty drop of water from the empty well that was my emotionally and empathetically void partner, I relied heavily on negative validation in the form of FBI investigating.

Looking back, I think that I would snoop with the subconscious hope of finding something that would hurt me enough to make me work/try even harder, if that makes sense.

Once the breakup ensued, my need for validation didn’t end with the relationsh*t.

It somehow got WORSE. 

Because I never felt valid in the relationsh*t, I made it my mission to attain that well-deserved validation now that we were broken up. It took me years to realize that you can’t expect someone to behave a certain way (connected/empathetic/responsible/respectful/reasonable), OUTSIDE of the relationship with you, that deviates that drastically from how they CONSISTENTLY behaved IN the relationship with you.

& because I didn’t know how to stop seeking validation, I NEEDED my ex to provide validation for me after the breakup in the form of…

  • Realizing and admitting that he was a f*cktard.
  • Understanding how deeply he hurt me (and the “consequences” of such).
  • Admitting to all of his issues.
  • Acknowledging what I couldn’t even recognize in myself: that he had f*cked it up with an amazing and irreplaceable person.
  • Come running back and beg for a second chance the moment I cut him off (for just a reaction of course, never because of my own sanity/emotional well being/having my own back).
  • Giving me an emotional gold star for itemizing how much he had put me through.
  • Recognizing his mistakes and making more future-fakey, ovulation-inducing false promises.
  • After a “long talk,” combusting into the realization that I’m “the one” and that he could never do better.

note: NONE of the above ever happened. The only thing that occurred as a result of seeking this kind of validation, was a complete disintegration of my self respect (and a valid license for my ex to victimize himself and write me off as certifiable).

Just reading the above bullet points exhausts and embarrasses me. It’s one thing to have a talk and express your feelings, but when it gets to the point that you’re rying to get a grown adult to acknowledge why something that was hurtful was indeed hurtful… that’s a red flag.

EVERYONE needs limits and I had NONE.

I encountered this with friendsh*ts as well. It was a hamster wheel of “please tell me that I’m enough… that I’m worth fighting for… that I’m worth inviting/calling/texting/remembering… that I’m special enough to be your bestie, etc.”

And because I didn’t know how to stop seeking validation, I didn’t realize how easy I was making it for others to walk away from me (and never look back).

I kept attracting situations that catered to my fear of abandonment and solidified the belief that I was forgettable.

Here’s how to stop seeking validation for good so that you can live an extraordinary life on YOUR terms…

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Trying to figure out how to heal a broken heart is like trying to become perfectly fluent in a new language. As any logical person would agree, it takes t i m e.

And although time is one of our greatest healers, what if your heartbreak is too unbearable to wait for the unknown amount of “time” to release you from the prison of everything that was?

In 20/20 hindsight, I can always look back at certain things that transpired in past relationships and say to myself: “at THAT moment, I should have just left and been DONE. I should have made a graceful exit, STOPPED talking, started ACTING and rode off on my own white horse into the land of The One That Got Away instead of The Crazy-Psycho-Ex Who Wouldn’t STFU.” 

Guys, I get it. It’s excruciating, it’s unnatural & in the moment… it just.isn’t.fair.

It’s hard to not only have to be faced with the Armageddon of your relational world, but to then immediately have to make an executive decision based on the love that you supposedly have for your now defeated and deflated self, speak with your actions and walk away… ALONE (?!?)…

It’s just WAY too much for your heart to carry all at once.

You feel lower than low, discarded, rejected, forgotten and scared of the “known,” you’ve convinced yourself is factual – that your ex is going to move on as a better man with a better girl in a better relational world. No matter how many cups of tea or hot showers you take, you feel cold all the time and nauseous. Breathing air seems like an effort because you’re air supply is now gone.

I get that time heals, but is there a way to minimize your bounce back time?

Is it even possible?

How do you pick yourself up and move on in spite of the connection, love and feelings that you STILL have for the one person who assured you that your heart was in good hands?

Here’s how to heal a broken heart & move on in 7 steps…

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I’ve written about almost relationships before, but I can’t believe that there’s nothing out there regarding ALMOST BREAKUPS.

And I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this.

I’m not talking about the kind of almost breakups that are the result of an almost relationship ending. What I’m referring to is when you’ve been in an an official relationship with someone and then you breakup… or do you… ever?

Almost breakups have a tendency of getting disproportionately romanticized. They’re the ultimate, Carrie-and-Mr.Big-fairytale-Happily-Ever-After-you’re-just-too-good-to-quit, HOPE that we ALL have.

I mean… who wouldn’t want that kind of staying power?

Despite breaking up, all the emotional baggage incurred along the way, the complications of life in general and both parties trying to move on… you’re both still the one that got away to each other. You’re both “the one,” that neither of you could ever quit, despite everyone and everything life has thrown your way.

That “I-just-can’t-quit-you,” scenario above is the foundation for nearly every fairytale, romantic comedy, love story and song.

Years ago, I dated a man that was literally everything – except empathetically and emotionally available – 2 huge, deal breaking red flags, right? The problem was, so many aspects of our relationship were GOOD… too good, too addicting and too irreplaceable to let go of, which provided JUST ENOUGH hope on my end for an emotional epiphany on his.

We ended up breaking up, but never really “broke up,” until 2 YEARS after the initial breakup. It started with the knowingness that at the time, we couldn’t be together but swore to remain friends. “Friends,” soon turned into friends that sext which turned into friends with benefits.

And even though we both got busy and out of touch at times, we’d always find our way back to one another. It was super hot, romantic and it was the perfect insurance to have as far as being rejected while dating.

“What are we doing?” I asked him one time after meeting up with him when he was in town. “I don’t get it. I can’t do this anymore. We’re broken up, it’s finished… Isn’t it?”

He looked in my eyes, smiled and said, “Baby, you and I will always be unfinished business.”

And because the almost breakup had depleted me of the ability to evolve in any way from the relationsh*t we had, I started ovulating on the spot and romanticizing this idea that we couldn’t quit each other.

In reality, It wasn’t Carrie and Mr. Big… it was just 2 lost and disconnected souls in search of negations to their own self limiting stories and fears. Two people in need of bandages for the cancer that their abandonment issues had become.

With almost breakups, there’s never a clean break. Your heart can’t turn off because your logic and instinct have abandoned ship and thus prevented acceptance. You’re left to reside in this constant state of limbo, ambiguity and the self imposed prison of “objects in mirror are closer that they appear”… (or, are they?).

You can’t ever truly heal, deal, evolve or move on because the death of your past relationship is subject to resurrection.

Sometimes in life, you have to breakup due to circumstances that are outside of your control. Sometimes both parties don’t want to breakup, but they know they should and sometimes, one person wants to breakup, one doesn’t, but the other person still wants the benefits of having a monogamous relationship (minus the relationship).

Emotions aren’t engineered from a foundation of logic, they’re the reflection of a more often than not, fear-based, self limiting story that we’ve chosen to subscribe to. The foundation of this story was solidified in childhood at some point, where conditions were put around love that should have been given to us unconditionally. This story ends up shaping our belief system, self esteem and in turn, our decisions when it comes to love, our limits and boundaries.

Here’s what you need to know about almost breakups and how to deal when your heart can’t turn off:

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I didn’t even know what gaslighting in relationships meant until recently. Gaslighting is something that I’ve experienced many times in romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships and in business.

I’ve touched on aspects of gaslighting before, but was unfamiliar with the terminology until a few weeks ago when I couldn’t sleep and starting watching the classic film, Gaslight on tv (I’m a classic movie junkie).

The film is based off of the play Gas Light, which centers around a husband who attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (the lights were powered by gas at the time), in their home. When the wife notices and points out the dimmed lights, her husband denies that the lights have changed. In the film adaption, Ingrid Bergman’s character, Paula, meets the charming and handsome Gregory (played by Charles Boyer), while in Italy. They fall in love and when they return to London, the same crazy making ensues. Paula and Gregory’s union is now in total relationsh*t territory – exclusively defined by a fight to retain control/sanity as opposed to lovers in London.

When it comes to defining what gaslighting in relationships is, gaslighting is something that is so.much.more subtle, effective and ultimately destructive than you could ever imagine.

Gaslighting in relationships is ALL about gaining power. It’s a form of manipulation in which the perpetrator – very slowly, methodically and passively – breaks down the victim to the point that the victim starts to question their reality and sanity.

Gaslighting can happen to ANYONE – It doesn’t discriminate against age, wisdom, orientation or gender. It’s obviously more prevalent and easier to detect in cults and dictatorships, but it occurs in relationships everyday… and is nearly undetectable.

HOW so? 

Gaslighting in relationships is very gradual and s l o w.

It can’t survive in any environment other than slow, steady & subtle.

And because it’s so gradual, the person being gaslight not only doesn’t realize what’s going on, but they also can’t fully detect the extent to which they’ve been brainwashed.

It’s finding yourself all alone in an empty room on top of the cold, hard marble floor. You’re so cold and uncomfortable, but no one ever notices. Then one day, someone comes along and seems to understand and empathize with your situation on a potential Happily-Ever-After level; a level that no one has ever before.

And, as if this person could sense with crystal-ball-ability, exactly what you needed at that exact moment… they place the most PERFECT, warm and fluffy rug right underneath you.

You didn’t realize just how cold and uncomfortable you were until you had the warmth, comfort and SECURITY that this rug provides.

You’re so grateful for the warmth however, that you don’t realize everyday, inch by inch, the rug is being pulled out from under you until one day…

You’re all alone, shivering on the cold floor.

You ask your partner, “Where’s the rug that was here? I’m freezing!”

you’re answered with…

“What rug? You’re crazy!… Are you sure?… You don’t have the best memory. There was never a rug! You’re siting on MARBLE and marble is obviously COLD…. YOU don’t know what your talking about. If you’re cold, you should go find a rug instead of being crazy and accusing ME of stealing one that was NEVER there! This is all in your head.”

You start to question whether there even was a rug (but you KNOW that there was; you’re sure of it). You feel awful for upsetting your partner, so you defeatedly return to apologize for something that your gut knows isn’t so.

Why do we do this?

We prefer the “known” of the self-imposed-jail-cell-hellish-nightmare MISERY to the “unknown” of HAPPINESS & UNFILTERED JOY.

Every time we believed in happiness, the other shoe always dropped.

Our hearts just cant handle the unpredictable anymore.

As humans, we will sacrifice our values, morals, sanity, sense of reality, happiness and health just to feel the security that predictability provides – EVEN IF it’s the predictability of our own heartbreak, pain, suffering and affirmation of our perceived lack of value.

Here are the 7 main signs of gaslighting in relationships + how to extinguish the flame for good:

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